Dh not helping and at the end of my tether

[girlmum1999]

Me and my dh have a three month old girl. From the start I have been the main parent which is normal, however I am getting frustrated due to dh not helping with anything.

for context dh is a plumber and works around 8 - 10 hours a day however some days he finishes early and chooses to work weekends when he feels like it. When he comes homes from work he goes straight to the living room where he will sit on his phone for most of the evening before either falling asleep on the couch or going to bed.

due to being on maternity I do everything at home and with baby even in the evening when he’s home.

I could probably count on my hands how many times dh has fed baby or changed baby. I just feel overwhelmed and knackered constantly. Also with baby at three months it is getting progressively harder to do house work as she needs more entertaining and I have resorted to having the pram in the house so I can bring her with me when cleaning.

dh is also not very social with me and some nights he will hardly talk to me so I’m starting to feel quite lonely as I can’t really have a great conversation with a three month old.

when I have addressed the issues he states that he shouldn’t have to do anything as he works and that the time in the evening is “his time”. Even when dh is off on a weekend he will sleep in till around midday and when I address this he states well it’s my day off. It seems like whenever I bring it up to him things change for a day then go back to normal.

i just feel overwhelmed and annoyed especially at a night time when I’m cooking baby is fussing and he chooses to ignore this and sit in the other room. Of an evening especially I do not stop as I cook tea do the pots feed baby bath her put her to bed then clean the kitchen and when I asked for help I get the reply of “one minute”. It is really hit or miss as to whether he will help me when I ask him to do one task. I’m not bothered about doing stuff but it frustrates me that he just sits there.

it is like his life has not changed at all since having baby.

people are asking me oh is he doing ok and helping with the baby and I lie due to embarrassment and say he’s really helping.

aibu for being annoyed about his mindset of why do I have to do anything as I work.

Did he want to become a parent?
If so, ask him what he thought parenting would look like.

These posts always make me so sad. Do these dads not want to spend time with their own kids? I can understand not wanting to load the dishwasher - no one wants to do that. But not even want some time with the baby is just plain blah.

I don't know what the solution is here but please don't have any more kids with him. He's showing you how disinterested he is every day. Take him at his word.

I think if you're home all day and he's working 8-10 hour days, I wouldn't expect him to come home and do housework. BUT he should absolutely want to spend time with his child, playing with her, feeding and changing her and bathing and putting to bed. That is not 'helping' you, that is being a parent.

I think you need to toughen up, hand him the baby and tell him to get off his phone and look after his child. Then leave him to it. Go and have a bath, go out for a bit or go in the garden and sit down with a coffee. Tell him you've been with the baby all day and she needs time with her daddy. You have to let him get on with it and not micro manage it or he'll never learn.

If he's not wanting or willing to spend time with his child, I would not want to stay with him. There's no future in the relationship if he is unwilling to change.

It's the simple question of did/does he want her? If so, he takes her and bonds with her, even if you are on the same room. Her feeding will soon change and he'll have no excuses. Read the threads on here were five years later, the men still don't engage with the children or family life. It's better for children if you split early. To live with a father who doesn't really want to know you, destroys a girl's self esteem. You need one more go at telling him he needs to take her. This is about him being a Dad, not the housework. If he doesn't want to be a Dad, you have your answer.

This doesn’t get better until you address it, and by that I mean a proper conversation.
You need to sit down once your child is in bed and tell him a few home truths. That you can’t and don’t want to continue the way things are. You appreciate he is at work all day, but being at home doesn’t mean you sit down doing nothing.
He chose to have a child too and he should be sharing the parental load. For him to walk in and sit in his phone is not just lazy, it’s fucking rude.
If he can’t see what he is doing wrong then I OP I kindly suggest that it may be time to put things in place so you can leave. Whilst you will still be doing 100% of the work, you won’t feel the resentment you feel now.
Happy families aren’t always the traditional ones and you sound so unhappy. If he can’t see he’s being a selfish arse to you, the person he is supposed to love, and his baby you are better off without him. I bet your friends would be hugely supportive too if he wasn’t around.

edited to add: agree with pp, this is not about housework, this is about being a good dad to your child.

He was ecstatic to find out I was pregnant so this was frustrates me as well it’s like he wanted the status of having a child and that’s it

Soon the baby is going to be a toddler and demand time from his dad when he's home. Is he just going to ignore his child then?

Sorry to hear this. Looking after LO and cleaning is not "helping." It's parenting and sharing the household load FFS!

Come on, OP. Find your backbone. You present him with two options – marriage counselling or a divorce solicitor. Tell him you’re not fucking around and you will absolutely not tolerate this bullshit.

