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Original poster

Grandparents favouring other grandchildren

36 replies

RoseHiker · 21/05/2025 10:12

Live close to grandparents. Have 3 kids one being 5 months old. Ask them to visit but they don't and visit other grandchildren. Feeling hurt. Am I being unreasonable? Don't want them to visit to look after the children. I just want them to have a good relationship with the children.

OP posts:
Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 21/05/2025 10:19

Ils, sil and us lived within 3 streets of each other.. Ils seriously favoured sil's dc... Tried to 'have it out' with ils. We were allocated 2 hour slots per week where sil wouldn't be there...
She would flounce out as we went in. My dc never had more than a biscuit and drink there.. Sil's had holidays and a static caravan bought. I learned not to care. Left all birthday /gift giving to dh... Never made much effort after that 'chat' tbh.

Less you have to share your dc imo. It really is ils loss.

Your dc don't need uninterested people in their lives...

takehimjolene · 21/05/2025 10:42

My paternal grandparents always favoured by cousins in a similar way. If we visited we not allowed to play with the piles of toys etc that they had for cousins, or to have any of the nice drinks/biscuits etc that they kept in for cousins. We were expected to sit quietly and were ushered out if cousins happened to visit at the same time. At birthdays/Xmas etc cousins were lavished with expensive presents and we were lucky if we got a book or a pound in a card. They would never visit us unless my aunt and cousins were also invited as apparently that would no be fair on them. I remember noticing it even as a small child (especially when I was told off for touching cousins toys that they told me were special presents from them to her) and not understanding why. I wish my parents had called them out on it openly and made it clear that it was not my fault and not OK. I can see why my Dad didn't want to cut off his family but I think it would have been better for us if he had told them that we wouldn't be seeing them if they treated us a second class. I firmly believe that it is important for children to see that it's perfectly acceptable to insist on being treated well, even by family. As an adult, I chose to have no relationship with these grandparents and have no regrets about that.

GoldieFish · 21/05/2025 10:45

Take the other grandchildren out of the equation. Do your children see as much of their grandparents as you would like? If not, can you help things along by going to visit them?

Original poster
RoseHiker · 21/05/2025 11:48

We do visit them

OP posts:
fruitandvegoverload · 21/05/2025 11:54

My MIL did this. Now she's in a care home and we visit her very rarely and don't feel any guilt about it. Her precious favourites can do all the visiting for all I care.

Hoppinggreen · 21/05/2025 12:00

You will have to learn not to care, tacking it never ends well.
Your DC will vote with their feet as they get older

CagneyNYPD1 · 21/05/2025 13:20

My grandmother was like this when we were young. Favoured our younger cousins over us in every single way. I was aware of it from about the age of 8 as it ramped up after our gf died.

From the age of 18 onwards, I had no real relationship with the woman. When she was old and frail, I did none of the running around. I felt nothing but relief when she passed. You reap what you sow.

@RoseHikeraccept the situation for what it is. Keep your dc away from it as much as possible. Drop the rope.

romdowa · 21/05/2025 13:25

My own mother wouldn't come a 5 minute drive or clean her house so she could see my son. Some grandparents are just lazy , they are usually people who were also shit parents.

Meadowfinch · 21/05/2025 13:36

Is there an obvious reason why?

Easier travel? Or parking? More space to stay? Pets? Similar food tastes?

Can you find anything that your older two have in common or can share with their gran? O meet her out somewhere?

ThejoyofNC · 21/05/2025 13:42

My MIL does this. She could tell you every little detail about her other grandkids but doesn't know the first thing about my DC. I leave it all up to DH now and don't take them to see her.

5128gap · 21/05/2025 13:46

This is usually something that comes down the generations, starting with the grandparent having a closer relationship with one of their own DC than the other. Often (not always, but often enough for it to be a pattern) its their adult daughter, with relationships with adult sons being more distant. This inevitably leads to them having a closer more involved relationship with that DCs own children. I think its very hard to resolve, as it takes effort on the part of the GP to consciously equalise the relationship with the less close children, and many don't recognise the issue, or refuse to accept it is one. I honestly think all you can do is try to resign yourself and lower your expectations, accepting the relationship for what it is. Hopefully your DC have other people in their lives who make them a priority.

mrsm43s · 21/05/2025 14:04

RoseHiker · 21/05/2025 11:48

We do visit them

Do the other grandchildren visit them?

Is it a case that they see the other grandchildren overall more than they see your children, or is it just a case that they have to visit the other grandchildren if they want to see them, and actually they see all grandchildren equally since yours visit them.

TheYouYouAre · 21/05/2025 14:14

5128gap · 21/05/2025 13:46

This is usually something that comes down the generations, starting with the grandparent having a closer relationship with one of their own DC than the other. Often (not always, but often enough for it to be a pattern) its their adult daughter, with relationships with adult sons being more distant. This inevitably leads to them having a closer more involved relationship with that DCs own children. I think its very hard to resolve, as it takes effort on the part of the GP to consciously equalise the relationship with the less close children, and many don't recognise the issue, or refuse to accept it is one. I honestly think all you can do is try to resign yourself and lower your expectations, accepting the relationship for what it is. Hopefully your DC have other people in their lives who make them a priority.

