To think millennial parents who were brought up strictly are more relaxed parents?

[Roxietrees]

I’m a millennial parent who was brought up in the 80s/90s, being smacked and told “because I say so”. Never given an explanation for why I couldn’t do something, my opinions were never considered particularly valid, and sex or periods etc were never discussed. My parents were also fairly emotionally closed. It’s made me actively do the opposite with my own DC - obviously I’d never smack them. But I also negotiate with them, explain why they can’t do certain things, and am extremely open with them about everything.

I recognise not all parents at the time were like this but I think quite a few were. It’s made me wonder if the whole concept of gentle parenting was born out of a backlash to their own strict parenting? Interestingly generations before millennials seem to have just parented in the same way their parents did (or maybe boomers and below did). So, what I’m wondering I guess, is if your upbringing was fairly strict, has it made you actively do the opposite with your own kids or do you parent like your own parents?

I think there is a balance. I was raised as you were and in the same time period.

With mine, I was very much about meeting their needs wholly until they turned around three and as they got older, I got a bit stricter as I have higher expectations of a 5 year old than a 2 year old.
By stricter, I don’t mean smacking obviously. But I will raise my voice if I need to and I won’t molly coddle. I want my kids to have independence which is one thing my parents did right. They allowed me age appropriate independence from quite young and that builds up resilience.
I think we need to be careful not to throw the baby out with the bath water. Yes, a lot of what our parents did would be massively frowned upon now but there was some good there, too.
I think you can definitely be too ‘gentle’ as well as you can be too strict. I aim for a happy middle ground. It definitely seems to be working.

By too gentle do you mean not having enough rules and boundaries or being over-protective/overly molly coddling them?

Not really, quite the opposite

Friends who I know come from a strict background are relatively strict with their own children

the "gentle parents" seem to have inherited that "gentleness" from their own upbringing.

I think millennials raised by boomers and millennials raised by Gen X had very different upbringing.

I’m Gen X and definitely haven’t repeated the more strict aspects of their parenting. On several occasions I have gone to tell my daughter she couldn’t do something then checked myself, making sure there is actually a valid reason not to do it if I’m going to stop her. I think about all my adult traits which stem from my childhood (mostly things I feel guilty about when there is no reason to). I don’t expect my teenager to be up early at the weekend just because I have decided I’m going to do housework at 9am. I don’t say a smug “goood afternoon” when she gets up at 10.30. I will point out what she has done well before offering constructive criticism if there is something she needs to learn. I remind her every day that she is brilliant and how much I love being her parent. We have appropriate boundaries, I’m not her best friend, but I am her biggest supporter and we love spending time together. We have so much fun and can talk about anything.

The emotional unavailability of my parents has shaped my life. I had to spend a lot of years re-opening to people. I’m not exactly dead inside, but when my dad had a heart attack then bypass surgery, I was neither up nor down about it. I spend time with them, go visit, etc, we’re not NC or even LC. But I learned early on they are not worth having emotions around.

Interesting, I think that’s definitely the case for older generations eg. boomers smacking their kids cos they were smacked and “didn’t know any better” (which I think is BS) but didn’t think it was the case for younger generations but maybe it’s more a case of societal attitudes at the time (but then where did those societal attitudes come from etc etc). My parents were strict with manners and I can see that I’m similar to them (but not as extreme) with manners with my own DC but the complete opposite with emotional availability and openness. My DD is only 6 but I casually talk to her about periods all the time. I’d never want her to get a shock and not know what to do when she gets her period like I did. Maybe it’s just minor “traumas” from your own parents’ parenting that you vow to do differently because it negatively affects you. I dunno, I’m rambling now!

Yes I definitely think mine has! I grew up in the 80's with the same parenting as you describe. I'm definitely more of a gentle parent and am very aware of the things i say to my children and being very open and honest with them. However my husband also grew up in the 80's and I think he's more of the we need to be stricter, too much gentle parenting and kids are all turning into brats these days so I guess it's not really true for him.

