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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Do you make your house spotless before your mum visits?

73 replies

dempsi · 20/05/2025 13:38

I don’t see my mum that often because of distance and I much prefer going to her but she’s coming and she has very high standards for housework and lives in what looks like a show home, even though she works full time and had 4 children she’s always kept her home immaculate, she spends her free time cleaning and tending to the garden.
I like to think my house is ok, I keep it tidy and wipe down the kitchen daily and things but it’s nothing like her impeccable standards.
Shes very vocal about our differences in cleanliness and will immediately gravitate to the garden on arrival to see what I’ve done in the garden, Dh mows the lawn and I keep the weeds at bay but apart from that it’s just a garden I don’t really sit out there so it’s used for drying washing and the children go out there to play sometimes.
I do worry when she comes because she’ll point out that I’ve let the garden go or not been on top of the housework even after I’ve cleaned and cleaned.

I focus more on hoovering, cleaning the kitchen sides, floor and keeping things tidy, she will point out dust behind the telly or on the skirting board behind the table etc which you’d never see in her house.
I love her very much and wish she was less judgy but it’s deep in her nature.
Should I just be myself and try to ignore her disapproval or make my house a show home every-time she visits which I get quite stressed about.
The children love to see her and apart from this we get on very well, I just hate feeling the pressure of trying to get the house spotless before she comes to judge, it spoils what would otherwise be a lovely time.

I find the pressure of her coming makes me procrastinate and feel less motivated than usual, I leave things to the last minute then get in a frazzle because she’s on her way.

OP posts:
MagicalMystical · 20/05/2025 13:41

A big fat yes to being yourself and ignoring her disapproval. 👏

Whaleadthesnail · 20/05/2025 13:41

yes I do and she still somehow finds SOMETHING to pass comment on about my house. Luckily she lives abroad so it doesn't happen often

Mightyhike · 20/05/2025 13:43

No I don't. Luckily we're about equal in terms of tidiness (or lack of!).

WhereIsMyJumper · 20/05/2025 13:44

Nope. My mother is picky too but I just tell her to fuck off if she comments or ignore her

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 20/05/2025 13:44

God no.

She's dead now but when she was alive she'd always turn up and promptly do the washing up, or do a bit of weeding or something.

Yeah, I could have found it a bit insulting but that wasn't what she was going for. She just knew we had busy lives so thought she'd help out a bit.

So yeah, I could have run around like a blue arsed fly cleaning before she showed up, but that would just deprive myself of free labour and mean that she didn't get to feel helpful.

In fairness, I'd also be round hers once every couple of weeks mowing the lawn or trimming the hedges, putting up some shelves or forcibly removing whatever viruses she'd downloaded to the computer this time. So, it all worked out about even in the end

BalladOfBarryAndFreda · 20/05/2025 13:45

No, but I'm a tidier person than she is

FrozzyBrain · 20/05/2025 13:46

No. Life’s too short for the time it takes to achieve an immaculate house.

Mymanyellow · 20/05/2025 13:47

My house is always much more clean and tidy than my mum’s ever was. My mil used to mooch about looking for dirt I very nearly bought fake dog poo to pop in the oven once but chickened out.

irregularegular · 20/05/2025 13:49

I always used to feel I had to, but it was probably more about me than her. Her house was very clean and tidy, but she wouldn't openly judge (not often, anyway!). In fact, when she was alive, when I was deciding which part of the house to tackle, I would think "which bit would I be most embarassed about if my mum saw it!". The house got noticably (to me, anyway) messier once my mum died. It was odd really, as she didn't come very often and really didn't give me a bad time about it. But somehow no-one else's voice in my head had quite the same motivating/shaming effect!

My house isn't even that bad. At all.

2ndbestslayer · 20/05/2025 13:51

Lol, no. Me and my mum have the same view of housework - there is always something more interesting you could be doing.

If you're close to her can you have a conversation with her about it where you tell her how her behaviour is making you feel and ask her to stop?

