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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Another useless dh thread

40 replies

lissydoll23 · 23/05/2025 08:09

I don’t think he’s completely useless, he works hard, does his fair share around the house, maintains the garden and does most of the cooking. But when it comes to looking after our toddler he just doesn’t seem to use his initiative and wants to be spoon fed by me.

Example - the other day I had a family emergency and had to go out from about 10am-2pm. When I got back dd was still in her pjs and hadn’t left the house. I do feel quite strongly that the dc should go out for some fresh air if they can but it hadn’t occurred to dh to just dress her and take her for a walk. So after a stressful few hours I had to. This sort of thing happens a lot. When he’s ’looking after her’ he’s basically sat in the living room with her playing or watching TV. He doesn’t get on with anything else like tidying up or taking her out like I do on my days off.

He waits until I get in from work to give her an evening meal. If I’m running late he’ll just wait rather than get on with it himself. If we’re out in public and she needs a nappy change he just assumes I will do it as he gets flustered changing her in different places.

Dd is his first child whereas I have an older dc from previous marriage. So it’s like he just automatically thinks I know best and need to instruct him on everything. If I’m not here he is perfectly capable of doing all of these things he would just rather let me do it if I can.

I have so much on lately with work, family and the kids. I am burnt out and have snapped a few times at dh about this but then he just accuses me of always criticising him.

How do I approach this in a proactive way?

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 23/05/2025 08:49

He’s not ‘doing his fair share’ if his parenting is poor. (Cooking, getting her dressed, doing things with her etc)

Have you spoken to him about your concerns about his parenting? If he’s reasonable he’ll sort himself out. If he’s a lazy, shit parent he won’t and you’ll then need to decide what to do.

Daisyvodka · 23/05/2025 08:50

Okay, well on the nappy change thing - that's easy (well, 'easy') he gets stressed doing it, which will improve with practice. So that's what you say to him, every single time. In fact, apply that to everything. You need to step back, or find opportunities to step away from being 'main parent' because he needs the practice. And you sound like you could really use a break, to be honest. There will be a transition period where you might find it tougher, because I totally understand that coming home to find that he's done nothing would also be stressful, but ultimately things aren't going to get better unless he internalised the fact he is an equal parent, not just your babysitter. The only thing I would suggest on the 'your way or his way' is that you ask him what he's planning for her dinner, if you are out over dinnertime, to make it clear that the expectations is that he will organise food and feed her. You need a break, he needs the practice.

Loopytiles · 23/05/2025 08:55

Tell him he’s cooking X nights a week, if he then doesn’t, feed DD but not him.

If there are unisex changing facilities when you’re out, stop changing DD when DH is there to do it. You’re enabling his shitness.

Original poster

lissydoll23 · 23/05/2025 08:57

Thank you for the supportive comments, it does help. On the whole I’m happy being default parent, I work less hours and it’s fine. I like doing stuff with my dc.
Maybe he just value time playing inside but the cynical part of me thinks he just thought oh well I’ll wait for mum to come back so she can take her out.

OP posts:

GasperyJacquesRoberts · 23/05/2025 08:59

So it’s like he just automatically thinks I know best and need to instruct him on everything.

I do feel quite strongly that the dc should go out for some fresh air if they can but it hadn’t occurred to dh to just dress her and take her for a walk.

You are putting yourself in the position of knowing what's best and getting angry at him when he's not doing things the way and time you'd do them. I'm not surprised he's letting you take the lead because he's realised that it's not about him taking an initiative, it's about him following your orders.

BoredZelda · 23/05/2025 09:03

He had her for a few hours and you criticised him for how he did that. He doesn’t have to parent exactly the same way as you do all the time. Perhaps he waits for instructions because he’s so used to you telling him how he is supposed to do things when he tries to take initiative. If he is saying he feels criticised, perhaps it’s time to listen.

To be honest, the tone of your responses so far gives an insight into your character. I can imagine your husband might feel demoralised if that’s the way you respond to people.

