Do you make your house spotless before your mum visits?

[dempsi]

I don’t see my mum that often because of distance and I much prefer going to her but she’s coming and she has very high standards for housework and lives in what looks like a show home, even though she works full time and had 4 children she’s always kept her home immaculate, she spends her free time cleaning and tending to the garden.
I like to think my house is ok, I keep it tidy and wipe down the kitchen daily and things but it’s nothing like her impeccable standards.
Shes very vocal about our differences in cleanliness and will immediately gravitate to the garden on arrival to see what I’ve done in the garden, Dh mows the lawn and I keep the weeds at bay but apart from that it’s just a garden I don’t really sit out there so it’s used for drying washing and the children go out there to play sometimes.
I do worry when she comes because she’ll point out that I’ve let the garden go or not been on top of the housework even after I’ve cleaned and cleaned.

I focus more on hoovering, cleaning the kitchen sides, floor and keeping things tidy, she will point out dust behind the telly or on the skirting board behind the table etc which you’d never see in her house.
I love her very much and wish she was less judgy but it’s deep in her nature.
Should I just be myself and try to ignore her disapproval or make my house a show home every-time she visits which I get quite stressed about.
The children love to see her and apart from this we get on very well, I just hate feeling the pressure of trying to get the house spotless before she comes to judge, it spoils what would otherwise be a lovely time.

I find the pressure of her coming makes me procrastinate and feel less motivated than usual, I leave things to the last minute then get in a frazzle because she’s on her way.

My parents’ visits usually end in my mum going on at me about how untidy the house is, my dad whingeing at me about how untidy the garden is, my husband shouting at them to leave me alone and me cowering in a corner.

Doesn't she have a life? Doesn't she go out or have a social life? Not everyone gives a shit about having a spotless home so perhaps introduce her to the concept of different priorities.

God no. She’s passed away now, but she was a messy bugger, lol, made me look quite house-proud. She was, quite rightly, more concerned with enjoying her life than wiping her skirting boards, lol. Not that I would have cared, phrases like keep your thoughts to yourself, etc would have been coming out if she had been the judgy type. My house, my rules..

Suggests she confines her conversation to the weather?

No. My house is never clean and tidy unless the cleaner has literally just left.

I could have written this! I remember my mum advising me to cut myself a bit of slack after we had our 2nd child, and just ‘keep the kitchen and bathroom clean obviously, but don’t worry too much about the rest - just a bit of dusting and hoovering every day to keep on top of it’! I pointed out that that was more than I did before kids and she looked baffled.
I love her to bits, but when she starts listing all the home improvements we need to do my hackles shoot up immediately. So stressful.

Welcome her in the front door, monitor her behaviour, if not acceptable, push her out of the back door lol.

We live in different countries now and I do all the visiting to DM. When we lived close by, it never occurred to me to get the house spotless. I'm a tidy person though, and things are generally clean as well.

I don't think you should go for spotless. Let your DM see things as they are. If she wants to clean, tell her it's not necessary and you don't want to hear about it.

It’s never even occurred to me to clean up especially for my mum.

Not for my mum who is chill, but for my MIL who likes to remind us all that she both worked and kept an immaculate home like super woman personified lol

Not for my Mum, her own house is not anywhere near as clean as mine. I do for mil. She has an immaculate house, although she is lovely and would never say anything judgemental.

Fuck that! You said yourself she still picks even when youve tried, so whats the point exactly? Id just be honest next time she says something. Tell her its your house and she doesnt need to live in it, and if she's not happy then to stop visiting. My mum would be getting shown the door if she came in picking at me and judging. Honestly you're not a child!

God, no. I save it for her! 😆

Nope

I’m not a passive aggressive person but this would make me make quite snippy comments along the lines of “ah bless you mum, do you think you might need to find a hobby - you seem bored”

or I’d say “I’d love a bit of help… can you do the garden for me?”

