Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think this is too much pressure for a 10 year old

31 replies

Hellothere98989 · 20/05/2025 15:13

My DS plays in a football team, they train twice a week (one weeknight and a Saturday morning) for over an hour each time. Then they always play a match on a Sunday.

Recently I have been getting a bit worried that the pressure seems to be increasing.

For example coach has told them if they are even one minute late for training they will be running extra laps. My DS has missed a few trainings over the last few weeks due to weekend away and celebration for his sister.

He has been told by the coach that he would play better if trained more.

My exh also helps out with the team and he puts pressure on him saying he has missed too many trainings lately.
Ex recently showed my DS a message on the parents Whatsapp group where the coach had said everyone EXCEPT DS was doing a team activity (we couldn't make it as a way). I don't feel like he should be showing him Whatsapp messages.

Not really sure what to do and if I am overreacting

OP posts:
Ddakji · 20/05/2025 15:17

Being part of a team is a commitment. I think it’s a really great life lesson to be part of a competitive team and understanding what that entails
and what it takes to success. Not sure about the WhatsApp message, but basically, is your DS up for it? It will impact on the rest of the family, so both he and you need to be on board, and you both need to understand there will be consequences to missed training etc, and being late.

Ontothenextac · 20/05/2025 15:19

I love it personally

my son’s coach was like this. Truly passionate and committed

the kids thrived, did exceptionally well and worshipped him

Ontothenextac · 20/05/2025 15:19

Sounds like your son is barely there

maybe better to withdraw him

HuffleMyPuffle · 20/05/2025 15:19

It is pretty unfair on the team that your son keeps missing practice

Is he taking up a space on the team someone else could have?

cestlavielife · 20/05/2025 15:26

If he missing sessions he has to expect the consequences. Regardless of why he missing them . His sister can celebrate without him or you arrange with sister so it does not clash with training. Maybe ds needs to join a more relaxed drop in type session where attending does not matter.

TheMumEdit · 20/05/2025 15:28

This is similar to most league teams. I think it’s too much pressure but the same kids miss sessions all the time and it’s a pain. It extra work for those that are there.

VeryQuaintIrene · 20/05/2025 15:31

I don't see why being told by the coach that he would play better if he trained more is unfair pressure in any way whatsoever. We all have priorities and if this team isn't your son's, that's completely fine but you can't expect the coach not to make it his priority and speak and act accordingly.

GreenWheat · 20/05/2025 15:32

I think it depends on the level of the team. If it's a selective team playing in a particular ability division in a youth league, then it's fair enough to expect commitment. If it's a less competitive level then it's way OTT.

Ontothenextac · 20/05/2025 15:32

VeryQuaintIrene · 20/05/2025 15:31

I don't see why being told by the coach that he would play better if he trained more is unfair pressure in any way whatsoever. We all have priorities and if this team isn't your son's, that's completely fine but you can't expect the coach not to make it his priority and speak and act accordingly.

It isn’t unfair and makes me feel sorry for these volunteer coaches putting up with parents like this

LeedsZebra90 · 20/05/2025 15:35

There are very different types of teams - maybe look for something a bit more informal? Neither you/your son or the coach are in the wrong imo, it just doesn't seem a good fit.

Mrsttcno1 · 20/05/2025 15:38

Well he’s right, he would be better if he showed up to training consistently- that’s the whole point of having the training.

Unbeleevable · 20/05/2025 15:39

I think Yabu. If he’s missing a lot of training then of course he’s falling behind and it’s not pressure, it’s just the level of commitment expected for that club.

Swimming and football and gymnastics all seem nuts even at quite a low level - because to be a star, you have to maximise your potential early on. After a certain point in time it becomes obvious your kid won’t “make it” and then they are able to join at a more casual level or just give up the club.

Probably there are less intensive clubs but j doubt your ex will let him swap club as presumably it’s some kind of wish-fulfilment for him to see his son trying to be a super player.

PurpleThistle7 · 20/05/2025 15:39

My son is 8 and plays football - similar schedule, 1.5 hours training twice a week and a game somewhere ridiculously annoying every Sunday morning. His coach does and should say things like this - it's a team sport and everyone needs to participate. He would indeed be better if he was around more often.

PurpleThistle7 · 20/05/2025 15:40

And to be clear my son is actually not great at football and his team is not competitive - it's a community club where they split into 3 separate teams based on ability and he's team 3. However he still has committed to play and to do his best and to show up for his teammates so it's his responsibility to be at training (which of course means it's our responsibility to get him there!)

40andlovelife · 20/05/2025 15:40

I don’t see the issue. The coach is correct. He would play better if he trained more, that’s common sense.

My son plays football. If the kids are late they do push ups. If they are rude they do extra laps. He also does boxing. He will not be late as he knows the coach will make him do extra burpees.

I for one am glad the coaches are focussing on timekeeping and attitude. Both very important qualities within sport.

PansyPottering · 20/05/2025 15:40

He needs to find a team that is more keeping with the commitment you are willing to make.

He’s ten, that’s old enough to understand that if you join a team, you are in the team! You train, you play.

He has been told by his coach that if he trained more he would be better?
That is true though. That’s not pressure.

PurpleThistle7 · 20/05/2025 15:42

The only question is really for your son - does he want to do this? If so you need to find a way to make it work or tell him he needs to stop if you can't. If your son is struggling and not enjoying it then he should quit. If you are not making it a priority you need to find a way to engage with it properly (sharing lifts with parents? Can your ex bring him?)