Starling7 · 23/05/2025 09:06

He will never take initiative if you keep telling him off. He sounds like he is a good husband and really tries in other areas. He is probably scared of your reaction.

Pickingmyselfup · 23/05/2025 09:07

To be fair I don't take my kids out every single day even when they were little. They are old enough to play out by themselves now so take themselves into the park with friends but on Sunday I don't plan on going anywhere and it's up to them to get dressed. If they go outside they put clothes on, if not then I don't have any issue if they stay in a onesie.

Changing a baby in public is a lot more annoying than at home, getting flustered isn't a major deal but assuming you will do it is, you both need to share the load.

The dinner thing...is he waiting for you to cook it or is he just waiting so you can eat too because there is a difference assuming your child isn't screaming because she's hungry.

Nanny0gg · 23/05/2025 09:10

lissydoll23 · 23/05/2025 08:24

No but I don’t think it’s a lot to ask and it would just be nice to see him use his own initiative rather than me have to instruct him on everything.

Show quote history

I don't agree with you insisting she has to be taken out - if he didn't want to that's fine.

I do agree he should change nappies when you're out and she should be fed at her usual times whether you're there or not.

The rest - if he's 'in charge' then it's up to him

rainbowstardrops · 23/05/2025 09:11

I get why you’re pissed off because it’s not rocket science to think to get your own child dressed by midday, or when you’re running late from work for him to ask you if you would like him to wait for you or to just crack on with dinner for the little one. I wouldn’t be too fussed if he’d been playing indoors instead of getting out in the fresh air because that’s just his preference. If he was sat on his phone or gaming while the little one was running feral then that would be different.
I’ve been pissed off in the past and told my DH that nobody gives me a list of what to do, so why does he need one but maybe you need to kind of point him in the right direction? ‘Right DH, I’m off. See you in a couple of hours. Obviously make sure LO is dressed and fed. I’ve left the pushchair in case you fancy getting out for a bit’. That kind of thing?
How old is your little one?

PopThatBench · 23/05/2025 09:20

This is probably something I’d also snap at in the heat of the moment/being exhausted. However, on the outside looking in, it’s always easier to see another viewpoint.
Your DC might grow up thinking “when it’s just us and Dad we get to stay in our PJs and chill and we love it…”.
He sounds very helpful around the house in general (as he should be) and his style of parenting might be more relaxed/chill.
I’m a “let’s go out and do this” Mum too whereas my DP would be quite happy to stay inside with my DD(7) and watch a film 😅

atamlin · 23/05/2025 09:26

Have you talked to him? If you haven’t addressed this he probably thinks he can carry on. He doesn’t sound confident at all, I’d probably book a night away to give him some immersion therapy.

user2848502016 · 23/05/2025 09:29

Did you ask him if he could get her dressed and take her out for a walk?

I get that you shouldn’t have to but maybe he lacks a bit of confidence in taking the initiative with DD? Maybe he thought playing indoors for the morning was fine and he would have taken her out later.

Also with dinner you can’t let him get away with not bothering to start cooking but maybe he just needs a nudge - when our DDs were little I used to work part time so do most of the food shopping & meal planning so we had a whiteboard in the kitchen with meals for the week on it so if DH got home first he would start cooking whatever was on the plan. It just saved us bickering about silly things like “why did you make bolognese, the chicken needed using before the mince”

Loopytiles · 23/05/2025 09:33

did he clean her teeth? If he didn’t that’s piss poor.

One being the ‘default parent’ and the other being poor is a shit deal for your DC.

Eenameenadeeka · 23/05/2025 09:57

Sounds like there needs to be some compromise here, he doesn't have to do everything exactly as you would. Yes, she should be fed and nappy changed, but it is not compulsory that a child gets out of the house every day, if he was playing with her at home that's fine too and you didn't actually have to take her when you got back. If he's doing most of the cooking, does he have the meal ready and is just waiting for you to eat as a family?

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