Why is my brother doing this?

[AutumnLover1989]

Have to start by saying we are very low contact. We have started being civil now that he has moved closer to my mum. It makes it a little less awkward now we are more likely to be bumping into eachother. We are a good few hours away from them both.

Brother has a habit of telling my mum he's tried calling me and I've not picked up or replied to any of his messages. I've had no missed calls or messages.

He's now doing the same with a cousin and it's also making my cousin look bad. He lives close to them both and now doesn't want to visit mum now incase he bumps into brother.

I know it sounds very trivial but I'm so confused as to why he's doing this?

Its a crime. Have a read:

www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/health-wellbeing/relationships-family/protection-from-abuse/financial-abuse/

I would tell the mom. Secrecy enables him to do what he's doing and allows op to be the bad guy.

He’s either deliberately trying to make it seem that you are not speaking to him despite his efforts in order to make you look bad, or your mum is asking him if he has spoke to you/cousin & he’s just saying this rather than saying no, which is still a lie.

My PIL did this to us after our daughter was born last year. They totally disappeared from our lives but told the rest of DH’s family that it was us refusing to let them see us/baby, said they had been texting us both every day, emailing, calling, sending fb messages and that we had ignored them all. We found out eventually from his uncle & granda and were able to send screenshots of the total lack of messages, as in not a single one, no call history nothing, and we asked them to show us the messages they had sent given that clearly they had been sent to the wrong person. Fair to say they looked like fucking idiots when they couldn’t produce a single bit of proof. But, their lies made them the victim and us the villain while it lasted.

I’m assuming she’s already told her Mum that she hasn’t had any missed calls? If not, then say by all means but it feels like the op is saying her Mum will automatically believe her brother (could be projection on my part there though). My family like to rewrite history to make it more palatable to them. Correcting them is largely futile. I leave them all to it.

The financial angle is a worry. I’m not sure there is anything you can do about that if your mother is of sound mind, op.

My SIL kept saying this about me to PIL. She’s never tried to contact me, but used to tell PIL I was ignoring her calls to keep her away from dh and the children (he has a phone too, which she never tried to call).

When we were all together one day (rare occurrence), MIL said she wished I would take SILs calls and I called her out on it. Said she hadn’t ever tried to call me, even showed my call log.

She burst into tears, PIL said I must be lying, now I am the devil.

Only call him out if you are sure your mum won’t immediately take his side.

Does your mum need help day to day? Who provides that if so? I would be concerned that this sets off spidey senses.

Sounds like a bog standard dickhead to me, I wouldn’t look for any deeper meaning.

You said you were already low contact with him so he obviously has previous.

This!!

He is outright lying. Tell your mum this, and get your cousin to tell her too. What a dick

Why do you think this is a good idea? Doing that leaves the way open to him entirely. He'll be free to do whatever he wants with the mother - coercion, financial abuse etc. As he has already wangled a lot of money from his parents in the past, he probably thinks he's struck the motherlode now his mother is on her own. His behaviour certainly points to that. OP and the cousin should both make it obvious that he's under observation and honesty with the mother is vital.

In what ways did he fleece your parents OP? Was it when he was young? Or more recently when they were more vulnerable? Just wondering if there is a "golden child" situation, and if so how do you stand with your DM? Does she generally favour him over you? This will all be relevant as to how you bring it up with her.
This whole situation sounds potentially really worrying, if you think there is any chance he is trying to downgrade you and cousin in your mother's eyes. You must tell her what he is doing re the phone calls, but how is she likely to respond?🍀

It could be that he is trying to isolate her as part of a plan for ongoing or future financial abuse.

He sees her alone. He couldn't invite you, because you didn't answer.

He makes you look bad or difficult.

It will be easier for him to take from her if you are not there, or if he paints you in a negative light

What you don’t want to do is get in a secret competition to please your mum. That can end with you running yourself ragged to please her while he does nothing but still manages to look good and make you look bad.
There was a sad lady on here a few years ago doing everything for her mum while he did nothing but turn up and scoop the glory.