Nope. I don't make my house spotless for anyone. It's my house they can take it or leave it. My mum sounds very similar to yours and when she comments I say she is very welcome to rectify whatever it is she is criticising!

I got fed up of mine doing the same and recently told her she either takes it as she sees it or doesn’t come to visit. We both work full time, have two kids one of whom is AuDHD and I don’t need her creating more stress in my life because her hose is a show home and mine actually looks like small people live here! She has actually toned it down a bit as I really lost my temper as being nagged about it incessantly and told her I wasn’t the only person who lived here!

I leave the house at 7.30, return at 5 ish after collecting the kids, make dinner for me and the kids whilst sorting dishwasher unloading/surface wiping, quickly running vacuum cleaner around etc then either enjoy some cuddles and tv or play a game with the kids. Sort milk for the little one then it time for teeth, stories and bed for the little one, sort the older one with milk and a snack, repeat bedtime routine for him. By the time he settled it’s nearly 8.30, feed the dog (husband walk him him when he gets home from work but that’s after kids are in bed as he does nursing shifts) then invariably I have work to do (teacher)/need a shower and would like some downtime before bed!

At weekends I want to spend time with the kids as I work full time in the week. So more in depth jobs get done as and when we have time! My memories of weekends and holiday are my mum cleaning and yelling at us for leaving a toy on the floor unattended for more than 5 minutes, I don’t want my kids to fell that way. I do all them to tidy away toys when they are finished with them so I can get a hoover around but if it’s left out all day/for serval days if it’s marble run/lego then as long as it isn’t tripping us over I don’t mind as they tend to set stuff up and play with it for a few days.

No, she's very houseproud but back when she was able to visit (7 hours plane ride away) she would have happily joined me and my family in a pigsty just to be able to spend time with us.

Sorry you feel so judged by your mum, and sorry she can't pull the pole out of her ass and just enjoy your company.

Yep.
Mine lives abroad and comes once a year. I usually spend the day before she arrives cleaning and on the way home from the airport apologies that I haven't had any time to clean.

She then proceeds to spend her entire visit deep cleaning my house anyway.

It used to bother me, but I actually appreciate it now - it's good motivation for me to tidy up things that I wouldn't normally do, and to be fair to her she's stopped commenting that much the last couple of years and just comes and gets on with bleaching the doors/washing the walls/insert whatever crazy thing she's decided is helpful 🤷🏻‍♀️

My lovely, late mum never. MIL a different story.
One day, when DS was about 5 and I was running the hoover round, he asked me whether nanny was coming round. So I asked him what made him think that, but he knew full well why!
She said to me once that she told all her friends how untidy and disorganised I was, and that I should get up an hour before the kids (5am) to do the housework.
In fact I wasn’t at all untidy or disorganised, I just didn’t want to live in a bland, sterile, cold environment like hers.
She would only ever live in new build houses. To her living in a previously occupied house was akin to wearing someone else’s knickers.
Funny woman, but (relatively) harmless.

i probably go to more effort when I know people are coming around but I find life is busy enough and it’s hard to fit everything in. It stresses me out to have to rush around. My family just accept how we are but the in laws have made a few digs over the years. Most recently MIL had a dig about the beds not being made up for her arrival. (We’d prob stripped them to wash and tumble prior to her arrival but hadn’t put them back on) apparently this was also my failing not my husbands. Some lovely casual sexist there.
as much as possible I’d be aiming to meet them elsewhere so as to not be on edge.

Shouldn’t worry about it. You have set your standards. My fathers same pulling out single weeds when round or rearranging cupboards only for me to arrange back!

God no, she doesn't judge anyway but even if she did I wouldn't!

My friend goes berserk tidying when her MIL comes round, I don't know how she can be arsed and why it matters. The older I get, the more I think a lot of people's "stress" seems to be self inflicted tbh. What's the worst would happen if it wasn't tidy?

No she cleans it lol