I'm not convinced that it's a generational thing. There are strict "because I say so" parents in every generation. There are lax "anything goes" parents in every generation. And there are parents in every generation who seek to provide guidance and support to their children without unnecessarily throwing their weight around.

Typically, those of us who were lucky enough to have loving and effective parents who managed to strike the right balance, will try to emulate what our parents did. Those whose parents leaned too heavily towards being too strict or too lax will likely want to do things differently.

I am not convinced that millennial parents are that different from any of the generations that went before. Though they are perhaps a bit more self conscious about their parenting "style" because of the influence of social media.

My parents definitely think I parent in a ‘millennial’ way. They were shocked at the breastfeeding past a couple of months, co sleeping (both me with a newborn and husband with our toddler in another bed) and especially by the more fluid routine and no sleep training.

Sleep training seemed mandatory by my mums standards and she didn’t cuddle us much as the health visitor told her to put as down the majority of time so we didn’t become needy babies.

for later childhood years, I had pretty liberal parents by 90s standards. They didn’t shout at us much (mum basically never) whereas most friends parents did a lot of shouting at their children to try to get to them to do what they wanted. There was very little reason or explanation given to children which I find sad as it works on ours to say why we need to them to X or Y. They are keen to please they just need to know the reasoning behind not having chocolate for breakfast or walking along the edge of the kerb next to the traffic.

i was still smacked on my bottom if I was naughty from toddler onwards. Which is something we don’t do (do people still do this?!). So yes we are more gentle and more liberal than our predecessors.
I did enjoy the freedom my parents gave us and I try not to say ‘don’t do that it’s unsafe’ when my son climbs a tree for example - we were encouraged to test ourselves and have our own adventures.

Both

All of my friends raised in the 80s and 90s broadly try to emulate the same parenting they had: because we all had great parents and turned out well as a result of their parenting. I suspect the parents now who intentionally try to deviate from how they were raised had somewhat dysfunctional childhoods and not so great relationships with their parents now, rather than it being about the boundaries and rules, many of which will have been pretty typical for the period, themselves.

”Because I said so” sometimes is a perfectly good response for a child from a parent regarding certain things. Being emotionally illiterate and not being able to show affection = family dysfunction.

My parents definitely think I parent in a ‘millennial’ way. They were shocked at the breastfeeding past a couple of months, co sleeping (both me with a newborn and husband with our toddler in another bed) and especially by the more fluid routine and no sleep training.

Your parents might think of that as a "millennial" style of parenting, but it really isn't. I am Gen X and did all of the above, and it wasn't that unusual at the time. And what I did wasn't that different to what my own mum did several decades earlier.

I feel like what we don't talk about are the areas in which we are so much stricter (though generally of course I use different words and choices to my parents in parenting - I guess along the lines of 'gentle parenting') and that's because it's culturally bound and so we almost don't see them as parenting decisions.

• don't talk to that stranger
• don't run ahead so that I can't see you
• no you can't play where I can't see you
• you need to be 10 (or whatever) to go alone to the shop
• I'll keep an eye on you while you play with your friends so I can break up any fights/stop any inappropriate behaviour

No wonder we are all so exhausted. We are having to be strict in all these new ways, as well as being very thoughtful in changing the way we parent (as what comes reflexively is often not 'gentle parenting' or modern parenting).

I agree. I think there is often an assumption that millennials are trying to right the parenting wrongs of their own parents. But for me, my parents were great not despite all the classic 80’s and 90’s parenting styles, but because of it.

I had a slipper thrown at me more then once along with all the following:
Carry on crying and I’ll give you something to cry about.
If I hear that word come out your mouth again, it’ll be the last thing you say.
Go to bed, if I hear you up one more time, you’ll be sorry.

And my personal favourite, when my friend got pregnant at 16, I went home and said to my Mum, what would you do if I got pregnant now, her reply… ‘push you down the fucking stairs’ 🤣😂.

My mum is awesome. I’m one of 5 and we all reflect on what a great childhood we had.