Snorlaxo · 20/05/2025 15:44

It doesn’t sound like he is as serious about football as the rest of the team if he’s regularly missing practice. Time to find a team where things are more gentle and they don’t mind stuff like that.

I would expect a U11 team to be pretty serious. The one minute late comment is fair if the kids walk there (they will be going to secondary soon where the doors will be closed if they are late) and the coach is fair to say that he’d play better if he trained more. I know it’s not his fault that you go away regularly but it could be time for him to find a sport with less time commitments.

AaaahBlandsHatch · 20/05/2025 16:03

YANBU, but that's the culture of things like this. Parents fulfilling their fantasies and coaches bringing out their inner Alex Ferguson.

Why not just run training sessions for everyone, and then on match days just pick the most commited/best players, so the whole thing works itself out? That way you also don't get 10 year old kids missing out on perfectly normal everyday childhood experiences like your sister's birthday party or seeing your auntie who's visiting from away, for fear of getting guilt tripped and shouted at by grown men on power trips.

Oh no, of course you can't do that, you can't treat it like an enjoyable hobby because that destroys dad's dream of a PL contract if his kid shows enough "commitment". And god help any parent who wants their kid to enjoy their football and lets it slip they couldn't really give a shit which side of 10 year olds wins that week's game.

And what exactly is the point of punishing late arriving 10 year olds who presumably can't control what time their parents drop them at practice?

These people are so weird. I'm so glad I sidestepped all this with my kids (who are doing perfectly well despite me not having them hazed and yelled at by adults to build character). Good luck extracting yourself OP, I don't fancy your chances though if your ex is one of them.

Ontothenextac · 20/05/2025 16:04

AaaahBlandsHatch · 20/05/2025 16:03

YANBU, but that's the culture of things like this. Parents fulfilling their fantasies and coaches bringing out their inner Alex Ferguson.

Why not just run training sessions for everyone, and then on match days just pick the most commited/best players, so the whole thing works itself out? That way you also don't get 10 year old kids missing out on perfectly normal everyday childhood experiences like your sister's birthday party or seeing your auntie who's visiting from away, for fear of getting guilt tripped and shouted at by grown men on power trips.

Oh no, of course you can't do that, you can't treat it like an enjoyable hobby because that destroys dad's dream of a PL contract if his kid shows enough "commitment". And god help any parent who wants their kid to enjoy their football and lets it slip they couldn't really give a shit which side of 10 year olds wins that week's game.

And what exactly is the point of punishing late arriving 10 year olds who presumably can't control what time their parents drop them at practice?

These people are so weird. I'm so glad I sidestepped all this with my kids (who are doing perfectly well despite me not having them hazed and yelled at by adults to build character). Good luck extracting yourself OP, I don't fancy your chances though if your ex is one of them.

Or maybe a volunteer coach
with a group of really enthusiastic and up for it 10 year olds
and he wants to bring out the best in them

tripleginandtonic · 20/05/2025 16:10

At 10 years old they should be able to take that pressure. The main point is does he enjoy the activity?

Nottsandcrosses · 20/05/2025 16:11

You think thats pressure, have a look at gymnastics..

Sports for children are fabulous, they can instill resilience, health and fitness, consequences and boundaries alongside a team spirit.

Alongside that there is pressure, tears & exhaustion.

To be good at anything you need to work at it, that includes the standards that are set within the sport.

Im afraid your going to have to suck it up.

HonoriaBulstrode · 20/05/2025 16:29

I for one am glad the coaches are focussing on timekeeping and attitude. Both very important qualities within sport.

And in life.

Yorkshiremum80 · 20/05/2025 16:31

AaaahBlandsHatch · 20/05/2025 16:03

YANBU, but that's the culture of things like this. Parents fulfilling their fantasies and coaches bringing out their inner Alex Ferguson.

Why not just run training sessions for everyone, and then on match days just pick the most commited/best players, so the whole thing works itself out? That way you also don't get 10 year old kids missing out on perfectly normal everyday childhood experiences like your sister's birthday party or seeing your auntie who's visiting from away, for fear of getting guilt tripped and shouted at by grown men on power trips.

Oh no, of course you can't do that, you can't treat it like an enjoyable hobby because that destroys dad's dream of a PL contract if his kid shows enough "commitment". And god help any parent who wants their kid to enjoy their football and lets it slip they couldn't really give a shit which side of 10 year olds wins that week's game.

And what exactly is the point of punishing late arriving 10 year olds who presumably can't control what time their parents drop them at practice?

These people are so weird. I'm so glad I sidestepped all this with my kids (who are doing perfectly well despite me not having them hazed and yelled at by adults to build character). Good luck extracting yourself OP, I don't fancy your chances though if your ex is one of them.

In my experience, my husband has been a coach for 7 years, the kids all want to play in the match on a Sunday, that's what they train for.
At U11's it can be quite competitive and it's a pain if you have someone on the team who is missing a lot of training as they do fall behind.

Original poster
Hellothere98989 · 20/05/2025 16:35

Thanks all for your comments, definitely given me lots to think about.

I do think it comes down to him not really enjoying it as much as he used to but he would never be able to say that to his dad. Which leaves me in a position of saying I will absolutely be here to take you whenever but also trying to let him know it should be fun and if it's not then maybe it's not for him.

OP posts: