To be a bit frustrated with my mum?

[BakPain]

A few weeks ago it was my birthday. For weeks before hand my mum was constantly asking what I wanted - I kept saying I didn’t know as I’d be happy with just a card. This is true as anything I want or need - I’ve probably already bought. But she kept on so I said one thing I really needed was these very specific pencils. I was going to buy them myself but never got around to it. They were £30 and I wasn’t sure of her budget so I said I’d be more than happy to put towards them if they were over budget. She wouldn’t hear of it and asked for a link. I sent her the Amazon link. The pencils were very specific and I made this quite clear (hence why I was happy to contribute towards them). She got the link and said she’d order them.

(I make my living through art, hence why I was specific!)

So my birthday came and went - no pencils 😂 but she said she had ordered them, they just havnt arrived yet. I thought this was odd as the Amazon link said next day delivery. Anyway I was happy to wait. This morning she said my pencils had arrived! Yay! Only they were not the pencils from the link 🤦‍♀️ I feel awful and ungrateful but I’ll never use these - I’ll end up giving them to my daughter. And now I have to buy the actual pencils I need which is the rest of my birthday money gone (I’d put that aside for some specific paper I really need).

Im just frustrated, she has form for doing this and I don’t know why. I do know she’s obsessed with a certain online shop so probably thought she could get something “similar” on there.

I know it’s not a huge deal but AIBU to be a bit frustrated about it? She was the one nagging me to tell her what I wanted, I would have been happy with a card but when pushed - I gave in. Wish I’d just said chocolate!

she has form for doing this

Hmmm, yes-that's annoying but it doesn't sound like it was unexpected!

Super frustrating but as you say she had form so you'll know to never ask her for something specific again

It was in a way as this time I literally sent her the link - all she had to do is click “buy now”.

Tell her so she can return them.

A minor point in the grander scheme of things.

DH’s family never ask what any of us want and we’ve ended up with some right random rubbish over the last 24 years but hey, if they want to waste their money that’s up to them.

Assuming they weren't sent directly to you as a gift, I'd tell her.

It is frustrating, however if you'd said chocolate you would be in the same position of still having to buy the pencils so forget about it and know to ask for something like chocolate etc in the future.

So you say no these aren’t the right ones. The company must have made a mistake and we need to send them back. Push it til she orders the right ones

"Hi mum, Unfortunately Amazon have sent you the wrong pencils by mistake. I can't use these ones I'm afraid. Could you let them know they have made a mistake, and I'll give these ones back to you. I'm sure they will send the right ones when they know as they are still in stock, but if not you can get a refund"

Non artists don't get the difference in materials or that you just might have a preference. I am super picky about my yellow watercolours, of all things.

"Hey Mom, these aren't the ones I requested and they don't work for me. Can you return them and get x brand?"

If she's done this before, maybe just ask for an Amazon gift card. Happy birthday 🎂

I’m reading as she doesn’t (have a lot to?) spend on presents and the pencils that have arrived are from somewhere very cheap (temu?). I wouldn’t have any further discussion because why would you want to shame your mum. At least you can order the pencils you do want today and have them arrive tomorrow so not like you’ll be waiting much longer.

My mum does this all the time. She always chooses some random crap to get even if there is a list/links given (they're always asked for). I don't know how to prevent the tat; I would have thought a link would be a huuugggge hint! It is getting worse as she gets older.

Stuff like this does my head in so I sympathise OP 🤣.
Get me what I ask for (the specific thing, and not something they think is the same), or just don’t bother.

Just ask for the money next time. Tell her you want to buy something but you haven't exactly decided yet but it'll be about £30?

Mine does this too.

Argh, my mother does this as well. I desperately want her to stop giving me (or anyone in my family) gifts, but she insists and insists, and I find something small and cheap and easy to obtain, and send her a link - and she ALWAYS goes rogue and gets something the imagines is an upgrade, but is actually nothing like the original item, and totally useless and bizarre, and ends up going to the charity shop.

She also does this when I visit and she asks what she can get in from the supermarket. I’ll say Walkers ready salted crisps - so, nothing rare or hard to find, and also one of about 5 foods my DC with ARFID will eat - and she’ll go off piste and get organic blue corn tortilla chips. It drives me fucking mad.

Urgh I feel your pain.

My mum is similar, she will get a slightly different version of what I ask for, even when I send a link.

I never ask for anything extravagant - one year I wanted a Pyrex metric measuring jug as I'd just gotten into baking. She bought me a plastic one with imperial measurements. She bought it from some drop-shipper on amazon with a load of other gumpf, that I didn't want and would never use - including a customised apron that couldn't be washed.

I think in my mum's case she sees More = Better, and nothing is better than a bargain. Even if they aren't things I want, need or will use. Whereas I hate waste and clutter and I value a single good quality item. But we wont ever see eye to eye - I just donate it all and try to not let it get to me.

Next year ask for money or a voucher it sounds too stressful, I stopped giving specific suggestions about 5/6 years ago , my mum is quite happy to give me £30 in a card.

Just draw a line under it and request Amazon vouchers in the future.

My mil is a bit like this bless her..she asked me when I was pregnant am I a size 16 or 18? (I've only ever been a size 14 or less)..she also asked what size my daughter is for Christmas pyjamas so I said adult 8-10 as she has lost weight (she used to be a 14) but mil bought her aged 10! Luckily they fit so everyone was happy

Frustrating? Yes I guess it could be.

However you said you would be happy with just a card. So if she had got you just a card you would have had to buy the pencils with your own money anyway.

That is true - but now I have yet another box of pencils that are useless. It’s clutter

Well I dunno, I ordered something recently from Amazon that I had ordered several times before and always got the item as specified but this time I did not receive what was in the ad or photos and instead got a cheaper inferior sort of similar product but definitely not the branded product ordered. Obviously I noticed these were not the same despite being very similar so returned, maybe Amazon have made the mistake, I'd ask her to return them to double check it really was the right link she ordered on.

God that's annoying. I can't abide it when people insist on buying you something and then absolutely refuse to get what you actually want or need.

If I were really fed up I'd give them back to her and say they aren't the ones you asked for.

But really, this should be the last time you play along with this little game. She has form for it, so you can't keep doing the same thing and expecting something different from her. When she starts insisting that she wants to get you a birthday present next year just say no thanks, I don't want anything. If she doubles down just say no, you never actually get what I ask for and it's a waste of money.

Give them to your daughter or donate them, don't give it any more heads pace.