I was raised by parents of different generations. My dad was the silent generation and my mother a baby boomer. I am a millennial being born in the mid eighties, growing up in the nineties and Ex is a Generation X.

Baby boomer mother was horrendous, incredibly emotionally abusive and Silent generation dad was too lenient and possibly gave too much freedom. However one thing they both united on was what they said went and we had absolutely no right to reply on anything. Our feelings never taken into account. We couldn’t be unhappy etc.

Ex was from a similar background, parents never told him they loved him, don’t answer back etc.

We have been very different with our child. I don’t think gentle but certainly given him the things we didn’t have. I never slept and was terrified being shut in a dark room. I’ve made sure my child is comfortable and relaxed every night by any means possible because I can’t bear the thought of him laying there like I used to.
If he feels we’ve been unfair he has the right to raise that and we talk, we are more prepared to say sorry as parents, especially if we’ve gone ott or reacted in a moment. In turn we respect and understand when he has an off moment, a bad day etc. I think we understand more that children are people too and have the same emotions and frustrations as we do. It’s not bad behaviour.
I hope that when things are hard or he needs help, he knows he can come home and tell me rather than thinking “my mum can’t find out about this”

The one thing we have kept from our childhoods and parents is that we will not tolerate him being rude or disrespectful to anyone even if they are to you, and to always have manners.

We brought our child up exactly how we were brought up ourselves.

No slapping or other "physical" punishments, ever.

We "rationalised" and "explained" things, rules, etc., right from the earliest time of him understanding. Told him in advance of expected behaviour, what to expect, etc., and consequences for if he didn't. Right from the earliest of ages.

Explanation and pre-planning, pre-warning etc., is essential so that he knew what to expect, both in terms of what we were doing, where we were going, etc., but also in terms of sanctions for any misbehaving (which was never physical punishment).

Start early and keep up with it consistently.

He never got in trouble at school, not a single detention or other punishment - at parents' evenings we were consistently told he was a "model" pupil. Yet he still had a childhood and teenage years full of fun.

When he started socialising as a teenager, we made our expectations absolutely crystal clear, i.e. specific time to be home by! Amazingly he never once missed our (entirely reasonable) deadlines. Likewise we drummed it into him to tell us where he was, what he was doing, and to let us know if plans changed. Not micro-managing, we weren't expecting a text every 10 minutes, but he knew we were expecting a quick text every couple of hours.

A lot of it is basic/mutual respect. We respected him, gave him enough freedom, and mostly allowed him to do his own thing, but at the same time, he knew our standards of discipline and behaviour.

All that continued in his 3 years at University and even during the latter 2 years since Uni whilst working in a different city and living independently. There's still mutual respect and he still keeps us updated with "most" of what he's doing, and remains happy to give us 2 or 3 texts a day when abroad on holiday with friends, etc. Even on occasional home visits when he goes out socialising with his old friends, he'll still make sure he gets home at a sensible hour rather than bumbling in and waking us up in the early hours - obviously it's up to him how long he stays out when he's living in his own flat in his work city, as it was when he was at Uni, but he knows that when he's staying in our home, his childhood home, he complies with our house rules even as an adult.

I think everyone’s parents attitude to parenting impacts how they approach parenting. I grew up in the 80s/90s too but in a much more permissive household. There were no rules. I got anything I wanted. My parents were sort of only vaguely around and more interested in being “best friends” than parents.

I am definitely much stricter. Don’t smack or anything like that. But we very much have firm rules and expectations. My kids don’t get something just because they want it. I’m very much “I don’t care if Sarah’s parents said Sarah is allowed to do x, you don’t have Sarah’s parents.” 😂 We are strict about phone usage and behaviour and homework and definitely have much more explicit expectations of how our dc will be and what they will achieve than our parents did for us.

In some ways, I’m not sure it’s better. But I think it would be very dangerous and irresponsible to raise a child in today’s world the way we were raised. Children need structure and expectations more than they need parents who want to seem “cool” and will buy them whatever they want.

