are your parents emotionally immature?

[one2one2]

Just been listening to this:

4 Signs of Emotionally Immature Parents & How to Heal

and discovered the reason I have had so much trouble with my mother is she is emotionally immature.

I am 45 and she still thinks she should be obeyed. I am a married mother of two!

Everything is about her. She thinks she should be put first. She blames me for things I did as a child.

I have tried so hard to repair things with her over the years but I have accepted now that it will never be repaired and I am ok with that.

This reminds me of my lovely friend.
Every relationship she’s had has ended. Mainly because of her mum and her “training”
My friend is now in her 40’s and it’s too late for her to have her own kids and as she’s now a full time carer for her mum, unlikely to.
I bought my friend a gift recently and her mum pouted and stropped saying “oh I want that” til me friend gave it to her.
Her immaturity is disgusting.

Lindsay Gibson is the woman in the video in the OP @ThrillsAndSpills2025
I have her book too.

'She has also always shared really inappropriate stuff about sex, it’s really bloody creepy.'

That sounds so horrible ❤️

The author is featured in the podcast I posted in the OP!

Gosh so like my Mum.
I'm sorry about your Dad. My Dad is still alive but he left us all in my late teens, disappeared completely for a long time and we went through a kind of grieving period.
For years and years later, every time I saw my Mum she would inevitably bring out the tears about how awful what he did to us was - even after she'd remarried! It was always all about her and how awful it was for her.
Eventually I told her she was lucky to have a new husband, I will never get another Dad. She can't see it at all though. I lost both my parents really.

My mum lacks in empathy for anyone except herself. One of my friends wife left him and he was really missing seeing his children every day. My mum said it is not like he can't see them at all.

Another friends husband left her and their four children. My mum said she shouldn't have had 4 children then.

She also blames the women in virtually every scenario. I have come to the conclusion she is a misogynist.

She has also always shared really inappropriate stuff about sex, it’s really bloody creepy

It is isn't it. When I was 11 mine would tell me about my dad's impotence and the ways in which she'd tried to remedy it. At 14 I was told I was embarrassing them by not wanting an alcoholic drink at restaurants, apparently so because I "looked older" . I did go on to have substance misuse problems, happily in recovery now.

I too see my mother as a sort of eternal 6 year old, furious that her dollies won't play her game properly.

This is exactly how we feel, like we lost both parents and our children have lost both grandparents.

I’ve had this book for ages but I’m genuinely too scared to read it. It’s gonna be…. tough to say the least.

I found it incredibly helpful after being on the end of receiving abuse for years from my mother.

Reading this has brought back some horrible memories from when my dad died in 2000. I was only 18 then and my brother was 14. My mum cried for years and years about how awful it was for her, with no empathy whatsoever for my brother and me. Not only did we not get any support from her, we were expected to prop her up 24/7. In frustration, I tried to point out to her that she could get another husband if she chose to, but I would never get another father. It was my attempt to force her to see that we were grieving too. Her response was, that’s such a horrible thing to say to someone who’s lost her husband, you are an awful person.

She still regularly brings up the incident as an example of how horrible I am. And every time she does so, the shocked faces of her audience gives me a teeny tiny jolt of satisfaction.

In case there was any doubt, I am the scapegoat and I can never do anything right. She’s 70 now and I stopped even trying long ago

Hi I'd love to recommend the book "Adult Children Of Erotically Immature Parents" by Lindsay Gibson. It's audio book as well. It mirrored so much of my experience (lots of tears). Very very good but it might stir up a lot!

Love that autocorrect! Where’s Freud when you need him?

Yes. My mother especially so. I’ve written on here under a different name about the abuse I suffered as a result of her emotional disregulation. She had a traumatic childhood, and has been diagnosed as ND late in life too. I have always seen her as a child in an adults body, even from a very young age. I tried really incredibly hard with her and tried to overlook my own abuse at her hands, but I never once got the same compassion or empathy in return. She is the only person of any importance in every room, she can only see her own pain and try as I did to get help for her and carry her with me as I tried to heal myself she only ever succeeded in dragging me down again with her. I eventually realised she doesn’t see me as an actual person, only an extension of herself and I was drowning trying to help her.l have since cut her loose. The relief was palpable and feels like an anchor chained around my neck has really left. I can finally breathe.

I'm not sure, possibly. My mum has a of good points. But she is basically incapable of understanding that her perception of events might not be the true and sole interpretation. She's always been this way but its gotten exaggerated with age. Often its stuff that doesn't even matter, but she's absolutely insist and swear blind is the case and truly cannot concieve of the possibilty she could be wrong. To give an example of something that doesn't matter - the time at which I got some alterations done in my property. I know when I did this. It was after I got my new cat, because part of it was making a window entrance that only a cat can fit. She thinks I had this done at an earlier point. As far as she's concerned, that is the reality of what happened, I am wrong, and for some reason I'm confused about it. This used to really aggravate me, and I would get properly mystified as to why she could not concieve that she might be wrong about something. But she can't. Its not worth getting worked up over. I guess that is a kind of emotional immaturity, but I'm quite zen about it now. Its only when its about something that actually has material consequences (e.g. believing we can arrive at the airport fifteen minutes before the flight actually takes off, because its a small plane, which apparently makes a difference for some reason).

oh crikey yes, she hated my dad, she waged a war to make sure I knew how awful he was and he had no time for me so we weren't close but when he died it's still a parent and it stirs up feelings. It was absolutely obvious that it did not occur to her for a minute that I may be upset that I had lost my dad.

