are your parents emotionally immature?

[one2one2]

Just been listening to this:

4 Signs of Emotionally Immature Parents & How to Heal

and discovered the reason I have had so much trouble with my mother is she is emotionally immature.

I am 45 and she still thinks she should be obeyed. I am a married mother of two!

Everything is about her. She thinks she should be put first. She blames me for things I did as a child.

I have tried so hard to repair things with her over the years but I have accepted now that it will never be repaired and I am ok with that.

Precisely why I haven't seen her best part of 25 years...

i haven't watched the video, but I suspect my parents’ neglectful childhoods kept them from becoming adults. I was certainly protective of them when I was still in primary school. They’re in their late 70s/early 80s now, and when I’m with them, I feel like the only adult in the room.

Everything my parents do and think, is cast through the lens of their emotional inadequacies and their lack of a good childhood. I had a moment of utter clarity when I realised this, they are flawed people just like the rest of us.

It's sad, but sometimes we have to put our own oxygen masks on first, so to speak. I've cut right back on contact becaus it was deeply harmful for me, and they are simply not able to change. As is their right.

My right is to control how much I allow it to touch my life, now I'm an adult and have luckily been able to work some things out. They will never have that freedom from themselves.

My Mum sounds exactly like yours and sadly I have very little to do with her these days. Emotionally immature is exactly what she is. She needs to be constantly babied and looked after. I lost all respect for her when I became an adult and desperately needed support myself and realised I had none. I am still very sad about it.

OP I could have written your post. After my last visit I have come to the conclusion that we cannot have a positive relationship. I stay in touch with my lovely Dad but could happily never speak to my mum again. Sad but true and I would never treat my children the way she has treated me.

I see mine regularly, because I’m the adult. They have no idea they gave me and my siblings such a disastrous childhood, because they don’t have the maturity, and gave us the kind of childhoods they had themselves — if it was explained to them in detail, they still wouldn’t see it.

As much as I can limit yes but difficult to avoid at family events, weddings and funerals. My sister lives my mother so if I go and see her then I inevitably run into my mother. She works long unsociable shifts so there are rarely opportunities to meet outside the house that fit in with my schedule. I am restricted also because one of my children has severe SEN.

Mine were, along with selfish. My mother is dead now because she smoked herself to death pretty much and died mid 50’s, she was also an alcohol just to top off my great childhood. My ‘dad’ is a narcissist who is almost 80 and I am pretty much NC. He wanted to build a relationship when he was mid 70’s because he realised he had no one and that death was not too far away. I couldn’t care less. Too late pal
and it was only for his gain that he wanted to ‘build bridges’.

Both my parents had better childhoods than the toxic abusive one I had to endure. I’m angry at them both and the older I get, the more annoyed I get at their utter selfishness.

I’m pleased to say that my kids have had a niche better life than I did. They’re teenagers now, one will be an adult soon. I’ve never had a sip of alcohol in front of any of them, as I remember all to well the trauma of seeing my pissed mother every day after school and the negative affect it had on me, seeing the person who is supposed to be in control, very much out of control.

I also made sure I had children with a nice, decent, calm man, who has been and is a wonderful dad, unlike the aggressive violent cunt of dad I had.

I’m sorry for others who have had such shit parents too.

My mother definitely is. I love her but I dislike a lot of her personality and her parenting style. When she’s being emotionally immature, I have learned to be more firm with her as I get older. She doesn’t get away with it with me anymore.
She has a lot of love to give and does bring a lot of joy to mine and my kids lives, so I put up with it. But it fucked up a lot of my childhood.

My Mum is not an extreme example, but I can see some of it in her.

Thinks everyone should have the same opinion as her. Especially her children. Doesn't believe anyone should have more than 2 children, so shocked that others like her DD (me) do.

Also still believes she is the authority/adult in charge in every situation. In my house, when I was hosting Christmas, tried to tell me off for something minor I had done, wrongly in her eyes. Her and my Dad were divorced for a long time but back together now, and luckily he puts her in her place. And said it was my house, my choice.