I don’t know. I’m a millennial and don’t think I’m strict but my kids have thought I was at times. They’re 15/18 now and over the years I would say I’ve been strict on things like not being horrible to people, having manners, not skipping school etc all that kind of thing BUT I’ve been more relaxed about other things like freedom to go out and about, letting them have autonomy, friends round all the time etc.

Oh having read the post above I do say ‘i don’t care what X parent does’ because tbh, i don’t, i parent how I think I should parent. Equally though i actively do not let my anxieties limit their experiences and inclusion because 100% my mum wouldn’t allow me to do something because she was worried about it or she’d make me worry about it so I’d avoid it.

I had very strict parents and I feel like I’ve turned out OK(ish 😂). I’m proud of the person I am and at 33 I appreciate and understand all of the decisions my parents made looking back. So, I actually aim to emulate their approach to a reasonable extent… maybe ever so slightly more relaxed when it comes to certain things, but largely a very similar approach.

My parents were very strict and I make it my mission to be much more relaxed because I saw the impact. I was an extremely anxious child, always living in fear of not being perfect or not doing something right, because I was so afraid of getting in trouble or being shamed. I was such a good kid, but my parents had zero tolerance.

I consider my DC to be extremely immature for their age, but I think that might just be because I was given so much responsibility as a child and teen and I have chosen not to burden my DC with the same. My parents expected perfect grades, but I expect DC to do their best and at least do all their work. My parents were not people I could ever go to for emotional support because I lived in fear of them, whereas I have made sure that DC know they can come to me. My parents also piled tons of chores onto me, daily, and I have chosen not to expect or ask for any help with housework from DC other than keeping the bedroom clean.

I've made very conscious choices, I guess, because my childhood was so unhappy.

I am strict about certain things especially with safety and health, but overall I care more about having a good relationship with my DC that will last into adulthood, something that my parents made impossible.

Obviously, as a kid in the 80s, I was free to disappear on my bike, ride on busy streets, etc, and these are things I will not permit. So I am stricter on that front!

I had an upbringing that veered wildly and unpredictably from screaming, emotional manipulation and unreasonably strict to neglectful, absent and parentification.

My parenting style is absolutely in response to that; I am a gentle parent - firm boundaries explained clearly and communicated lovingly. Communication is at the core of everything; my daughter's voice and opinion is valued and respected. We trust each other to act with good intentions; we can hold her accountable and she can also hold us accountable.

I'm a late Gen X raised in 80s/90s. My parents were emotionally unavailable & pretty much ignored us, and we had zero boundaries, rules, choices or guidance. We were also smacked and told no with no explanation. (DM has only recently realised this was not great.)

I am much stricter on my DC movements as I had horrific experiences and often no idea what was going on, and no support when things did go wrong.

I'm also much more loving, encouraging & talk openly with my DC. I'll make my own mistakes, but they will at least know they are loved & always feel safe.

I could have typed this ,word for word.
I had a very relaxed ,fairly bohemian upbringing,my children had a similar upbringing.. I kept rules to a minimum and my children were pretty well behaved through all the different stages . All are decent,hardworking adults and we are very close.
I have grandchildren and my daughter is definitely similar in her approach to me. On the other hand SIL is stricter as was his upbringing.

Hi @iwentjasonwaterfalls my upbringing was very similar. Not to derail the subject of the thread but I’m just curious about other people’s relationships with their parents now after childhoods like this. Can I ask you what your relationship with them is like now? My parents would say we have a pretty good relationship but I can’t stop secretly simmering with resentment a lot of the time! Especially since becoming a parent

I felt the simmering resentment for a really long time and put up with it because I couldn't see an alternative. Their behaviour started to impact on DD and she expressed that she was uncomfortable with some of the things they were doing and saying. I've been no contact with my father for about four years now and with my mother for roughly a year and I have no regrets, it's like a weight has been lifted that I didn't realise I was carrying around.