To feel off about new nursery worker?

[SendWine8]

Looking for some outside perspective on this really as now I’m overthinking

DS (3.5) has been at this nursery since just after he turned 2. He’s always really struggled with drop off, full on screaming, clinging to me, throwing himself on the floor, just absolutely heartbreaking every single time. Staff have been great but nothing really helped long term. He’s suspected ASD, waiting on assessment.

Couple months ago a new lad started, think he’s an apprentice or something, maybe 18/19? Since then DS has totally changed. If this lad’s there at drop off he literally walks in without a fuss, straight to him, no tears. It’s honestly been such a relief. He’s really gentle and calm, always down at the kids’ level, seems properly engaged with them. DS talks about him all the time at home, calls him his best friend.

One thing is the lad gave DS a Spiderman picture he said he coloured in at home for him, and then the week after he gave him a little toy – like a small figure thing, nothing big or flashy. He said it was because DS had done so well coming in happy a few days in a row. He also told me once that he was where DS is when he was younger and that’s why he wanted to work with kids like him.

I didn’t think anything of it until my sister and a friend both said it’s a bit weird and I should be careful. Now I feel all anxious about it. I don’t want to overreact when he’s been the only one DS has bonded with like this but at the same time now I’m second guessing.

Would this make anyone else feel a bit off or is it just me being paranoid now it’s been mentioned?

I think he sounds wonderful. My DD has a friend and he is training at a nursery and I imagine him being just like the young man you have described.

how lovely of him.

He sounds lovely!

I think you have to trust your gut. You didn't think anything of it until someone else said that, who hasn't met him or seen him with your child.

On reading, it seems like he's a lovely, caring person who recognizes himself in a child and knows how to relate to him and help. Your son might also have warmed to him more because he's a male nursery worker which is less common.

He sounds lovely!

Oh dear! Why are we always so quick to think the worst of people? While reading your post I just thought what a nice thing it was, that he did that for your son, but of course, when a man is friendly with young children these days, we immediately think that there is something dodgy about them. To me, this would be a hard one to call OP, as I would want to think the best of the young man, but equally would be VERY aware of a need to protect my child.

Could you perhaps have a discrete word with the person in charge of the nursery, and voice your concerns? They may well be able to put your mind at rest. Alternatively, would it be possible for you to spend a day at nursery observing this young man and the way he interacts with all the children, and not just your child? Just my thoughts, but it's a long time since my kids were in nursery, so not sure what the protocol of these things are these days.

I wouldn't be alarmed by this. I don't think it's weird coming from a young lad recently leaving the childhood years himself. He seems to really like your DS and probably feels proud that your DS feels safe coming in when he's there. It's not like he's alone all day with your DS: it's a nursery. He seems like a sweet lad and the little things he's given to your DS is just little things, it's not like he's grooming him. Again, I wouldn't trust any man with my children on their own but this is in a nursery setting and he's monitored by experienced staff. Say thank you to the lad and don't listen to those who thinks it's weird that young men can be sweet. My two teenage DS are really soft as well, especially with young children/toddlers. It would break my heart if someone considered them as potential future paedophiles because they are gentle and like children (and animals).

Be careful in what way???

I’d be less judgmental and happy that your son has found a key worker that he gets along with. Just because he’s male we automatically jump to conclusions, give him a chance.

He probably sees himself or a close family member in your son and has formed a soft spot for him. Plus young children gravitate to men in such a female dominated environment. I would agree with the previous poster about trusting your gut. You have seen him interact with your son, and you have seen and heard the way your son talks about him.

It sounds like this lad is full of enthusiasm for his job. I'm sure a few years of working in a low paid job with constantly changing goal posts whilst being viewed with suspicion will soon take the positive glow off him. I'm sure you will all feel better when he is completely and reassuringly jaded. 🤦‍♀️

I worked in a nursery the 3 men we had working there over the years, The children LOVED

One parent was ‘concerned’ like you
With no other reason than he was male
The parent didnt want him anywhere near the child
We told her if she wasnt happy she could find another nursery

Disgusting attitude!

My dd works in a nursery. She's 19 and ASD
.. She told a little boy if he hurried home with his dm and waited at his window she would pass by and wave.. He was ecstatic and keenly left with his dm not battling getting him into the buggy.... Small things are helpful!!

Jesus wept...... would your sister have said this if he was female????

We have a young male who works at my daughter’s nursery and he is wonderful. He’s enthusiastic, so good with the kids and they all really like him. I think it’s a great influence to have in the nursery

😒🙄

Your being paranoid yes - it’s not off

Agree with the above posters. Honestly, we complain that men don't step up and take more interest in caring roles, leaving it all to women, and then act like any man who smiles at a kid is some sort of molester.

Your son is probably responding well to him because he (I'm assuming) is mostly surrounded by female caregivers and this guy is able to interact with him in a slightly different way that he enjoys.

This exactly why young men don't want to work in early year's settings. There's something weird about people who think young men who do must be weird.

Almost exactly what I was going to say - this is why men don’t want to work with small children. I wouldn’t want to go near a profession where my doing something extra nice made people suspect I was a child molester!

I have a large spider man painting in my sons room that was painted by his key worker I was really touched she spent so much time making him happy

you say your son has gone from distressed to happy ? Surely that is the important factor ? Abused children show signs of distress also there are strict rules about intimate care and having two people present plus cameras cctv every where so your child is unlikely to be abused on nursery premises by this young man

My son's nursery had three male nursery workers and they were absolutely incredible with him and the other kids. I actually saw it as such a positive to have young children seeing men as well as women as their equal care givers. I also liked the idea of my son being exposed to extra positive male role models at a young age. Now that we've moved cities, six years on, I'm very disappointed to see that my local nurseries for son no.2 sadly don't have any men working there. I understand the concerns people may have, but it is entirely discriminatory to jump to men in nurseries = abuse. I don't expect many nursery staff are allowed to be left 1-1 with one child anyway given modern safeguarding.

It sounds like your son is forming a lovely bond with his nursery worker!

He sounds lovely and like he’s connecting well with your son which is great.

however it is inappropriate for anyone member of staff to bring in gifts toys for children from them personally.

I don’t know the nurseries rules, but this doesn’t seem appropriate given this is how children are often groomed.

If it was a school then this wouldn't be allowed. You're not allowed to favour one pupil like that. As he's so young a discreet word with the nursery manager just checking what their rules are as regards gifts ( however small) to make sure he fully understands safeguarding.
Tbh there doesn't sound anything to worry about, it's great that your ds is happy.