To feel off about new nursery worker?

[SendWine8]

Looking for some outside perspective on this really as now I’m overthinking

DS (3.5) has been at this nursery since just after he turned 2. He’s always really struggled with drop off, full on screaming, clinging to me, throwing himself on the floor, just absolutely heartbreaking every single time. Staff have been great but nothing really helped long term. He’s suspected ASD, waiting on assessment.

Couple months ago a new lad started, think he’s an apprentice or something, maybe 18/19? Since then DS has totally changed. If this lad’s there at drop off he literally walks in without a fuss, straight to him, no tears. It’s honestly been such a relief. He’s really gentle and calm, always down at the kids’ level, seems properly engaged with them. DS talks about him all the time at home, calls him his best friend.

One thing is the lad gave DS a Spiderman picture he said he coloured in at home for him, and then the week after he gave him a little toy – like a small figure thing, nothing big or flashy. He said it was because DS had done so well coming in happy a few days in a row. He also told me once that he was where DS is when he was younger and that’s why he wanted to work with kids like him.

I didn’t think anything of it until my sister and a friend both said it’s a bit weird and I should be careful. Now I feel all anxious about it. I don’t want to overreact when he’s been the only one DS has bonded with like this but at the same time now I’m second guessing.

Would this make anyone else feel a bit off or is it just me being paranoid now it’s been mentioned?

Going slightly against the grain, I don't think he should have bought him a present (unless he bought one for all of the children in the nursery). Having obvious favourites is unprofessional and can leave you open to accusations (from people like your friend and sister!).

That said, it doesn't sound in any way dodgy or anything to be suspicious about. It just sounds like he's new and doesn't quite realise how things could be interpreted/nursery policy.

Probably a paedo 🙄

Ah so because he’s male and working at a nursery he must be a paedophile???? Would you have the same “concerns” if this was a female worker??

It sounds like he’s doing a really lovely job with your son.

Yeah that’s what I keep coming back to – I didn’t get a weird vibe at all until other people said something and now I’m spiralling a bit. They were just like “bit much isn’t it?” and “you don’t know anything about him” which fair enough, I don’t, but I also don’t know most of the nursery staff beyond a quick chat at pick up.

Totally agree on the male thing too – DS is very into superheroes, rough and tumble, and just seems to gravitate more to men in general. And this lad just gets him in a way others haven’t. He actually seems to enjoy being around the kids and isn’t just going through the motions.

I think I’m just feeling that classic mum guilt for not questioning it earlier and now I’m second guessing everything.

Thank you everyone.

You know kids don't actually gravitate towards perverts - it's usually the opposite - so the lad gives him a little toy to encourage positive behaviour and was probably colouring in whilst babysitting as in doing an activity with another child and thought he would give it to your son. He sounds engaged, caring and a credit to the nursery - you can't label him as a predator because he's good with kids AND a man!

What a fabulous young man he is to be helping your son settle into nursery and to be so thoughtful to think of him and what might help him.
There is so much bad stuff said about young people today, but this lad sounds like a real gem.

I think he sounds great! If he is an apprentice he might not know all the rules yet, such as that it’s not always appropriate to give one kid a gift. But he clearly cares about your DS and is proud of him. His comment that he was where DS is when he was younger makes me think he might be ND? Which means he might have experiences and understanding that other nursery workers might not, which is useful for your son

Nursery staff shouldn’t be randomly giving children gifts especially if it’s just one child or a chosen few. It’s inappropriate. I also find it strange he drew a picture at home to give to your child. Not necessarily sinister but definitely overstepping. It’s likely a lack of understanding of expectations in the workplace. His colleagues/managers need to be supervising and guiding him .

Your relatives who said you don't know anything about him are correct but equally you don't know anything about any of the others either. What you do know is that all the staff will have had enhanced dbs's carried out on them. I don't even think it's about trusting yourself but about trusting your child. You had no qualms leaving your child when he was screaming and clinging on to you so why be worried now when he's happy to go because he's formed a connection with one of the workers Just because he's a young male.

I worked with an apprentice that age, that purely out of kindness, wanted to buy a child something to replace something they were upset over. I advised them that obviously it was lovely of them, but wasn’t appropriate within the setting. I imagine they have just bonded well and no harm was meant.

I can't really second guess this situation, however this is a great resource for keeping children safe and the nspcc helpline may be helpful for you to to chat things through with.

www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/support-for-parents/pants-underwear-rule/

Well you should always be cautious about anyone, but you’ve meet him multiple times and observed him with your son so you know more than your friend about whether he’s trustworthy.

They're only saying that because he's a man

The guy sounds incredible. His parents must be really proud.

"You know kids don't actually gravitate towards perverts - it's usually the opposite"

Well that is not true...do you know what grooming is?

I would be questioning why he is giving your son gifts.

It's simple prejudice.

The person who said it was weird is prejudiced against men working with children.

That is her problem and she should deal with it.

Are you also prejudiced?

He's told you why he does it and it's lovely. They "get" each other

I agree with this. Our nursery have given our DD gifts, but it's always from the nursery, never one individual.

Sensible to keep an eye on it OP, and trust your gut.

I’m sure there isn’t anything sinister but the colouring and gift is definitely inappropriate and I can’t imagine management would be happy about it. The girls who work at my DD’s nursery are absolutely lovely but it’d be odd for them to single her out with a gift, and i’d find it strange that they would want to spend an evening colouring a picture for her. For now i’d just be happy that your son seems to like him but would keep an eye on it.