Another useless dh thread

[lissydoll23]

I don’t think he’s completely useless, he works hard, does his fair share around the house, maintains the garden and does most of the cooking. But when it comes to looking after our toddler he just doesn’t seem to use his initiative and wants to be spoon fed by me.

Example - the other day I had a family emergency and had to go out from about 10am-2pm. When I got back dd was still in her pjs and hadn’t left the house. I do feel quite strongly that the dc should go out for some fresh air if they can but it hadn’t occurred to dh to just dress her and take her for a walk. So after a stressful few hours I had to. This sort of thing happens a lot. When he’s ’looking after her’ he’s basically sat in the living room with her playing or watching TV. He doesn’t get on with anything else like tidying up or taking her out like I do on my days off.

He waits until I get in from work to give her an evening meal. If I’m running late he’ll just wait rather than get on with it himself. If we’re out in public and she needs a nappy change he just assumes I will do it as he gets flustered changing her in different places.

Dd is his first child whereas I have an older dc from previous marriage. So it’s like he just automatically thinks I know best and need to instruct him on everything. If I’m not here he is perfectly capable of doing all of these things he would just rather let me do it if I can.

I have so much on lately with work, family and the kids. I am burnt out and have snapped a few times at dh about this but then he just accuses me of always criticising him.

How do I approach this in a proactive way?

That’s super helpful thanks.

No need to feel sorry for my dc, they are very happy and loved. I do worry about yours though, can’t be easy growing up with a parent that is so pointlessly nasty.

Ah yes a stranger on the internet knows much more about my kids happiness than me.

Did you miss the part where I said he works hard, does his fair share in the house etc? That’s not being unsupported.

Could you leave the thread if you’ve nothing constructive to add?

I'm a midwife. I work with families in their early days. What I see is that mothers often think their way of doing things is the only way so they both take on this role of instructing their co-parent on how to do things rather than letting them find their own way and they can be highly critical of the process when the guy is finding his way.

To me, this can only lead to the man taking on less and less and awaiting the woman's word for how and when to do things. He becomes an assistant.

Okay so you feel strongly that the kid needs to be up.and dressed and out by X o clock..great that's how YOU can do things. Maybe he does it a different way. You need to give him the chance to do that.

So my advice is back off. Your kid wont die in their PJs. You need to allow your husband to gain confidence and accountability for your child, and that comes by actually giving him responsibility for her. You're not doing that when you keep instructing him on how it must be done.

It's too late to ensure you have the same views on these things so you have to make do with the fact that you'll do it differently.

He sounds utterly useless and you’ve gone on to minimise it. I divorced a man like that.

I think the crux of it is you said "So after a stressful few hours I had to." why did you do it? Why not tell him to get her dressed? Tell him to feed her at a set time and not wait for you to come home. So what if he gets flustered changing a nappy, as you know this is parenting and you just have to get on with it. You need a sit down talk with him and you need to step back a little, stop rescuing him. I know this is hard because you are the default parent but lay down your expectations of what his parenting role is including doing other things like tidying up.

Rather than snapping in the moment, you need to organise a time when the children are asleep or away that you can both sit down and discuss this as mature adults wanting to communicate healthily.

So because he didn't do it your way he is useless?

No but I don’t think it’s a lot to ask and it would just be nice to see him use his own initiative rather than me have to instruct him on everything.

Maybe there's a halfway point between your way and his that you could have a constructive conversation about?

Yes, he shouldn't wait for you to give her dinner, and yes, he should be as able to change a nappy as you are, regardless of where you are. But playing with her instead of multi-tasking with housework is, imo, not a bad thing. And while obviously small children need outings and exercise and activity, it isn't going to kill anyone if she doesn't go out for a day. Unless she's unusually high energy you didn't need to take her out, and if she desperately needed it, you could have just asked him to do it.

Maybe your standards are too high and his are too low, so meeting in the middle might make sense. Sorry you're having a stressful time @lissydoll23

What do you expect people to say? You sound right on the edge OP.
We can't make him do efficient childcare any more than you can.
At least he is doing something like gardening and cleaning and does play with the child unlike either of my exes who did nothing at all. Literally nothing.
I dumped both of my exes because they contributed absolutely nothing to my life just made it harder.
It doesn't really sound like your dh is that bad.

