Holidays end bad

[Candymac]

Hi
I'm just home from a wonderful mini break with husband and kids. Me and Husband are not on great terms last few years but staying together because of kids
Last eve of holidays, I was explaining why we didn't all have to do what he wanted every day, that it was OK for us to not want to see all the churches and museums but we didn't mind if he did.
He paused and looked at me and said, you're only a c@%t, and a bitch
Right in front of my 3 teens.i left and walked home on my own
He doesn't do this frequently but I've certainly heard it before and I think it's because he's hurting, he knows I don't want him anymore
AIBU to be disgusted at this behaviour particularly in front of my kids?
Haven't spoken to him since and he ruined what was a fantastic holiday

Yanbt that’s this is unacceptable but yabu not to split up. What example are you setting your children about healthy relationships?

I'm afraid I can't see any point in you remaining together if he's speaking like that to you in front of your teenage kids OP. A shame he ruined the holiday for you, but in your shoes, what he did would be enough to make me end the relationship if it's that fragile in the first place.

Your kids won’t thank you for staying together “because of them”.

My mum and dad should have split up years ago, instead they continued to inflict their miserable relationship on me and my sibling, affecting us both long term in all kinds of ways.

You’re really not doing them some wonderful favour by staying, in fact they may end up having zero respect and even contempt for you when they’re older.

Was it necessary for you to do that at the end of your holiday? He shouldn't be speaking to anyone like that in front of his children, but staying together and the effects are on both of you.

I imagine it’s not easy splitting up and sorting finances/where everyone will live, but I think I’d rather sort that than stay with someone who thinks it’s ok to be controlling and abusive in front of the dc. Please don’t tell yourself you’re staying together for the sake of the kids: do you really think they’ll be grateful for that given his horrible behaviour? What is he teaching them about adult relationships?

Your kids will see the dad's behaviour as normal towards their partner, and will replicate it some day. Is that what you want? Staying on "for the sake of the kids" is exposing them to such behaviour between their parents. That's not good.

I'd be making plans to skidaddle the minute I got home TBH. Make a plan and stick to it. I know it's easier to stay, but think of the future, think of you, and think of your kids. He will still see them, but without the toxicity of your relationship, such as it is.

Good luck to you. Have pride in yourself and your ability to get away from this person.

Thank you all, I see all sides of the arguments
He's a very good dad and provider in all other aspects so I feel like I'll be the one labelled as the one who broke the family up for no reason
He's a ' salt of the earth' guy according to everyone around
But we are both miserable.....
I wish he'd cheat and I'd have an excuse to leave

Having been a child whose parents stayed together in an utterly miserable and combatative marriage for "the sake of the children", only 2 words. Please don't.

You don’t need an excuse. You’re unhappy in your marriage. He doesn’t need to cheat. Neither do you. You get one life stop wasting it with him. And do your kids a favour!

He's not a good dad and you won't be breaking up the family for no reason.

You'll be breaking up the family so that your sons learn that it's not acceptable to treat their partner the way your husband treats you and your daughters learn that it's not OK to be treated the way your husband treats you.

Speaking to you like that is an excuse to leave. He is not a great dad if he talks to you like that in front of your kids.

If he talks to the mother of his children like that in front of them, then he really is not a good dad. My parents had a horrible relationship and even though I'm now in my 60's I realise how much of my life it affected. Staying together for the children is a bitter irony.

So calling you a cunt and a bitch in front of your kids isn't reason enough?
I hope you're saving up for their therapy.

Sorry, I've voted YABU even though I think he behaved badly.

You clearly dislike each other, you're both miserable. You don't respect each other. You're not doing anyone any favours by staying together.

You are choosing to stay in this miserable relationship, and that makes me lose most of my sympathy I'm afraid.

Wow op you don’t ever need a reason to leave an unhappy marriage.

being unhappy is reason enough to leave and that sort of behaviour from your husband is a solid reminder to you of why you want to separate.

don’t sugar coat the fact he’s just verbally abused you in front of your children so what’s keeping you there?

the children really don’t need to grow up in what I’m sure must be a tense atmosphere all the time and will be even more so now

please please don’t continue with the current sotuation

you need to teach your children about boundaries and what isn’t acceptable in a marriage and verbal abuse in front of them is definitely not acceptable.

Good dads don't call the mother of their children a cunt and bitch. At all, let alone in front of their children.

How can you prefer to be treated like that than take the risk that someone somewhere could perhaps think badly of you for endingyyour marriage? Please protect your children from any more of this misery.

Don't use your kids as an excuse to stay in a shitty but familiar relationship, OP. And never tell them that's the reason you stayed, it's so unfair to make kids feel responsible for your adult choices.

I never comment on threads like this OP, but you are fooling yourself by saying you are staying together for the sake of the children. They must be absolutely miserable hearing their father call you such awful names, it’s totally, totally vile. And if you really believe everyone thinks he’s the sale of the earth, you’ll be in for a shock when you do eventually leave. This isn’t just a marriage that’s run its course or not “on great terms”, there sounds like hatred in how he spoke to you.

what he said was not on at all

however, your comment was quite undermining and patronising don’t you think?

how do you know the kids didn’t want to go? Why tell him to go and spend time alone exploring when that’s what holidays are for? why shouldn’t they go and explore the culture? my kids wouldn’t exactly volunteer either but I don’t pay to travel to new cities so they can sit in their ass either!

I've just tried to imagine how I would have felt if my dad had spoken to my mum like that when I was a teenager. Wow. That's horrendous.

And people say they stay for the kids when in reality plenty miserable childless couples stay together too!

They are all simply afraid of the changes and upheaval (rightly so)

He is not a good dad he called you names in front of your kids, he disrespected you and made everyone feel uncomfortable and bloody awful.
You just need to leave - my DHs parents stayed together ‘for the kids’ and he just wished they would separate.

I can never understand why people think staying in marriages like this is ever in the best interests for the child. All you're doing to your children is normalising verbally abusive behaviour as acceptable and ensuring they grow up in a miserable and unhappy household which will no doubt have consequences down the line for them in terms of their relationship with yourselves and of their own mental health. I've had a few friends who parents divorced when they were adults after "staying together for the kids". Not one of them was thankful to their parents and each one said they had wished they had split up earlier

He is wrong to call you that, but neither of you are modeling healty relationships to your DC. He knows you don't want him, yet you were happy enough to go on holiday with him and you say it was a great holiday. So if it was a great holiday why on the last night did you make it sound as though the holiday was all about what he wanted , not what anyone else wanted. If my partner said that to me after what I had thought was a good holiday enjoyed by all I would be pretty upset. That doesn't excuse his choice of words but it doesn't reflect well on you either.

My parents ‘stayed together for the kids’ and it was miserable. Of course we knew they were unhappy and it was just awful.

How low is your bar if calling you a cunt in front of the kids isn’t enough to leave?