To cut these people out of my life?

[MangaMoo]

We have had a malicious report made to social services by family members making a sexual allegation about our 7 year old. Luckily SS saw this as the ridiculous and malicious allegation that it was but I can’t bring myself to have anything to do with the people who made this report now. I feel that if they can say things like this so sick and twisted they are a danger to my family. However, I am struggling with this decision a little too as they were people that I cared about and do have a strong belief in family and they are family too but I just can’t put my children at risk of any further such sick allegations- would you all do the same? Any thoughts or advice appreciated.

I would keep that text message and any others (sure you are, anyway.)
You might need them if anything like this happens again.
And can I just send you a hug. This must have been the most awful experience for you.

Firstly, you must, of course, do everything possible to protect your child.

As older teenagers, your step children would have understood the consequences of an allegation of child sexual abuse and the possibility that your child would have been removed from your care. The fact that their mother was pushing them to make the allegation is absolutely no excuse, nor is their mother's mental health. I really would find it very difficult to either understand or forgive them. If cutting them out of your life is the only way to protect your child, then that's what I would do. What does your husband have to say?

I would have absolutely nothing to do with them.

DH is on exactly the same page luckily enough. He is upset and embarrassed about what his children have done. They are still his kids and he loves them but is struggling to understand or forgive why they have done this. He will still have contact with them but at his parents house not ours to protect our DC. Makes it difficult all round but seems the only way forward as can’t put any risk like this around our kids. Ultimately, this situation is not of our doing so can only decide our response going forward.

@MangaMoo What did sc accuse your dc of doing??? how do the sc put your dc in danger??

They are accusing my 7 year old DC of sexually inappropriate behaviour. I think that most of us know that 7 year olds don’t do anything in a sexually predatory manner given their age. He is a completely innocent child and knows nothing about sex and has exemplary behaviour including at school etc so luckily the allegation was seen as preposterous as it was.

The SC put the DC at risk if they are making false allegations to social services. Would you put your children in this position?

also, highly inappropriate to make sexual claims about 7 year old children- not sure I want people who think like this around them

I would get DH to have a full and frank conversation that this is absolutely not acceptable nor can ever be repeated.

But I would also bear in mind that they’re just children, likely under pressure from their mother and maybe did not fully understand the potential destructiveness of their actions.

If you think they’re under their mother’s control to their detriment then isolating them from you, a potential positive influence, may not be the best thing for them.

If the apple just didn’t fall far from the tree and they’re old, smart and manipulative enough that you think they knew full well what they were doing then cut them off entirely, they sound dangerous

goodness me!! the sc are sick as is the ex??? has dh spoken to his dc since this happened about why they did this??? how old are sc??

The SC are 12 and 13 so still children but also old enough to understand this is wrong. They have a hugely negative influence from BM but BM has also threatened that she will keep making reports like this if there is anything at all that she doesn’t like - this report came from 13 year old SC having a sulk that 7 year old DC smacked her bum once while they were playing tag. We spoke to them and told DC not to smack and all played nicely until they went home the next day and BM was told and then this all got made sexual and she contacted services

She has made it clear that she is looking to cause trouble for you and will use her children to do so. Best to keep the kids separate and you can keep a safe distance at least until things change. One today the step children might realise the batshittery or they become another version of their mum.

When you said they were older teenage step children, 12 and 13 is not what I pictured.

Just as you spoke to your child about what they had done, can you not give it a little time and then sit down with the 12 and 13 year old and get DH to lead a discussion about why their complaint to SS caused such an issue in the family?

I know it’s clear to you that they are being manipulated by their mother, but at 12 and 13, they may not fully understand this. Perhaps even contact a family therapist first about how to go about this conversation, without it being accusatory, you want a conciliatory vibe. I’d suggest doing this with the counsellor, but I’m guessing the ex wife wouldn’t agree.

if the conversation goes well, then maybe start over, with some joint family outings with all children, before having the 12 and 13 year old back to your home.

while I understand wanting to cut them out for this, at 12 and 13, while being manipulated is a lot different to them being 18 and 19 and doing the same thing. They really are still children. As they come into their teen years, they’re not just navigating the usual teen hormones and rebellion, but a split family, now split even further.