There is “being neglectful” “being useless” and “not doing things the same as you” and you need to untangle these.

You “feeling strongly” that children should go out for fresh air every day .. is a “you” thing, it’s not important to everyone, and him not thinking the same as you makes him neither useless or neglectful, it makes him “not you”. You are not automatically correct in all things, people are different, and he is allowed to parent in a different way, that is in no way “neglectful”.
He needs to be allowed to get on with things, in a different way to you, without you correcting him, or trying to make him into you.

Waiting to give her an evening meal .. so he likes to eat as a family, how nice. Again, unless she’s screaming the house down in ravenous hunger, what’s the problem?

He gets flustered as nappy changing in new places…. He’s not the only one. I can’t imagined that this is a situation that happens often, but if it does, just leave him to it. He may be flustered, but he’s an adult, and nappies don’t last forever.

I imagine he lets you do it, as you criticise the way he does it, as it’s not “your way” … just let him get on with it.

But that's the thing, you seem to be waiting for him to use his initiative and do what you would do. Otherwise you think his initiative isnt being used.

I’m stressed at the moment yeah. Lots going on and sick of having to instruct my dh on what to do with his own dc. But I suppose as pp have said, it’s just a clash of our personal opinions and parenting. I think it’s in the dc best interests to get outside on a nice day even if just for half an hour. It’s not a big thing to ask and I don’t get why Dh can’t see that. It’s not like I’m saying ‘right I want two educational activities before breakfast and a 5 mile hike in the afternoon.’ It’s basic stuff.

My response to that particular post was shitty because the first comment was a super patronising, superior ‘I feel sorry for your dc’ which nobody needs or wants to hear. This isn’t neglect or poor parenting. My kids are fine. The poster was being sarcastic and unpleasant for the sake of it.

This is good advice OP, he needs to build his confidence. I made the same mistake with my sons dad and stepdad, it’s such an easy one to fall into especially as it pushes your protective buttons but the more you try to control the worse it will get. If you can talk to him and really own your part of the dynamic, you guys might find yourselves in an excellent new place.

Op you have two options-

go away for a long weekend and leave him to crack on,there is a risk you will come back to a big mess but if you do take dd out and leave him to sort it. At least he will have had a go at feeding/ bedtime etc

or teach him to do it, you shouldn’t have to but he doesn’t seem to know. So you text and say “going to be late can you feed dc at X time” he will inevitably ask what he should give her so you say “ did you check the fridge? I thought there was chicken and broccoli in there?”!! Don’t at any point do it for him and try not to snap as he will play victim. On a weekend say “ I need to catch up on x job, can you get dc out the house for a couple hours from 1? You could go park or soft play?” As thes things become normal to him you pull back your involvement, stop making suggestions .

It isnt a big thing to ask and its how I do things too. But believe it or not, I did try to make sure my co-parents shared some of those core values beforehand because I really didn't want someone who would let the baby still be in their PJs at midday.

There are things I didn't make sure of and yeah, I've had to deal with the fact that I picked them and they aren't necessarily wrong.

Why can't dc just spend time simply living? Was dc crying and neglected in pj's or just having a chill day? You like dc being out daily. Dh likes staying in... Surely he can parent his way in his time?

I think it’s in the dc best interests to get outside on a nice day even if just for half an hour. It’s not a big thing to ask and I don’t get why Dh can’t see that. It’s not like I’m saying ‘right I want two educational activities before breakfast and a 5 mile hike in the afternoon.’ It’s basic stuff.

Ideally, yes. I don't disagree with you, but it's also worth looking at your own expectations and whether they're creating unnecessary stress, both for you and the people around you. His opinion might be that building legos together is equally valuable.

Sometimes it pays to step out of the dynamic and do a check on whether we're keeping things in perspective. From the outside, it sounds like some things are worth discussing and something things maybe need to be let go.

This woman [thesequel] is a freak, an absolute nut job, She's all over my post and in my DM's mocking my infertility, seriously, just report her posts. She's absolutely unhinged.

Sending love to you OP.