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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dh not helping and at the end of my tether

52 replies

girlmum1999 · 22/05/2025 08:08

Me and my dh have a three month old girl. From the start I have been the main parent which is normal, however I am getting frustrated due to dh not helping with anything.

for context dh is a plumber and works around 8 - 10 hours a day however some days he finishes early and chooses to work weekends when he feels like it. When he comes homes from work he goes straight to the living room where he will sit on his phone for most of the evening before either falling asleep on the couch or going to bed.

due to being on maternity I do everything at home and with baby even in the evening when he’s home.

I could probably count on my hands how many times dh has fed baby or changed baby. I just feel overwhelmed and knackered constantly. Also with baby at three months it is getting progressively harder to do house work as she needs more entertaining and I have resorted to having the pram in the house so I can bring her with me when cleaning.

dh is also not very social with me and some nights he will hardly talk to me so I’m starting to feel quite lonely as I can’t really have a great conversation with a three month old.

when I have addressed the issues he states that he shouldn’t have to do anything as he works and that the time in the evening is “his time”. Even when dh is off on a weekend he will sleep in till around midday and when I address this he states well it’s my day off. It seems like whenever I bring it up to him things change for a day then go back to normal.

i just feel overwhelmed and annoyed especially at a night time when I’m cooking baby is fussing and he chooses to ignore this and sit in the other room. Of an evening especially I do not stop as I cook tea do the pots feed baby bath her put her to bed then clean the kitchen and when I asked for help I get the reply of “one minute”. It is really hit or miss as to whether he will help me when I ask him to do one task. I’m not bothered about doing stuff but it frustrates me that he just sits there.

it is like his life has not changed at all since having baby.

people are asking me oh is he doing ok and helping with the baby and I lie due to embarrassment and say he’s really helping.

aibu for being annoyed about his mindset of why do I have to do anything as I work.

OP posts:

DoNoTakeNo · 22/05/2025 08:12

You are absolutely not being unreasonable, he totally is - very selfish & ignorant behaviour and he has to change for all your sakes.
Huge hugs.

Geneticsbunny · 22/05/2025 08:13

When is your day off?

RabbitsRock · 22/05/2025 08:13

OP that’s awful. I was going to say shocking but sadly it isn’t as there seem to be way too many men who can make a baby but that’s where their input stops. Of course your DH should be doing some of the childcare, housework etc.

Agix · 22/05/2025 08:15

Don't lie for him.

Ask him when "your time" is. You are looking after a baby all hoirs of the day. You don't get time off.

His time off work should be split 50/50 - so 50% of it he looks after baby so you get done time off too.

Or suggest to him that you hire a nanny or minder for a couple of days a week so you get your break. When he says it costs too much, tell him yes - because this is bloody hard work and you need a damn break.

If he doesn't listen with all those explanations , then he's being willfully ignorant and doesn't care about you.

Ponoka7 · 22/05/2025 08:16

What were the discussions like before you got pregnant? What was he like before? It would seem that he thinks he's got you were he wants you and there's nothing you can do about it. You don't have a relationship. Will he talk about it?

OrangeAndPistachio · 22/05/2025 08:17

Of course he's unreasonable. So what are you going to do?

Exh was like that. I left after years of doing everything myself. Life was easier without him.

Hadalifeonce · 22/05/2025 08:19

Do not lie for him, if people ask just say he does nothing, it is all left to you.
Ask him when is your day off.
Stop cooking for him, he can do that for both of you.

Original poster

girlmum1999 · 22/05/2025 08:19

Ponoka7 · 22/05/2025 08:16

if we have a discussion he tries to gaslight me basically, stating that the house work should not take all day so why should he have to do it due to my poor time management. There has been times when we have had a disagreement where he will completely ignore me when I am trying to discuss.

We were perfectly happy before pregnancy and then got progressively worse.

OP posts:

RobinEllacotStrike · 22/05/2025 08:20

He sounds like an irredeemable twat who is looking for a trad wife.

Divorce him.

QuickFawn · 22/05/2025 08:22

girlmum1999 · 22/05/2025 08:19

We were perfectly happy before pregnancy and then got progressively worse.

Show quote history

Gosh what a catch…
as he adds nothing to your or your daughters life I can’t see any other option than LTB?
sounds like he was a useless twit before you had a child together; he’s not going to change now

Original poster

girlmum1999 · 22/05/2025 08:22

It’s got to the point that my close friends dislike him due to his behaviour as I vent to them, and have told me to leave him, but I feel that’s easier said then done and as cliche as it sounds I want us to be a nice family but obviously I know that’s for my to realise that I have to think realistically is anything going to change after several discussions or is this the type of person he is.

OP posts:

crumblingschools · 22/05/2025 08:23

Get out of the mindset of him ‘helping’ you. He should be parenting and doing his share of household chores, especially at weekends.

QuickFawn · 22/05/2025 08:23

You can only have a nice family if you have a nice dh, which is not happening unless yours has a personality transplant…

Rubberducksallround · 22/05/2025 08:24

You need to reframe this in your mind.

You are not asking him to 'help' you are asking him to be a dad.

S0j0urn4r · 22/05/2025 08:25

Absolutely no more lying for him. Tell it like it is.
Is he capable of caring for baby? If so, just disappear next weekend.
Stop doing anything for him. No cooking, cleaning, admin. If he complains tell him you don't have time as you are parenting. If he could do some parenting (and be clear what that looks like) you might have time for other stuff.
Are you going back to work? What will parenting and household care look like then?
Have a long think: is this how you want the rest of your life to be?
Do NOT get pregnant again.

Fruitbat99 · 22/05/2025 08:28

Wow what a prince.

When is your day off? When do you have "me" time?

Hes a loser, he isn't parenting or partnering at this point

PermanentTemporary · 22/05/2025 08:28

I wouldn't lie to others about him, but I also wouldn't vent about him, unless you're definitely settled on leaving.

Is there an option to go and stay with your parents or inlaws for a bit? Get some help and rest at least. Also usually lots of irritations so that he looks better when you get back.

Yes I think he should be doing more. Obviously. Hand him the baby while you're cooking. Fix a Sunday lie in for yourself and explain what that looks like (stuff prepped by him downstairs; they go out together rather than making noise until you get up).

ForFunGoose · 22/05/2025 08:28

Don’t use your days to clean!
Go out with the baby, join groups and meet people. It will energise you and help with the loneliness.

Original poster

girlmum1999 · 22/05/2025 08:30

It’s got to the point where I don’t really trust him to look after her as he has hardly done anything with her anyway, I know that’s my own problem for not trusting him, but he has never shown me that he can do anything right

OP posts:

DeathNote11 · 22/05/2025 08:31

Doesn't it give you big time ick him being so pathetic? It did me, divorced mine & never once looked back. Be aware, once you get sick of him & break free he'll still follow the same pattern of you being responsible for everything, & refuse to co-parent. His profession also makes it easy for him to hide income from the Child Maintenance Service, so it'll be a flat £7 a week, if anything. Always remember that how ever many children you have with that man, will be the number of children you have sole responsibility for in the future - practically, emotionally & financially. So make any decisions about having more children with him with your eyes wide open.

PumpkinSpicedLatte · 22/05/2025 08:32

So sorry OP. It’s so incredibly hard especially without the help. Not to sound dramatic but my marriage ended at 5 months Post Partum due to the extreme exhaustion ruining me after my husband wouldn’t help me, even on his days off.
Be honest with him and those around you and have him help with HIS baby. I don’t want that to happen to you too.

Snowdropsaremyfavourite · 22/05/2025 08:32

I am so sorry to hear this. I completely empathise as my ex husband was exactly the same. It is utterly exhausting trying to reason with a man who has this mindset. My only advice is to seek guidance from outside sources who will help you leave him. Try Citizen's Advice or Women's Aid. Take care OP. I hope you find your happy ending.

Blackdow · 22/05/2025 08:32

This doesn’t change. This doesn’t get better. You may get small improvements, but they last a few days and then he’ll go back to this. This is him. If you stay, your life will be a constant battle. It is much easier to leave with a small baby and raise them not to know any different than to have with a toddler or school aged child.
Make a plan and get out of there. Leave him.

StMarie4me · 22/05/2025 08:32

It’s not that he’s not helping. He shouldn’t be helping.
He’s not being a parent. He’s not stepping up.
Id pack him a bag and tell him to go back to the 1950s until he figured out how to be a Dad. You should not have to tell/ ask/ show.

Mrsttcno1 · 22/05/2025 08:33

Even if you take the housework and cooking out of it, did he not also contribute to the making of this child? Is it not also his baby? When does he actually spend any time with his own child?!

As a mum of a 13 month old, and pregnant with my second, I’d be making plans to leave here because the thought of having a daughter who comes home excited to see daddy in a few years and is still competing with his phone breaks my heart. He’s not interested in being a husband or a dad so I’d just see the truth in his actions and plan accordingly.

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