This exactly. Lower expectations and protect your children. Trying to address it often fails, and is met with resistance and a worsening of the situation.

BarneyRonson · 21/05/2025 14:20

You can’t force people to like your children or you. It isn’t ‘unfair’ of people to not feel like seeing you. Some people click, others don’t.

thepariscrimefiles · 21/05/2025 14:24

RoseHiker · 21/05/2025 11:48

We do visit them

Are these your parents or your in-laws? If they are your parents, could you speak to them about it and ask why they don't want to visit.

Do you have another set of grandparents who do visit you and your children?

thepariscrimefiles · 21/05/2025 14:26

BarneyRonson · 21/05/2025 14:20

You can’t force people to like your children or you. It isn’t ‘unfair’ of people to not feel like seeing you. Some people click, others don’t.

It does make them absolutely shit grandparents though. If a grandparent came on here and said that they didn't 'click' with their newborn grandchild so didn't want to visit, they would get a very negative response, and rightly so.

Beamur · 21/05/2025 14:31

It's just the way it goes sometimes. It's unlikely anything you say will change it. Be open with your kids.
My DD was the favourite (and only 😂) grandchild to my Mum but not particularly favoured by my PIL.
Have a relationship on your own terms - kids see unfairness very early on. My DD is sanguine about her (now deceased) GP's. Bit regretful that they didn't have a better relationship but accepts it's not her fault.

financialmuddle · 21/05/2025 14:32

That is horrendous, @takehimjolene. I'm sorry you had to experience all that.

Justhereforthis · 21/05/2025 15:27

I wish I knew the answer! We had similar with one set of parents/grandparents. We tried everything over the years but nothing stuck. For the sake of harmony and with eternal optimism that things may get better, we settled in to polite visits, taking the crumbs they offered whilst building (and maintaining) loving relationships with other family members.

There have been no winners. As adults, the favoured grandchildren see very little of their elderly and desperately lonely grandparents, whilst mine have no interest in getting to know the ‘disinterested, virtual strangers they happen to be related to’ (my DC words).

Whilst they would never fully admit to it, I can see how bitterly they regret their choices but the time has passed.

Fancycheese · 21/05/2025 15:31

BarneyRonson · 21/05/2025 14:20

You can’t force people to like your children or you. It isn’t ‘unfair’ of people to not feel like seeing you. Some people click, others don’t.

It’s not a co-worker, it’s a grandparent and grandchild! What an odd comment.

Ive had a similar experience OP. I just try to let it wash over me, take it as it comes and protect the DC. I try to make the time DC do see the grandparents fun and don’t get hung up on it. It does sometimes bother my DH, but I don’t think you can force people to be in their grandkids lives.

Pleaseshutthefuckup · 21/05/2025 15:33

There are no excuses here. Lets say you have difficult children - I'm still not buying it.

Unfortunately, many families are incredibly dysfunctional and it can take a lifetime to realise. Toxic mothers seem to head these families most often. They will favour, triangulate and manipulate and you probably don't fully realise what is going on here or problems throughout the relationship that you thought were normal.

You really need to distance and find comfort elsewhere. I would try not discuss this with the siblings. There will be lying and shit stirring potentially in your family.

Mylegishangingoff · 21/05/2025 15:35

I think this is really common. As kids we weren't the preferred grandchildren with my dad's parents.

My kids now aren't the preferred grandchildren with their dad's mum. I put in so much effort with her when they were young, I let so much slide like giving my son his first haircut without telling us(she took his hair from shoulder length to a really, really short cut!) for instance, kept my trap shut at any criticisms of my parenting etc but it has always been obvious that she favours her dds children. My kids are teens/almost adults now and vote with their feet. They haven't seen her since before Christmas, she is reaping what she sowed and she is the one missing out on 2 fabulous humans.

JustMarriedBecca · 21/05/2025 18:51

Similar experience here when mine were younger with SILs kids and MIL. Just facilitated contact and hoped it would improve.

As it now happens, DC have lots of shared interests with MIL and she's making up for lost time with lots of one on one time and holidays together (with each child respectively). It improved from about age 8-9 I think.

Original poster
RoseHiker · 22/05/2025 10:43

Other grandchildren visit also I forgot to mention. Thanks for your replies. I feel better and going to accept the situation for what it is :(

OP posts:
Codlingmoths · 22/05/2025 10:47

BarneyRonson · 21/05/2025 14:20

You can’t force people to like your children or you. It isn’t ‘unfair’ of people to not feel like seeing you. Some people click, others don’t.

Their youngest grandchild is 5mo. If they haven’t ‘clicked’ with them then by definition they are shitty people. Is that what you meant?