Carry on supporting her as you have been, make sure you mention to her what you have done and are doing. Listen attentively to her needs and wants rather than doing to her what you think should be done. And nip false accusations in the blood by total transparency.

Consider using email to communicate between you with him cc in so he can’t stir or claim to be left out. It demonstrates you are doing all you can, communication wise.

Do a lot of ‘let’s both come back next weekend and help mum with X,Y,Z’ so you are proactively being seen to be cooperative.

I know you are LC, but you’re going to need to step up.

“Hey mum I think he has got my phone number wrong as there are no missed calls - I’ll text him my number “

“hey mum he hasn’t updated my number has he”

Yes this 👆

I see what you’re saying. I think I’ve possibly projected a bit and leapt to an assumption that op’s Mother refuses to believe badly of her son. I still don’t think there is any point speaking to him. And no point trying to convince her mother of his games if she won’t see them. Financial abuse is a worry but if her mother is of sound mind then she has the right to do what she wants and clearly has done in the past.

Luckily my mother is of sound mind but as I mentioned before re WhatsApp. She's not tech savvy so she could easily be financially abused and not know. I just don't know what to do without my mum thinking I have some vendetta against him. She sees the good in everyone and quite honestly wouldn't think him capable as he does odd jobs for her.

Yes it's spanned 15 years at least. Can't even pinpoint one thing. It's lots of things over the years,so much so that I almost had a breakdown.

He took a loan from parents. A payout from my father. He borrowed the lot, almost 40 grand and didn't pay it back. This was over 10 years ago. I also have a feeling mum financially helped him re his new house but I don't have proof of this.

Reading the OP only...my first thought was he is trying to drive a Wedge.

Reading your updates about the money.
💯 trying to drive a wedge and also maybr pick a fight so your mum os stuck in the middle / picks him and is isolated.

I'd phone the fucker once a week on principal. Stay close to your mum and try and take steps to prevent financial ( and other ) abuse

Thank you everyone. Lots to think about. I'll keep you all posted xx

Of course he's trying to pretend that he's contacting you. Every time your mother tells you what he says, WhatsApp him "sorry I missed your call...what's up?" That way you're not "being mean to him" which could upset your mother, and he'll know you're on to him.

I can’t explain why but me too.

One of my siblings did exactly the same for about six years. Constantly told my mum I never answer the phone return calls reply to texts etc. it wasn’t true he only very occasionally called me whilst driving. then started calling twice a year my birthday and Christmas so I could speak to my nieces and nephews.

we are now kinda nc rather than LC. I saw them over two years ago no phone calls ever. I get a card for birthday and Christmas that’s it apart from updates on their perfect lives from my mum.

my mum defended him and my other silbings awful behaviour towards me throughout all of this, 8-10 years Approx.

She seems to have stopped this finally this year, so far, as it’s that bad that there’s zero contact that she can’t continue to blame me. Last year when I saw my mum and she started on this topic once again I showed her my mobile which listed the last text from a sibling as being my birthday two years before. The same holiday none of the siblings could see us they all cancelled and told us they were sick so we went home early and mum saw them the next day, no one was ill. so I guess that started her realising I may be telling the truth.

The last straw that made her stop commenting was her telling me there was a big family get together for one of my siblings in law for their 50th, she told me the day before. I got upset on the phone as no one had even called me on my 50th a few weeks before and asked if it’d a big family get together do I no longer count as family?

sorry it’s happening to you too. Wa your brother always the favourite? Mine was and still is. I’m the eldest of 8 and the bottom of the pile.

Ulterior motive = £££.
Navigate this carefully to reveal to your mother what he is doing.

Has your mum sorted out a medical and financial POA now she’s on her own? May be worth a gentle conversation to find out, it has to be done while she has full capacity, and won’t come into effect until she doesn’t.