To think millennial parents who were brought up strictly are more relaxed parents?

[Roxietrees]

I’m a millennial parent who was brought up in the 80s/90s, being smacked and told “because I say so”. Never given an explanation for why I couldn’t do something, my opinions were never considered particularly valid, and sex or periods etc were never discussed. My parents were also fairly emotionally closed. It’s made me actively do the opposite with my own DC - obviously I’d never smack them. But I also negotiate with them, explain why they can’t do certain things, and am extremely open with them about everything.

I recognise not all parents at the time were like this but I think quite a few were. It’s made me wonder if the whole concept of gentle parenting was born out of a backlash to their own strict parenting? Interestingly generations before millennials seem to have just parented in the same way their parents did (or maybe boomers and below did). So, what I’m wondering I guess, is if your upbringing was fairly strict, has it made you actively do the opposite with your own kids or do you parent like your own parents?

My parents were fairly strict, and corporal punishment was used by them. The only thing that really got me riled was 'because I said so'.
But, as I got older I was given quite a lot of independence, possibly because I had had strong boundaries. I had Avery good relationship with both my parents, until my mother became very bitter in her old age.
When our DC were born, we largely had the same rules, but no physical punishment; and when our DC asked why they couldn't do something, I tried to explain in age appropriate language.

I am a millennial, I had children a lot younger than most people my age (first was born 2008, so the majority of my peers in parenting him are Gen X). I was brought up pretty much in a "gentle parenting" style although of course it wasn't called that. But my mum listened to us, rarely punished us, talked to us about things and generally we had a very harmonious household.

I got into the idea before it really had a name as well - we had threads about the (original) how to talk book, a website called Taking Children Seriously (which looking back is a bit bonkers ) and some other things which seemed to fit the vibe, like educational theories e.g. Montessori, and Elizabeth Pantley's whole not-sleep-training thing. I don't think everyone who looks for a parenting style which is less hierarchical and more child led is reacting as a backlash against their own harsh parenting experiences in childhood.

However I think there has been a shift - as long as I can remember discussing this kind of thing on MN, there were threads decrying it as madness, and during one thread when I was explaining what I saw as the difference between what I was doing and "normal parenting" somebody pointed out that it basically sounded like normal parenting - nobody is advocating, today, for hitting children or shaming them or using overly punitive parenting. Not unless you count the religious nutters anyway, actual parenting experts who are well respected - none of them are advocating for any of the stuff that (what was already, by then, called) "gentle parenting" sets itself apart from.

And I think they are right. Because while in the 00s and early 2010s, it was still fairly popular to recommend things like sticker charts and time out/the naughty step, because the focus of a lot of experts was on giving people tangible alternatives to smacking and (purposeful/punitive) shouting, those things are now so uncommon that they aren't considered normal parenting any more, so any parenting experts - and I mean actual experts, not influencers - are focusing more on communication, connection/relationship, child development and how to encourage and support preferred behaviours in a more rounded way which isn't just related to reward and punishment. Which, to me, are the ideas which felt radical and new 15 years ago.

I think you sound like a really lovely parent😊

We raised two millennials. One of them is stricter, one less strict with their own children. We did expect certain behaviours such as respect but on the whole living in a quiet area they had lots of freedom. I think school was stricter.

I thought this was absolutely fascinating as a study BTW - they took the perceptions of various parents including whether or not they identified with the "gentle" label and the findings are roughly that self-identified "gentle parents" don't parent much differently from parents who don't identify with that term, but self-identified gentle parents are MUCH more likely to feel that their own parenting was too harsh and they are breaking a cycle. It fits with my own observations that "gentle parenting" is not a distinct style but more of an identity, and particularly so post-2016.

journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371%2Fjournal.pone.0307492

My parents (well, my mother, who ruled the roost) was very strict.
I recall all of the “because I said so” “I’ll give you something to cry about” “stop being insensitive” and so on. I was strongly chastised for any minor misdemeanour and smacked a lot by my mother.
All my feelings and opinions were invalidated and ridiculed and I was strongly discouraged from being independent and making my own decisions.
It’s had quite a profound effect on me as an adult, I can be a people pleaser, often don’t trust my own decision making, very indecisive, self doubting, anxious.
Im determined that I will raise my child differently and I hope I’m doing just that.

I want him to have a voice, to grow Up independent and knowing himself, confident without being cocky, with integrity. Happy. Knowing he can come to me no matter what, that I’ll always listen to him and let him have his feelings. That I’m his safe space and that we are equal.
So yeah, I definitely think my own parenting has been hugely influenced by how I was parented.

I don’t quite agree with your OP

I would say: parents who were unhappy as children and had a poor relationship with their parents will try to parent differently

Whereas parents who were happy as children will try to replicate their upbringing - albeit with updates to reflect current views (eg no smacking even if they were smacked)

So parents who had a fairly strict upbringing but were happy nonetheless, may be the same with their own kids

Labelling 'generations' is entirely pointless in itself. You might as well use someone's horoscope or Chinese years or whatever. My parents and the parents of my friends all parented differently, and quite why someone born in 1946 would parent similarly to someone born in 1960 I've no idea. Or even 2 people living next door to each other. Every parent has their own challenges, that I'd agree with, but those who are parents now are no better or worse than parents of the past.

I love this! I guess it isn't so much about what is said as how it is said, and how much love is felt in the house. I personally think that with love, affection and humour, parents can get away with a lot!

Im probably somewhere in the middle. I’m Gen X, raised by boomers who were abusive by today’s standards (actually they were abusive by 80s standards too and we were taken into care).

I raised two millennials and one Gen Z. I never smacked them, but I had firm boundaries. I didn’t ’negotiate’ with them, but I always explained why they couldn’t do something. We always talked about our feelings, and I told them that I loved them and that I was proud of them all the time. There were lots of cuddles.

They didn’t have the freedoms that I did, and they were definitely infinitely more indulged. School was less strict than it was when I attended but more strict than it is now. They attended wraparound care because I worked full-time, so couldn’t have 6 hobbies a week like today’s children.

They went through the normal teenage phases of complaining about how hard they had it (My mate gets a thousand pounds a week pocket money and he’s never had to eat vegetables, and his Mum buys him an X Box game every week!) but now they’re adults they laugh about it and they’re all very grateful for their upbringing and always tell me I’m a great Mum.

In short, I think modern parents put far more effort into parenting. But being devil’s advocate, I accept that’s easier when you’ve got money, labour saving devices and you don’t have 8 kids.

I'm a late Gen X. I have certainly been more relaxed/understanding with mine.

I think that individuals and generations who had a difficult time growing up have a habit of turning against the parenting style they experienced as children and setting out to do the opposite with their own DC. Unfortunately there are often some disadvantages to the way this is done, such as rejecting all forms of discipline in favour of a literalism that makes their children feel unsafe, or pathologising their children's normal childhood distresses as 'mental health issues'.