I've shared this before but when he was ill in hospitaL the doctor talked to us about a dnr, which was the right thing to do but I got slightly and I mean slightly choked up so not crying but a slight sob caught in my throat and she was bloody furious and said to the doctor angrily ToroFerney doesn't understand. Doctor came round the bed and touched my shoulder probably thinking jesus what is wrong with nearly crying when being told your dad is dying!

You may be my sister! Exactly the same dynamic with my parents.

Short answer god yes. Always have been.

My mum 100% is, less so than during my childhood but still very much so. Thankfully my dad wasn’t.

Place marking

Me.

So many issues with my mother that I thought I could come to terms with and accept for the rest of her life. However something happened the other week and I just saw red. I've not been able to speak to her since. It's like my heart has gone completely cold towards her, and I'm remembering all these things I thought I'd come to terms with. I'm sick to bloody death of endless drama and endless scenes, all brought on by her toxic lack of self esteem and inability to see any situation as not being a reflection of her. If you have a slight hangover first thing in the morning, or didn't sleep well? Instant mood from her as she believes that you are angry with her for some reason. She thrives on drama and rows - if things are just bumping along pleasantly and undramatically for a while, she'll try and sabotage it. Her negativity is soul destroying, yet you try and discuss things with her and she'll whine "I don't know what you MEAN". She made me and my siblings feel like we were shit people when we were growing up. At the moment I just can't forgive her, and I'm fifty years old!

My dad was a lovely bloke who loved me for who I was rather than what he thought I should be. However in many ways he was too weak to stand up to her. She ruined his life.

Yes. I've not been in contact with them for nearly 2 years now.

Funnily enough, not being in contact has cemented the fact that the decision is correct. My parents have adopted the attitude that I am just going through an awkward phase and if they wait long enough I will snap out of it. They have no actual idea how to "fix" our relationship. They also blame me for their lack of relationship with their grandchildren. That will be the adult grandchildren they have not bothered to contact other than sending birthday cards with generic birthday greetings.

Did it take you a while to realise it?

Oh god I had a seeing red incident a couple of years ago. She said something so childish and ridiculous and in replying to her I swore. Not at her I said that’s fucking brilliant at least I know where I stand. What does she do, immediately tells my teenage daughter that I “said a bad word”. Really that’s what you took from that. No thought that crikey I’ve really upset my daughter I’ve never seen her respond like that, I wonder if I’ve been unreasonable. It was helpful in a way though as since then she’s dropped me really,well she’s not using me as much and I’ve realised we didn’t have a relationship she just got in touch when she needed me to do something or she wanted to emotionally dump on me.

I had my "seeing red" moment with DM a few years ago, which I'll explain after giving background context. Since I was a teenager I've always felt like the adult in the room. She's so self indulgent, basically a result of being neglected in childhood. My GM was an emotionally manipulative woman (who eventually died young due to poor lifestyle choices) and GF - mum's DF - lived abroad her entire childhood and compensated for his absence through money. He paid all big transactions for her until the day he died. Mortgage, bills, all covered. And now she's living off the vast inheritance he left her. So she's essentially lived like a dependent child throughout adulthood, and now her parents are gone, expects me to look after her (despite the fact that, even as a school-age teenager, I was expected to be self sufficient and pay for my own uniform and school resources from a part time job).

My "seeing red" moment occurred when I was sharing with her some very bad news I'd received about a close friend of mine (someone she's known since my childhood). She brushed over the conversation very quickly, and immediately brought up something I'd said to her a week previously which apparently had upset her and she wanted to discuss it. I was absolutely gobsmacked at the selfishness and I completely lost it with her. Years of suppressed anguish came spilling out, and I listed everything she'd ever said or done to me from childhood to the present day which had upset or hurt me. Her response was to send me a message later telling me to get a grip of my emotions, and how unlucky she was to have such an awful, self-centred daughter. I couldn't believe it. I was on the cusp of going NC, but she eventually reflected, agreed to speak to a GP about the situation, and she is now medicated for her mental health. As a compromise we are now LC. I love her because she's my mum, but I'll never have the kind of relationship where I lean on her for support. It's more of an acquaintanceship than a relationship.

Solidarity with everyone on here affected by generational trauma. Reading everyone's stories is quite triggering. I just hope I've broken the chain now in mine. My DM is SO like my GM was in lifestyle and attitude, whereas I've taken a completely different path (good career, financially independent, not an alcoholic chain smoker, happily married etc). So fingers crossed!

Yes. My father had an affair when I was only 13 and my mother just let herself fall to pieces. She relied on me emotionally far too much and confided in me far too much. She involved me in stupid mind games between her and my father, pressured me to lie on her behalf. It was awful.

But it was only when I had daughters of my own that I realised how childish and selfish she had been. And I basically lost respect for her after that.

I was diagnosed with breast cancer when our DDs were teens, and I was determined to only ever let them see me composed and sensible about the whole situation. I refused to expose them to any childish histrionics.

Our DDs are now adults but I am conscious that they're still my daughters and not my intimate confidantes, ever.