While it won’t be easy, as adults, that’s where you have to be their role models for healthy relationships. I think long term though, losing contact with their half sibling and less contact with their father is a very big deal, for something where you know that these children were manipulated.

Definitely! Their dad can visit his parents and his DC to keep contact but I wouldn't have them in my home, or visit in a prearranged location outside.Walking on eggshells and wondering when the next false allegation was going to be fired in my direction is not something I want to live with

The phrase older was in relation to older than my children - sorry if confusing

I think I would feel more reassured if I knew that they were remorseful or understood how wrong this is. As it is they see it as perfectly acceptable as they didn’t get their way and they have been involved in services for many years with mum’s MH so they don’t see it as so much of an issue. Mum has also made it clear that she will continue to make reports and I just feel that this then puts my children at risk to be around them. At what point are you comfortable to risk your child being exposed to this sort of thing? I don’t want to completely cut contact, hence asking the original question but can’t see a comfortable way forward without risking the kids

Your Hs children are children. And if they've made an allegation like this against a 7 year old, they sound extremely messed up children. It's really not on for your H to decide he's so upset he doesn't really want anything to do with them either. He's their dad, they are clearly in trouble, and he needs to step up, fully involve himself and try to help them. Its not good enough to wring his hands and blame his 'crazy ex' when if she's that unstable, those children are at risk. As far as you're concerned your priority is rightly your own child and you are entitled and right to keep them away from SC while this is ongoing. Your H could assist you greatly in this by sorting out contact arrangements with him only.

I have clearly said that DH IS still having contact with them, just at his parents house. It is myself and the children that are staying clear of this to protect the younger children, he will still have contact with them as they are his children.

Tbh yabu for the huge drip feed.

And yabu, you cannot cut your step children out of your life. At 12 and 13, they are children and are not responsible for contacting social services. You married a man who already had children, they are your family.

The kids mother, however, has behaved appallingly and you do not have to ever have a relationship with her.

There are some people who have social services on speed dial. Usually they are involved with social services themselves.

I'd keep on having the kids over, as per the agreed childcare arrangements, and work on your family unit.

You and dh need to be strong, and clear that you are all a family, his kids as much as yours together, and that contacting the social services because they couldn't get their own way (presumably on something trivial, you haven't yet said) isn't how a family behaves.

You and their mum may not get along, but you are responsible for them when they're in your home and they need to behave accordingly.

Services themselves have advised that we keep the kids separate, at least for the time being and we have signed off on a safety plan for that for at least the next few months.

Apologies for the “drip feed” but there is a lot of information and didn’t necessarily want to post all of it if not relevant but have responded to questions asked if info is relevant for people.

Also, just to be clear, I have no problem in myself being around the SC although am upset at what they have done. My main concern is that I am risking my kids being reported to SS again and again and again given the messages we have received and I do not feel comfortable to put my kids at risk.

You’re talking in such an emotionally reactive and immature way about children. Perhaps the 12 year old felt genuinely upset about what happened and genuinely thought she was doing the right thing. She’s a child and needs parenting appropriately not these immature reactions. Tbh I think your husband would be better separating from you and keeping his children far from you.

So you would be happy with this treatment for your child? And expose them to this again?

If the 12 and 13 year old were your biological children, you wouldn’t kick them out over this if they were influenced or manipulated by an adult aunt or cousin or something.

Its just going to cause more issues in the future if you cease contact because they will get confirmation of their status as second priority to their dad’s “new family”.

What people are suggesting is that you focus your anger and frustration on their mum where it is totally valid but recognise two children’s actions as those of confused, scared, manipulated, immature children and not malicious, life destroying, calculating people.

Ok so if this was your 12 your old child who had mistreated your 7 year old child. What would you do, put them up for adoption? Or treat them like a child who made a mistake and needs to have things explained to them, who perhaps needs to be listened to and understood? Which tact would you take in the scenario where you were the birth mother of both?

Yabvu girl.

Oh I do recognise that mum is the issue. 100%!! And yes they are children. If was just me then it would be fine, but my DC was traumatised by the visit from services and made to feel very uncomfortable and upset. I am unwilling to place my children at risk again and that is my concern.