To cut these people out of my life?

[MangaMoo]

We have had a malicious report made to social services by family members making a sexual allegation about our 7 year old. Luckily SS saw this as the ridiculous and malicious allegation that it was but I can’t bring myself to have anything to do with the people who made this report now. I feel that if they can say things like this so sick and twisted they are a danger to my family. However, I am struggling with this decision a little too as they were people that I cared about and do have a strong belief in family and they are family too but I just can’t put my children at risk of any further such sick allegations- would you all do the same? Any thoughts or advice appreciated.

Many years ago you decided to get involved with a man with two very small children. You must have realised at some point before having number 1 with this guy that the BM was unstable and difficult and services were very involved with the family?
This feels like the bit where you lay in the bed you’ve made. You made a life with these people, knowingly. Why?
At some point you have to reintegrate I would think. DH can’t spend two nights a week with his parents for years on end.

If I were the BM of both then I would be able to give a reasonable input in to the situation whereas their BM who is their biggest influence is definitely not being reasonable!!

Maybe so and I would be happier to reinterpret if I felt that there was any understanding that this was unfair, unreasonable and inappropriate actions to take on a small child for what amounts to petty jealousy

I do hugely sympathise with you don’t get me wrong and it’s a really tough situation.

I wonder how much your DS is reacting to your distress over it since he can’t possibly understand much about SA or SS at his age.

Either way, high levels of supervision and frank conversations are needed but I wouldn’t want you to alienate your step children entirely and punish them for the actions of their mother with losing their relationship with your son who I’m sure they love very much. It’s an unjust punishment in my opinion.

But absolutely put boundaries in place and keep a very very close eye on things!

I've no time for "But they're family"
Just because you're related doesn't make them nice people.

Just to add context too, although again I am drip feeding I guess but it’s hard to get all the massive years of background info in to one message but BM and SC2 both have a history of making false allegations. DH had a very high conflict divorce due to BM making extensive false allegations against him to multiple agencies including police, hence we are all extremely wary.

These poor children need help. Whilst I 💯 agree that keeping them separate from your child is best for now, I don’t see that as a long term solution.
Is there SS involvement? Is the mother actually fit to parent them?

Social services have been involved with BM on and off since her childhood and through most of her motherhood journey, however they have recently closed as there have been no major events recently. IMO no she is not fit but services are happy enough - the threshold for removing children is high and most of the mistreatment is emotional and manipulation so hard to quantify and hard to clearly evidence.

I see MN really has not changed of the last decade plus with venomous attacks on step mums. The level of downright stupid replies is very much as expected.

I’ve clicked YABU - to even consider those malicious lie making up people as family. I’d keep my kids as far away from them as possible

What a horrendous experience, I’m so sorry OP 💐

You follow the advice you’ve been given, and you listen to your gut, and you keep your children safe. DH seriously needs to watch his back as it sounds like malicious accusations are longstanding and will continue. He needs to be very careful for himself and his parents.

And if you were their mother what would your input be?

This is a pretty ridiculous and pointless question to be honest - I am not BM and if you have stepkids you will know that SC do not always behave like BC as they are brought up in a different household with different values and standards. Also they would be unlikely to turn on their own sibling in such a manner if not SC. And there would be no external negative influence from BM with MH issues if I was their BM. This whole situation would be entirely different. I have 5 children and none of them would do something like this, especially not to each other. So in all honesty if I was BM then I highly doubt that this post would even exist.

Oh absolutely!!
Always find it with as these posts the 'how evil, selfish and horrible are you!! WHY ARE YOU NOT THINKING OF THE CHILDREN!!!'
Posters seem to forget that the ops children, are children too!
Absolutely horrible situation for you and 7yo, @MangaMoo I would not be wanting for either me or my child to be in their presence again.
12 and 13 is more than capable of understanding they are lying and the vindictiveness of these lies.

@MangaMoo what did step children not get their own way about?? sorry, just want to see the severity of the tit for tat!

@MangaMoo do they know that what they said to ss about your child was a lie and had nothing to do with them getting their own way, as tit for tat?? even at 12 and 13 they know they should not be lying and taking it out on younger children! I take it ex and dh did not have an amicable split? did she want to stay with your dh?

My little boy did playfully tap SC1 (13) on the bum as they were playing tag. However, they have said this is sexual and predatory as they did not feel that my DH told him off enough as he told them he is only 7 and still learning. They felt he should have been punished for it and because he just got a telling they went home and told BM and then contacted SS.

