Why is my brother doing this?

[AutumnLover1989]

Have to start by saying we are very low contact. We have started being civil now that he has moved closer to my mum. It makes it a little less awkward now we are more likely to be bumping into eachother. We are a good few hours away from them both.

Brother has a habit of telling my mum he's tried calling me and I've not picked up or replied to any of his messages. I've had no missed calls or messages.

He's now doing the same with a cousin and it's also making my cousin look bad. He lives close to them both and now doesn't want to visit mum now incase he bumps into brother.

I know it sounds very trivial but I'm so confused as to why he's doing this?

I'd send a message saying "sorry went to read your message and my fat fingers pressed delete by mistake, can you resend please"
He'll either ignore or he'll probably reply with, "I didn't send you any message".

Then you can just save that and there's your proof.

I agree with people who say that he is doing it to make you look bad so that he looks better in comparison. Some years ago my aunt told my mother that she had never been invited to my new house - and nor had my cousin. In reality I invited them to an annual family Christmas party every year, and to various other events, but they never responded. My mother believed me about this, thankfully. I don’t know why my aunt tried to get between me and my mother in this way, but she was a spiteful woman with her own twisted agendas to things.

Ask him - "I heard you're struggling to get hold of me but i don't have a single missed call from you in the last X months - do you have the right number" in front of your mother.

It starts with that and ends up with being disinherited. Your brother is laying foundations, starting a narrative and being a manipulative wanker if he's anything like my sibling.

I'm sorry you're going through this too. I used to send them a Christmas card and after a couple of years of not getting one in return then I stopped. That was the reason I say very low contact.

I wouldn't say he's the golden child but he's very manipulative and likes to lay on the sympathy vote. Ie he was in rented accommodation. He works nights and was laying it on to mum re his mental health and lack of sleep because of the neighbours. A few months later they've moved into a new build house. Makes me wonder what else I don't know about and what other lies he's spinning my mum.

I've thought about this and don't know to bring this up without sounding like I'm accusing my brother.

If you don't do it, he will which will give him potentially almost unlimited power, which you would be wise not to trust him with. Next time you see your DM, find a caring, tactful way to offer to do it for her. You could start with the Health and Welfare POA, then offer to add the financial one. Maybe you could gently point out to her that you are better with money than he is, and you want to make sure of her financial security.
it sounds as though she would know this really, though might not admit it.
To do with the lies about phone calls, how well do you know the cousin? They should be told what your DB is saying. Can the two of you (you and cousin) be allies on this - two people saying the same thing versus one person saying another, is quite powerful evidence.

Absolutely this, unfortunately I’ve first hand experience of this from my half brother.

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this too 😔

100%.

Always about the ££££.

And he has form for financial expoitation.

He is probably fleecing her right now.

Honestly. This is a real concern of ours. As far as my mum is aware,we are taking steps with my brother. Being civil when we meet etc but I am keeping it at arms length. The thing that really worries me is that my mum won't tell me anything because she wouldn't want to put a spanner in the works and give me a reason for me and my brother to fall out again. I really need to talk to her 😔

Get advice directly from Age Concern about how to approach it. It's a potentially volatile subject so you need a sensitive, step wise strategy on how to approach this.

There is potentially anonymous adult safeguarding referral thru your GP - watch and listen and collect evidence - dont dive in the deep end just yet.

https://www.local.gov.uk/understanding-what-constitutes-safeguarding-concern-faqs#:~:text=Safeguarding%20concerns%3A%20Where%20there%20is,pathway%20for%20raising%20safeguarding%20concerns.

Because mum asks him to stay in touch with you / try to improve the relationship and he finds it easier to lie and say he's tried?

Thank you everyone. Lots to think about.

Hi. Thought I'd update as I took the long trip to visit my mum a few days ago. My cousin has been in touch with my mum and popped in with flowers for her birthday which was lovely. My brother never even dropped in to see us and say a quick hello, despite being 10 minutes away. Probably won't visit again til around Christmas so us being there isn't a regular occurrence 🙄

He's also been freaking me out by logging into my late dad's Facebook account and not admitting to it,which has been really upsetting showing my dad is online 😔

Not sure where we go from here to be honest.

Do you know your Dad's log in details?

If so log in and change the password.
Then either log out/delete or just let the account lie dormant.

Unfortunately not. My brother went rummaging through a book that my dad kept his passwords in (I know) and logged in to announce my dad's death 😔