Partner moans / isn’t giving me money

[Mumtobe888]

Hello, just want some opinions on this situation, if I’m being silly or not.
So I’m currently on maternity leave, four months in so I’m on half my pay.
My partner sent me £800 at the beginning of the month and this was all spent on bills and my wage paid the rent (995).
I have asked several times for money for shopping, petrol etc and he just won’t give me any? He keeps saying im going to waste it, I had to buy nappies, wipes and milk today and had to use my credit card.
He has money left over after giving me £800 but I get my wage and it’s spent literally the next day for our rent.
I told him I’ll go back to work early as I don’t want to be without money and he said I’m a pathetic mother if that’s all I care about and I’m blackmailing him into giving me money by threatening to send our daughter to the childminders early (her brother already goes there so feel comfortable her going).
I just feel like a child asking for pocket money almost and not an adult.
he said when he gets paid again he will give me some money, but I can see he has some cash in his wallet which he has took to hiding the past few nights, obviously worried I’ll help myself after moaning so much.
when I brought it up again today he just said don’t start this again and didn’t want to know. Our relationship has been far from perfect and since having my daughter four months ago he hasn’t helped with her at all.
hes never changed her nappy, never got up with her in the night (he co sleeps with our son), never washed or made a bottle. When I say this he just says I’m at work from 6am till 5pm when do I have time, but the days he is home early or home at the weekend he still doesn’t do anything for her?
I just feel really shitty, I don’t think he appreciates anything I do and at work I felt appreciated if that makes sense. Obviously I love my children and spending time with them, but I have no help 6 days a week and it’s been a lot.
when my LO was only a month old I called him crying becuase I was so overwhelmed and he told me not to stress him out at work.
I think perhaps I’m making this sound worse than it is, but just feeling down about it and don’t know who to talk too.

It’s worse than you are making it sound. He’s abusive. You will be better off in every way without him. Why is the rent your responsibility?

This is abuse. Financial and emotional abuse.

You and your children deserve better.

Wow. Why are you with him? There would have been signs of this behaviour before but you still continued.

Totally abusive. Personally I'd stop paying the rent and use it for what your DD needs, but I'm petty like that.

Did I read that right? You're paying all the rent? Why?

What was it like with your son her brother?
Why isn't there a joint account for nappies etc?

Get out. And for the love of god make sure you are using contraception right now.

Just, get out.

Just stop paying the rent and tell him he has to pay it, that’s £200 more in your pocket.

Oh god, just leave.

It’s not your fault at all, but you’ll just spend years banging your head against a brick wall. Please leave now before your daughter picks up on the toxicity.

What were the £800 bills? Were they all household/joint essential expenses? What does he expect you to buy groceries with? Is he aware how much food costs nowadays?
This aside, he doesn't sound very supportive, it's (almost) control.

Been there, done that.

1. she’ll be the guarantor
2. even if they’re co, it’s in the female instinct to not risk the roof over your head.

to clarify, I pay the rent and he pays for all of the bills (the £800) but he also pays for Sky from his account, so I believe it works out we pay the same.
@cestlavielife - he was much better with our son, I’ve got loads of photos of them together but it’s just different this time. He wasn’t the best at nappies, he didn’t do anything for two years at night, it’s only becuase we’ve had another baby he now co sleeps with our son. He never bathed him either, maybe once or twice. But as our son has got older he is much better with him and my son adores him.

You can read about financial abuse here
https://survivingeconomicabuse.org/what-we-do/financial-support-line/

There's a phone line you can call.

You can discuss your relationship (as I'm sure there's a lot more) with Refuge webchat until 10pm (6pm at the weekend) or the National Domestic Abuse helpline 24/7.

He's not going to change, he'll get worse so start making plans.

This is ridiculous @Mumtobe888 Don’t let him gaslight your on this. Weigh up what you both bring to the family…

You > 24/7 care - house - meals - washing - shopping - meal planning - plus £995
Him > £800

How can he justify this, what was the bill and labour split before your DD was born?

If you are paying all the rent is the agreement in your name only?

What a pathetic little piece of shit he is. You've just carried his baby, and he can't even be bothered to look after you, financially or emotionally. He's a shit partner, a shit dad, and a shit human being. Apart from your gorgeous babies, what else are you getting out of this "relationship "?

Who usually buys groceries and child related things?

What discussions did you have about finances when planning this baby and going on mat leave? Why haven’t you just combined everything, and split what’s leftover?

Just leave him. Honestly don’t understand why you had a second but you need to open your eyes and get out.

This fucker isn’t a partner in any way shops if form. He’s a controlling abusive cunt - please think really hard about your kids growing up in an abusive home.

what are you supposed to buy food with? Of course it’s financial abuse. I’d go back to work, and i’d also leave him. Disgusting sorry excuse of a partner.

You need to leave darling. What kind of man can't take care of the woman who gave birth to his child 4 months ago. It will.only get worse.

Disgusting man.

That’s financial abuse and it’s absolutely disgusting. You’re not a child who needs pocket money. You should be a team you have kids together ffs! He needs a reality check. My partner earns literally x6 what I do a month and it all goes in the joint account and everything is paid from that. When I was on maternity leave both times it was the same he says it’s our money and not his.

Please see the using economic abuse, using emotional abuse and using male privilege sections of the wheel to better understand your relationship.

He is an abusive twat. Make sure you are using contaception. Ideally leave him.

They always have a child who adores him.

Biggest red flag going!

What? 🤣