Feel desperately lonely in my marriage

[wrinkledstocking]

My DH and I have been married for 30+ we always have been like chalk and cheese…what’s this about opposites attract is a load of Bologny in my book…he is retired now has a health condition ..
I work part time thank god because being at home with him 24/7 I would go loony tunes with boredom…must admit I’ve been the ‘Duracell bunny’ in our relationship ,full,of ideas,where to go what to do,.love banter,chat,etc…now finding myself absolutely bored to tears and in depressed state with my marriage..feel no connection WHAT SO EVER ,even down to barely any physical contact which went out of the window about 15 yrs ago..feel need of some laughs and fun…
I’m several years younger than DH …but last time we had a laugh I really cannot recall…feel like I’m living with the lodger..or a aged parent that I have to put up with. I’m aging beyond my years….thing is because of my depressed state I’m not myself and don't have the oomph / confidence to join clubs.etc..
Beyond fed up…

This is so sad 😞

I've been with my DH 20+ years and our marriage isn't perfect and has had ups and dowbs but he makes me laugh every day and I feel cherished - you deserve more, OP.

It's never too late to start a new chapter!

I would recommend counselling- build your confidence to go to clubs and work through what you want in life. If your relationship isn't working then couples counselling, stay as you are or leave are really the options. Have you had an honest conversation with your husband about how you feel and what you want/need?

Thankyou there’s rarely a chuckle in the house…and if I make a funny he doesn’t get it..or I have to explain it…well b hard work what ever…he wouldn’t go,to councilling…I even don’t think it’ll help tbh ! It is very sad because I thrive on someone else’s energy..and my batteries are flat atm.

Do you know I really don’t want to have that conversation…he will wonder what I want and that I’m never happy I can hear him say it now.. I know now we are never or ever will he on the same wave length…I’ve got to get soon oomph and do things by myself..

Omg OP this is like mine now but I’m 15 or so years behind you. Do you have children? That’s the only thing we actually talk about . No laughs or joy here either

That sounds tough OP. But if you’ve not been happy for years, why do you stay?

Oh OP, I feel so sad for you, but as a pp said, it's never too late to find happiness.

My mum met her soulmate and remarried in her 60's. Unfortunately her DH got cancer and has very sadly passed away. But boy oh boy, did she have the best 14 years of her life!!! My dad died when he was 54 and he gave her an absolute dog's life when he was alive, but as I say, she found joy in her 60's. Travelled the globe, laughed every day, had a fine old time.

Please please do not deny yourself this. Life is too fucking short to be miserable.

I wonder why you got together. But 30 years is a long time, no doubt there was more connection between you back then.

I'm not someone who would find it easy to live without sex - but you've been without for half your married life. Did you ever have a conversation about that? It does sound too late to revive that side.

What a way to live your only life.

The sunk cost fallacy prevails in so many marriages - stayed so long, can’t possibly leave, so much time invested, too much to lose… and of course you can stay forever. And so many people do, many for financial reasons, an accommodation is reached around sex & on you go. Well, fuck that! If you’ve really not felt alive to the world now is the time to change it - cos once you reach 70 you’ll want to slow down. Do it

You just don’t seem compatible enough for marriage. It’s not working. Yes, it’s easier to stay as you are and not have any upheaval but doing so means you’ll never feel any different. You’ll certainly not be able to move on and hope to meet someone better for you.

I suppose I get you. My DH is autistic. My marriage is lonely. But I take the positives.

He's never ever going to have an affair, ever.

He loves me fully and totally. It just looks different. Compared to what's out there -i will take it

My advice is to leave if you can and start a new life. Otherwise, I think you will possibly be trapped as his long-term carer, given that he has a health condition.

15 years is a huge gap and unless he is that rare man that doesn't become a bit settled as he ages, that gap will only get bigger.

It sounds as if you were always the energy in the relationship and you carried him along.

Do you want to leave?
Get therapy to tease it out.
In the meantime start joining those clubs and get out there. You are in huge danger of becoming seriously depressed if you don't mix things up.

Sorry to hear you’re in the same boat…no we don’t have children…I feel like I’ve left it too late to do something about it..but your younger than me so grasp the nettle and jump…

You don't have children?
Then you have zero reason to continue to live this half life.

What ages are you both?
Were you about 20 to his 35?

If so that is disgusting IMO.
A complete imbalance of power.
I would hate this for my daughters.

You have given him far too much.
Do not be his nurse with a purse.

Time for you to reclaim your life.
You owe him absolutely nothing.

Get therapy and find out what you really want.
Join things.
Get planning and get out.

We are here for you.

Because it’s interspersed with just ok times…and one forgets how dam miserable one can be.

Thankyou ..I’m going to try build some confidence to go out and Get a Life..

No children ..so not even them to talk about….anyway best pull my big girl socks up and get a life..

Good for you and I mean that in a nice way..can you channel some of your positivity to me….
and thanks to everyone that’s sent support and words of wisdom and helps me feel I’m not the only one in the boat..

