Mums 60- Only me doing anything

[Fatcrab]

Ugh I just need to vent. Mum has been ill for last 4 years and lost her partner...and is turning 60 in september. Brother has not been in employment for years and does nothing but game. She has very few friends if any and family not bothered because she is cantankerous and pushed everyone away. If i take her away i will have to pay for everything as she is on sickness.

My aunt asked me what I was planning for my mum, and it just made me realise that it all falls to me. I did a lil meal for her 50th and took her to canada for her 40th. Obvs I want to do something and I love her....but i just need to vent that its always me when no one else cares or picks up the bill.

Anyone else experience this?

You don’t need to do anything - she’s only 60ffs

Just give her a nice present? It’s hardly your fault she’s so cantankerous no one wants to be around her!

It's shit, and it shouldn't just be you, but hopefully she will be really happy you made the effort and that will make it worthwhile.

You're a good person and a good daughter.

However, if she's likely to be cantankerous and ungrateful I wouldn't bother.

You don't "have" to do anyhting.

I like my parents perfectly well but I wouldn't take them away for their birthday.

For my Dad's 80th we went to the pub. For Mum's 70th I did her dinner at home and invited GC.

If she has been too ill to work, she's too ill for a trip or anything big.

Give her a gift and a card. Keep it simple.

Don’t blame other people, blame your mum. She’s cantankerous and has pushed people away… so she doesn’t to have people who want to celebrate with her.

Do what you’re comfortable with time/ effort / money wise, and drop the guilt. Others are doing the same

Give her a gift... isn't that what you do for birthdays?

You don't have to do anything! Because it's her 60th rather than her 59th or 61st, you could buy her a slightly nicer gift than you would normally, and maybe even take her out for a meal. But why consider doing any more than that?

I agree with PP. A nice gift and card will be enough. If your aunt (i'm presuming your mums sister?) wants to do anything she's welcome too although I'm not sure why she's discussing it with you and not her actual sister.

This.

Just a simple, nice gift is more than enough.

She is only 60 not 90. Buy her a nice present.

Exactly this. It's her choice to not have friends or anyone close.
Don't feel obligated to gift international holidays or big gifts, it's fine.

Buy her a present and some cake or take just her out for coffee or lunch. You’re making this into a much bigger deal than it is.

Ask auntie the same question

Don’t be a martyr, what you mean is I’ve just realised that due to some misplaced sense of guilt or because I’m generally a people pleaser I’m going to tell myself a story which is I have to do it all and then be really resentful. She’s 60 if she wants a party or something she can arrange it surely. She should be getting in touch with you and sorting a birthday meal.

FFS she’s only 60! You are talking like she’s 90

Does your mum want/expect you to do anything for her 60th, or are you just assuming that because the birthday has a 0 at the end it's must be celebrated?

Well she will feel a void if no one does anything....and if I dont arrange anything then nothing will get done....be it a small dinner or a trip away or a present..whatever it is. I could rally up a few people to make her feel a bit special. I text my brother just now and said "what are you planning for mums 60th" and he replied "Not sure, what can we do"🤣🙈

I do feel bad for how lonely she is, given shes only been widowed 1 year + illnes and no income etc.

Just needed a rant. Thanks for listening.

You don't have to organise your brother, or anyone else for that matter. Let them do their thing.
Pick a nice card and a gift, wrap it. Buy a cake and flowers if she likes those. Bob round on the day and make a fuss of her.

Well then, do something. A nice gift. That's all you need to worry about. Let other people do what they want to do.

I'm 60 next year and would be delighted if my DD organised something like a nice lunch or afternoon tea. That would be perfect. Like your DM I'm widowed, so company is much much more important than a gift.

Going out for lunch with you and your brother would be a nice 60th.

She’s a grown woman, why is she not organising her own bday celebrations like the rest of us? She’s only 60, you’re talking like she’s 6 or 96.

You are writing like she’s a hundred . She’s capable of arranging her own birthday . I’d turn up with a small gift and flowers .