They often played with him nicely and we thought they had a good relationship although SC are often jealous of my DC as dad is here all the time but we thought we were working with this. All was fine until they went home and spoke to BM and then things have been hyped up and twisted. BM is very toxic. Their split was not amicable. DH filed for divorce from her and then 2 weeks later she went to the police with a whole host of false allegations about him which took 2 years for a very slow police investigation of numerous devices and interviews and eventually all proven as lies but in that time she had done a lot of psychological damage to the kids with things they have “overheard” being discussed about him, involving her lies. He is a great dad but SC love him but do not respect him based on her input.

If a 12 year old genuinely thought the right reaction to a 7 year old slapping her bum during a game was to call social services and report them for sexual abuse, they have some serious issues.

The correct course of action would be to sit the 7 year old down and talk to them about bodily autonomy and why as a boy, you don’t touch anyone without their consent and there are parts of a girl you don’t touch in a consensual game of tag. The 12 year old was maybe sulking because she wasn’t being understood or listened to and that’s ok, but a report to Social Services is beyond ridiculous.

Separating the children for a while isn’t a problem. Dad rebuilding his relationship with them is the right thing to do. I would suggest OP goes along on those visits from time to time, as it is important they feel she is open to rebuilding a relationship too.

This is an entirely different situation. These children aren’t the OP’s biological children and as such she doesn’t have the same role in dealing with this issue. If they were her own children, she is their mother and can insist on the appropriate course of action.

If they were her biological children, she could implement rules and boundaries to protect her other children, and deliver consequences if they broke them. As a step-mum it is much harder to do that.

When we hear stories about a step mum who is concerned about the actions and behaviour of their step child they are told it’s between dad and mum and they should butt out. This is the same situation, it is up to dad to sort his children in this situation, and for him to also work on what is causing the rift between their mum and his wife.

@MangaMoo I feel that the sc may be lost as children and most likely lost in the future as adults too! definitely gone overboard about telling lies to sc and idiotic ex making a huge mountain out of this. she is the bigger danger to everyone's future happiness! I would obviously follow the ss rules but might go further and not allow them in the same room alone as your dc! cannot trust sc!

Run a mile from them - put your immediate family first.

I guess I find it hard to understand why this is a question - you have been betrayed

OP, I've been in your position. Malicious allegations to SS from a "family" member. In my case it one of my own parents (seriously). Was alleging that I beat my child, pin them down to the floor, and neglect. All was total lies and thankfully SS saw through it. So did the pre-school. Initially the allegations were made to the pre-school but they quickly found them baseless and told me they're happy that I'm a good parents whose child is clearly very well looked after and loved. They rejected the allegations as malicious. This obviously angered my "parent" (who isn't used to having their authority or side of things questioned). Parent then made same allegations to SS. The allegations were so spiteful that the SS worker who initially contacted me was a jilted partner or scorned (and vengeful) ex. The sad truth was that it was my parent. This person had disliked me for years (blamed me for all sorts, generally trying to make me feel guilty for their problems - none of which were even anything to do with me). They had been disowned by one of my siblings for being spiteful years earlier. Sibling tried to warn me what parent was like.
SS visited me at home after initially making phone contact. The lady was absolutely lovely and very objective. She said she's well-experienced enough to see through malicious allegations and totally rejected the claim that my child was being abused/neglected. She even told me she'd been out to visit my child are pre-school (unknown to me at the time), and had a chat with them over games. Child spoke very highly of me and was nothing but positive, happy and presented as totally healthy and loved.
SS actually asked me WHY I was allowing my parent to have any further contact with my child. I said only because relationship already established between them, child loves this person etc. TBH, if my circumstances allowed it (unfortunately they didn't) I would have totally relocated and never saw parent again. It makes me so sick to put on a front for child's sake. Parent denied making the allegations, even though 2 people from different places (pre school and SS) had both told me.
I told parent I'm no longer their daughter and want no relationship with them but would be civil/polite for child's sake. Parent has acted like nothing ever happened, carried on sending things like Christmas cards, birthday cards with messages like "love from...". They no longer get cards or gifts from me. Just from my child.

This sounds awful! Thank you for sharing - at least I know am not alone with toxic family members

Do you think I was suggesting that making a report to social services is ok? Could you perhaps copy and paste the part that I wrote which made you think this?