Alwaysupforarisotto · 20/05/2025 13:52

In through one ear - pass her a duster - out through the other ear. 😁

Sunontheair · 20/05/2025 13:53

I do. Only because I know it winds her up royally that I was a messy kid and teenager, and she hates coming into my house and seeing it always immaculate. I only do it for her though and just for the wind up value

Amy8 · 20/05/2025 13:54

dempsi · 20/05/2025 13:38

I don’t see my mum that often because of distance and I much prefer going to her but she’s coming and she has very high standards for housework and lives in what looks like a show home, even though she works full time and had 4 children she’s always kept her home immaculate, she spends her free time cleaning and tending to the garden.
I like to think my house is ok, I keep it tidy and wipe down the kitchen daily and things but it’s nothing like her impeccable standards.
Shes very vocal about our differences in cleanliness and will immediately gravitate to the garden on arrival to see what I’ve done in the garden, Dh mows the lawn and I keep the weeds at bay but apart from that it’s just a garden I don’t really sit out there so it’s used for drying washing and the children go out there to play sometimes.
I do worry when she comes because she’ll point out that I’ve let the garden go or not been on top of the housework even after I’ve cleaned and cleaned.

I focus more on hoovering, cleaning the kitchen sides, floor and keeping things tidy, she will point out dust behind the telly or on the skirting board behind the table etc which you’d never see in her house.
I love her very much and wish she was less judgy but it’s deep in her nature.
Should I just be myself and try to ignore her disapproval or make my house a show home every-time she visits which I get quite stressed about.
The children love to see her and apart from this we get on very well, I just hate feeling the pressure of trying to get the house spotless before she comes to judge, it spoils what would otherwise be a lovely time.

I find the pressure of her coming makes me procrastinate and feel less motivated than usual, I leave things to the last minute then get in a frazzle because she’s on her way.

no i fear mine is because of my mum passing her OCD down to me, i force myself to leave the toys out, and just not be so perfect as its mentally draining

KimberleyClark · 20/05/2025 13:54

We did before the in-laws visited. Not so much my own mother, she didn’t mind.

Newhere5 · 20/05/2025 13:55

No I don’t.
My Mum lives abroad, when she comes over she either helps with kids or with cleaning ( we have 2 young children)

CrushingOnRubies · 20/05/2025 13:56

I tidy but not immaculately. Think my mum would think something was wrong with me if the house suddenly was spotless

mil on the other hand. But she passed comment o ln everything so giving up

Daisyvodka · 20/05/2025 13:59

No - and yes she will pass the occasional comment but after a few 'it's my house not yours' spats a few years ago she did get the message - she will pass comment on the garden but its always with an offer of help which i do take up so I can accept that. Our relationship is otherwise very good and easy though, I would totally understand someone who had a different relationship with their mother not wanting my status quo.

CurlyKoalie · 20/05/2025 14:00

My mum (now no longer with us) used to casually run her fingers along surfaces and check for dust. I used to just ignore her. I did say once that if she thought she might catch something from my furniture she was free to go home. My dad nearly peed himself laughing and she never did it again. I noticed she only became picky once she retired. Too much time on her hands I think !

strangeandfamiliar · 20/05/2025 14:04

No, but that's because my house on its worst day is still about fifty times as tidy as my mother's on its best! I do like a very clean and tidy house, but I don't really notice or care what my adult dc's houses are like, as long as I don't have to live in them. Quite relieved about that, as I thought I might be going to be the judgy DM/MIL from hell.

Doitrightnow · 20/05/2025 14:16

I don't make it immaculate but I do make an effort. Especially cleaning the toilets as she's been known to judge. We're in an extremely hard water area and with the feeble modern flushes I find it practically impossible to stay on top of the limescale 😕

faerietales · 20/05/2025 14:21

No - our house is probably tidier than hers is Grin

Not that hers is messy, by any means, but my parents have more "stuff" than we do so there's lots of knickknacks etc. lying around, whereas we have cats so our surfaces are clear to stop them being able to bat everything on the floor, lol.

toomuchfaff · 20/05/2025 14:27

Cut her off when you see her judging.

Don't be tempted to tell me how you'd do things differently, How your house would be cleaner, or your garden nicer. I'm not you, let's just be clear - I'm not you, I'm me, I spend my time differently and have different priorities than you do. Neither of us is wrong, I'm just pointing it out so we can have a noce time while you visit and there's no animosity. Stop judging, and let's have a lovely visit.

cannaecookrisotto · 20/05/2025 14:29

No because even if it was cleaned by Mary fucking Poppins herself she’d still find something to moan about 😂

LadyDanburysHat · 20/05/2025 14:31

I used to, I don't bother any more. She will always find something wrong anyway. I prefer fun time with my husband and children to hours and hours of housework. My priorities are different to hers and I don't care.

You should pull her up on it. Too many mothers seem to still think they are in charge of their adult children adn that we should do what they say.

catin8oot5 · 20/05/2025 14:33

No she makes it spotless when she gets here 😜