See, people slate step-mums / getting together with someone who already has children but in my opinion (and reading the many threads on here like this one) I think it's actually a pretty good idea as you get to see what a man will be like as a dad before you actually decide to have a baby with him!!! One of the most attractive things to me when me and DH met was how a good, hands-on and involved dad he is and always has been.

These stories like OPs seem to be so, SO common on here?!

Anyway, apologies for going slightly off topic but I don't think there's much that can be suggested. He obviously would rather spend his free time on his phone than with his wife and child so don't really know how you can rectify that as he's showing you that neither of you are a priority to him. If at the end of a working day he doesn't want to come home and spend time with his new baby then that's extremely sad.

@DeathNote11 comment is spot on.

Always remember that how ever many children you have with that man, will be the number of children you have sole responsibility for in the future - practically, emotionally & financially.

Yet another useless man who thinks looking after babies and children is women’s work.
Soon he will be wondering why you can’t stand having him near you because you are so resentful.
You need to spell out in very simple words that he has responsibilities at home too, and ask him how he would arrange his work schedule around having to look after a baby 50 % of the week because you have divorced his revolting selfish self.

Did his ecstasy when finding out you were pregnant consist of him going out drinking with his friends, telling everyone all about it and so on? Or was he actually useful and looking at what the baby would need, buying things, researching things, decorating the baby's room?

Another useless twat husband! If you didn’t see this coming op, and he has changed since the birth then that’s really sad, you must be questioning wtf did I marry all the time! I think you give him one more chance to step up, and have a serious talk. Ultimately though if he won’t change then you need to - and your first step should be a visit to a lawyers office..

You're on leave from your job which is presumably 8 hours a day. You do what housework you can manage while looking after a baby and while catching up on sleep from the previous night. Then, when your DH is home, it should be 50/50 in childcare and what housework is left.

He must know he's being lazy. Tell him he needs to look after his own kid when he's not at work (and help with housework you haven't managed). He must also see you running around and feel bad. If he's your partner and he loves you, he shouldn't be happily sitting around while you look after his kid 24/7. Be honest and don't cover for him with other people. He could do with being shamed.

I wouldn’t do a single thing for him, no washing, no tidying up, no tea etc.. show him as much contempt for him as he does for you.

I’d also be advising him if he doesn’t buck up his ideas the relationship will be over.

No

But your job is now to look after you and the baby

Do nothing for him. Because that's how it's going to be when he's living on his own

I'm very sorry, because this should be a really happy time for you but you need to start getting your ducks in a row.

When are you due to go back to work? What does he think is going to happen then?

He won’t change. I’d divorce him so fast it would make his head spin. Hope you have family and friends to support you through this. Having a new baby is tough enough without dealing with that level of fuckery.

What is your financial situation? Are you on maternity leave with a job to go back to?

Your DH is an utter disgrace and I would stop doing anything for him. I wouldn't cook his meals or do his laundry and I certainly wouldn't be having sex with him.

Do you have any supportive family nearby?

You've been put into Like It or Lump It.

Tell him you want a divorce and he can have 50/50 PR or pay you CM do you can look after his child. His choice.

I have one like this. Sadly it doesn’t get better. I’m 8 years in and miserable…and planning my escape.

What is it with these men who think 'maternity leave' means '24 hour drudgery'? That simply not going to a day job means that you will do literally EVERYTHING and not just for the 35 hours a week when you were at work, but ALL THE TIME?

Ditch the idea that he’s not helping. Him doing stuff is him stepping up to be an adult and sharing responsibilities. Saying helping insinuates that everything is down to you and if he does anything he’s helping you.

Thanks OP for reminding me that my imperfect husband really isn’t that bad.

I hope you find the strength to leave. In the meantime I hope you are not washing his clothes or cooking his food. You are not on mat leave to look after him.

Also, you have to try let him look after her. He is more competent than he lets on. You also learnt on the job and worked it out. If you are bf, give her a feed and then hand her to him and go out until the next feed. Let him see what it takes. They’ll be ok.

Oh this is sad, sorry you’re in this situation.
does he not want to spend time with his child when he gets in from work? Is your baby breastfed? (Sorry if you’ve said I’ve not read the full thread)
I know you’ve said you don’t trust him and he’s not doing anything right, but is that “right” in the sense his way negatively effecting your child or just a different way to how you would do it. If the latter then I think you need to let this go, and don’t become the expert as it’s setting yourself up for years of doing it alone.

I agree with people saying he’s not “helping” he’s looking after his child.