Thank you and thank god you all 🥰

I was in a very similar position to you, DH didn't want to do anything ever, no sex, I felt I was living a half-life. I pushed myself to get out there, join clubs, go to events (either on my own or with friends), lose weight and a whole new social life opened up to me. It helped me get out of the depression I was in and eventually after about a year, the confidence to leave. 18 months on, I can honestly say my life is so much richer and fuller for taking that jump. My DH wasn't a terrible person, he has a lot of kind, decent qualities, but I finally feel like I'm living the life I was meant to.

I'm not sure on your age, I might be a little younger in my early 40s, but I really dont think age shouls be a barrier. I feel so much less lonely living on my own, living the life I want, than I did living with someone else who just wasn't interested. Life is short, you need to make the years you have got happy.

Thank you..I really need to push myself to do thing s join clubs etc…I feel like I’m getting Agoraphobia tbh…the thought of seeing lots of people I don’t know, my work place has limited people and can cope with that..but en masse…don’t feel,like I can cope..but must try get out there..thank you for your valuable input.

My advice is start really small and low commitment. I choose things that I'd either enjoy even if I spoke to no-one once there, like a crafty workshop or something that would be good for me mentally/physically like a yoga class. Make yourself go once, and if you don't like it, tell yourself it's only an hour and you don't need to come again. I tried loads of things, some stuck, others didn't. If you feel anxious about big groups of strangers, try something were you know numbers will be limited to 10-12 people like a small craft class or a book group.

Get something in your diary every week, or maybe every fortnight if that feels more manageable. The things I found best were a couch 25k course with a local running group...no pressure to talk, but lots of social opportunities for drinks afterwards/park run/extra runs etc once I got into it and a local walking group where I found a couple of women who wanted to meet for extra walks/coffee on top of the monthly group walk. If there's a WhatsApp group, join it as they'll be extra social events that people start adding.

Depending on your interests I found these sites helpful for giving me ideas of things happening locally.

Meet Up app
Class Bento
Events on Facebook
Eventbrite
Local adult Ed courses through council website

I also made a list of things I wanted to try/places I wanted to go and tried to do one a month, even if on my own. I posted pics on my Facebook and before I knew it I had old friends messaging asking if they could come along next time I went outdoor swimming/to an exhibition etc, which has been lovely for reconnecting with old work colleauges/distant cousins etc.

I'll be honest there were some things that I wasn't bothered about trying again, but there wasn't anything I regretted turning up to. After the first few times tipping up on my own, I started getting used to it and people are more likely to chat if they see you're solo.

Summer is a good time to start, as the light nights make it easier to get out after work. I found it helpful through winter to have something where I was meeting someone planned, to make me go out as they'd be expecting me.

Sorry super long post, but your story resonated with me, so hope it's helpful. You can definitely do it!!!

I'm so sorry you feel this way. I feel the same. Married for almost 16 years and practically strangers. We barely communicate and I'm not even sure we like each other most of the time, yet alone love each other. We have a DS, who is 13, and whom we both adore - so this is what keeps us together.

I have lots of friends in work and have made more through singing, so I'm very fulfilled in other parts of my life, but my marriage is definitely lonely. I'm so grateful for our DS, but in terms of a lifelong partner, I don't think I made the right decision.

Sending big hugs to you, OP. I hope things improve for you.

I'm sorry. I wrote a really blunt reply the other night. I was tired and had had a drink 🥴.

My husband isn't diagnosed, but he very obviously has high functioning autism.

He's generally a good man. He's an excellent provider. He's a wonderful dad.

But there is absolutely no emotional connection. He just hasn't got that capability - with anyone. He was also bought up in a family they only communicate in small talk. Nothing deep. And I don't think this has helped matters.

It's so isolating and lonely some days. Sometimes I can cope with it absolutely fine. Other days, it gets me down.

My DH hates socialising and wouldn't care much if he never saw my family or his own to be honest. He's a very independent and "solo" person. He doesn't need connections. I desperately do. But because of his ways, he is socially awkward, he ends up making an uncomfortable atmosphere when I do get people round. He's not doing it purposefully. It's just how he is. It means over the years, I've just stopped bothering to have people over or organise social gatherings. Some days I feel very lonely. Loneliness really hits me hard occasionally. I do have friends, but seeing their lives and marriages just makes me feel even more "other".

Also, because I've got unmet needs (quite vital ones ) I fear bringing friends too close to me. I think I would end up trying to 'need' too much from the friendship and end up being too suffocating and needy. So I've always got a bit of a barrier up and keep them at a safe distance. Similar with family.

To be honest, I'm happiest when the kids bring their friends round and the house is full of children. I really enjoy that.

All in all though, I haven't got it bad. From the outside I've got a great life and I'm truly thankful for it. It's just that loneliness without an emotional connection. I feel like I've moaned a lot and probably sound like a feeling sorry for myself. But, just solidarity to you op. I think most others would advise you to build friendships and hobbies, and that Is the correct way to navigate your needs being met.