I believe they are to some degree, my dad definitely so, he gives silent treatment for days if you’ve upset him.

My mum cannot handle confrontation at all, she sweeps everything under the rug or gaslights you into thinking you’re being dramatic/too sensitive or unreasonable if you ever bring any problem up. She’d rather be avoidant or passive aggressive than say what’s actually upset or annoyed her.

in short OP - YES!!!!!!!!’

you could literally be talking about my mum here!

I could’ve written your post.

Solidarity.

Yes and she is blissfully unaware. I have no idea if it's becuase she married young in her teens? Her place in birth order (she is the youngest), culture (asian) or everything

Just wanted to say thank you for sharing this, it's been very illuminating for me to watch. I've struggled to understand a lot about my childhood and parental relationships as an adult and this has given me a lot to think about 🙏💐

And mine!

Both my parents are champion gaslighters as well as cold, judgemental and avoidant. They were very good parents in some ways, but emotionally, a complete disaster. They have really struggled with us growing up and becoming adults - I honestly don't think they see us as fully separate people from them. They have a horrible, enmeshed, abusive relationship with each other, and I have had to fight hard to distance myself from that. Very weirdly, it helps for me to think of my mother as a 6 year old child - she can't wait, can't share, can't really hold anybody else in mind, and is desperately needy in lots of ways. I know that both my parents have very deep emotional wounds, which is genuinely sad, but honestly I have to prioritise my own life and my own wellbeing. It's really not good for me to be around them

Years of therapy and lots of active grieving have been the way forward for me. I'm also very lucky that I live in a different country from them, so don't have to see them very often. Big hugs to everyone on this thread - having parents like this is extremely sad, weird and damaging

Hmm it doesn’t work like that always, they train you from an early age that you are there to emotionally regulate them. I didn’t go to university as how could I my mum needed me she was stuck with my awful dad she’d told me as a little girl she’d kill herself if it wasn’t for me. When I slept out once as a child I came back and she had a black eye obviously the screaming matches they had most weekends when drunk had ramped up. It’s very counter intuitive but you are trauma bonded to them.

what is really funny though is how often they said “toroferney doesn’t understand” when I’m a million per cent more able to understand most things than them. And how thrilled my mum was to tell people how grown up I was as when ill in the night as a child I never bothered then just vomited and cleaned up and went back to bed.

op yes I read the book and was thrilled to discover that between my parents they tucked all the different types she describes. What absolute luck.

oh sorry that was to the poster who said to the op why do you have a trying to do with her.

Snap, my mum sees me as an extension of her she doesn’t seem to get that I’m 30 years younger than her, talks about her recollections and is surprised I don’t know what she means when it’s something from the 50’s , talks about if I die before you. I know I could die before her but it’s really a bizarre thing to hear your parent say.

constantly talks about how brilliant she is and was, I know that’s a wound from childhood where she was ignored but telling me as a teenager that you always had the best looking boyfriends is just weird. She has also always shared really inappropriate stuff about sex, it’s really bloody creepy.

Yes, I think both my parents are (were, my dad has passed now), to varying degrees. They are, however, very much products of their upbringing and other formative experiences.

I hadnt thought of this but I think both of my parents are too. Df just couldn't handle his emotions.

M thinks she is the only person in the world with feelings. She can't understand that other people have feelings. She hates people that have a different opinion. I spent years tip toeing around her trying not to say the wrong this as she would be passive aggressive. I only really realised at after the death of DF because she genuinely thinks she is the only person that lost someone, and has no understanding that we are also grieving the loss of our DF.

I'm trying to ensure my DC have a better upbringing.

Yes, and they are 89 and 90 so unlikely to change now!

Hi I'd love to recommend the book "Adult Children Of Erotically Immature Parents" by Lindsay Gibson. It's audio book as well. It mirrored so much of my experience (lots of tears). Very very good but it might stir up a lot!