AiBU for feeling so drained (and like a bad friend) after my friend's visit?

[Lifelongtrauma]

My friend came to visit for a whole week. We've been friends for like 20 years, but we only lived in the same country for like 4-6 of those 20.

I've never had that many friends anyway and I do consider her one of best frirnde, but I guess that's more out of "continuity" so to speak.

Because of work and life I don't get to engage with people that much, so having her with me for 7 days non stop felt incredibly draining.

I also realised that we dont have that much in common anymore and that we see life VERY differently.

Last time I saw her for a very extended period of time was like 7 years ago.

I'm glad she's left now but I feel bad about feeling that way too. She hasn't done anything inherently wrong (yes she's a bit stubborn about things she really doesn't understand - like my job) but nothing to vouch making me feel so drained. I still feel like a bad friend for feeling this way.

Did you invite her or was it her idea? Do you live somewhere nice for holidays? Did she contribute to costs?

No, she asked if she could come because another friend whe was going to visit in Europe cancelled on her.

Not really, and yes she did contribute a little bit but not massively (say like 15-20% of added costs).

A week is too long for most visits. I’d be exhausted unless the guest independently came and went a lot. Conversation gets tiring after a couple of hours.

We were joint by the hip the whole time.

It's normal to feel tired after hosting for a week. You are different people, it was a catch up. Don't read too much in to it.

A week is far too long for most visits, I agree, even from people you’re far closer to, and see far more regularly. This friendship sounds more token than anything, anyway, if you’ve mostly lived in different countries, and you’ve realised you see the world very differently.

Awful. No wonder you don’t like her after that. Give it time and your old friendliness may come back gradually.

I’d feel drained too, even with my closest friends, after a week. Hosting is tiring and add into that possibly being a bit introverted and needing time to yourself. Don’t feel bad about it, maybe plan shorter get togethers in future on neutral ground x

She wants to go on a cruise in 5 years.

She also wanted to go on a beach holiday, but I told her that was never going to happen as we have very different ideas of our "ideal" hotel.

3 days is enough.
You are,probably, planning meals, remembering to lock the doors, tidying up, whilst also engaging in conversation and discussion. She is doing one of those.

Totally normal OP. I don’t think there is anyone on the planet I could spend a whole week with none stop and not feel drained. I’m also sure someone would feel drained if they spent a whole week with me none stop too. It’s a lot.

I think I’d feel that way with anyone even my best best friend who I love seeing. I just need a certain amount of downtime and having people at your home doesn’t provide that

Some people drain your battery, some charge it. It’s not always easy to put your finger on why

And the truth is that I don't even know who I'd love seeing everyday all day apart from DH or my dog .

There's not many people that I'd want to host for a week! It's normal to feel a bit drained after visitors so don't feel guilty. Just don't agree to have anyone stay for more than a night or two again!

In our culture that would be seen as rude (from the host) but also inviting yourself is rude too, so I think my friend wins ;)

I'd be drained after spending a full week with someone. It wouldn't be a reflection on the friendship, I just like time alone and I like variety.

I wonder if the friend who cancelled the visit feels the same way as you. I also wonder if she had invited herself to visit that friend too.

OP I'm not surprised you feel drained. I feel drained after hosting for a few hours so 7 days would be a lot! Maybe you didn't realise you'd feel that way but you know for next time.

Since she hasn’t done anything wrong I wouldn’t recommend writing it off. You’re just in different places right now, and having someone in your personal space for a whole week can be really draining, sometimes people just need to recharge their batteries. Who knows, maybe in the future you’ll live closer and the friendship could go back to how it used to be. You’re definitely not a bad friend.

Absolutly not being unreasonable - I have just come back from a week long holiday with my dad (plus husband and kids) My dad and I are best of friends, see eachother every few days, speak most days on the phone for 10 mins or so.... Well after day 3 of the hols I was ready to swing for him haha. Now I we've been back a week I still feel myself being annoyed at him when we speak - I think its just far too long to spend with anyone apart from partner/kids

A week is a long time.
Would be far too long for me.
Say no next time.

A week is a long stretch of hosting especially if they're not doing their own thing for any of it. Not surprised you need to recharge. Doesn't mean they're not a nice friend, they've just delighted you quite enough for now!

Seven days constantly with another person is too much.

I also just had an old friend to stay with me for a week. We have known each other for nearly 30 years, but because of distance, covid etc I hadn't seen her for five years. We did some things together during the week, but she also went off and did her own thing a lot of the time, caught up with other friends and so on. It was great - we enjoyed catching up with each other, but it didn't feel like too much.

If you ever have this friend to stay again (or anyone else) try to plan it so that you get down-time and they do some stuff independently. And definitely don't agree to a cruise!

Can't remember who said it but 'Guests are like fish, they go off after 3 days and start to stink'. The only person I can have around for that long is my bestie because she knows I sometimes need to recharge and will head off to do her own thing for a wee while.