AIBU to be hurt and fed up as a parent of a teen who constantly complains?

[EasyEV]

Im actually heartbroken and feel like a failure. I'm asking for you to keep me see straight on this. My youngest has been vocally harsh over our parenting keeps pointing out all our failings as parents. I keep asking myself where did i go wrong? What could I have done differently? It really hurts. I don't want to let her down and am listening to her there is part of me that thinks I may be pandering to a spoiled girl.

I've 3 children/young adults. My youngest is 17 and mid A-Levels so very stressed and tired. She has been saying she is depressed and needs therapy because of how hard and traumatic her life has been.

We were not 100% perfect parents, but we were not terrible. I was a SAHM and their Dad provided for most of their needs - they were comfortable and in a safe pretty village. No money worries, holidays, comfort. I have cared for their physical and material needs and been there for their mental support as best I could. Ive supported them with late night talks about their worries and concerns. Helped them with school work and friend and relationship problems. We have taken them to weekend sports, after school clubs. Picked them up from parties or held parties at home for them, with sleepovers and holidays included friends. Basically I was very hands on 24/7 and my husband was at weekends, when not at work. Very '1970s' traditional family setup.

My husband had a dreadful start in life with extreme poverty and a violent father and absent mother. I had divorced parents and it was something we neither of us wanted our children to face. We have done all we can to give them a stable home life. He has worked so hard to pull himself out of his beginnings and done all he could to give his children and family a stable and loving start.

However, through nobodys fault, our eldest has learning needs and had huge meltdowns daily, when he reached puberty he was also violent. It was tough for everyone; sometimes I coped well, sometimes I did not. I'm human. Eventually we had to call 999 on him. When he got to 17 he went into residential schooling until he was 19, this was to protect the younger 2 children as much as anything. Although we are all still in touch and see each other regularly, he didn't come home after 19 because he didnt want to live with house rules (like no swearing or hitting). TBH that was a relif as our family home has been a lot calmer without his behaviour. That was 5 years ago.

My husband had cancer 7 years ago and this was also a terrible time for all of us. But again, it's nobody's fault. But it definitely affected our family life with the stress and uncertainty.

What I'm trying to say is we faced some tough times and got through as best we could, and i had hoped their lives were cushioned by all the positive things we did. Yet I'm being told on a regular basis that she had a dreadful childhood. I feel like I'm being gas lit.

Surely no parent can give an Enid Blyton utopia childhood, but we tried so hard and sacrificed so much for them. I feel like a whipping boy. I am so hurt and am now wondering if I have spoiled her and her attitude is all part of that. However, I don't want to ignore any mental health or depression either. AIBU in my feelings over this?

Two things can be true at once. You have done your utmost to give your children a happy childhood and be good parents, and life has had other ideas and thrown difficult situations at your family that have made parts of childhood traumatic for your child.
It happens. With the best will in the world, bad stuff happens to good people, even when they are children. You sadly cannot cushion every fall. Turn down your defences and listen. She’s processing it all now as it is a period of calm and that’s usually when things hit you.

The domestic violence she was exposed to, wasn't your fault. Perhaps she does need therapy to process that. But on the other hand, life looks piss easy as a fully supported teen, so they are judgemental, know-it-alls. I'd imagine the answer is somewhere in the middle and you need to put in boundaries on what you will verbally take off her.

I think teens especially can feel very sorry for themselves and blame their parents. Often there's some reality to it but also a need for acceptance and resilience. Sometimes, as you note, there can be an element of indulgent parenting (spoiling) where they haven't taken learnt to take responsibility for their own feelings and path.

I know I had plans how I was going to be great at parenting and pretty soon the reality kicked in of doing it day in day out with all the normal trials of life. I hope my kids do realise one day how much I'm doing for them and how hard it was to do it tired and sick.

I'd sit her down and tell her that you honestly did you best and you know it wasn't perfect but that's actually just life. It could be worth referring her to mental health services via your GP for some objective help. Your daughter does need to make a decision about how she wants to go about her life. At some point you can wallow in what went wrong or you can focus on the future.

You need to separate what she's saying from your own feelings of guilt.

She was exposed to domestic violence as a child and her brother had to be sent away for her protection. She also had to cope with the seriously illness of a parent. None of this is your fault, but it still happened to her and you should support her with therapy to help her navigate it.

In time, with help from the therapist, she will likely come to see that you did as much as you could to give her a pleasant childhood despite the challenges life threw at you.

But before she can get to that point, you need to look after her mental health. It's a responsibility as a parent. Just be glad she's asking for professional help rather than self-medicating with drugs or alcohol or seeking comfort from dubious online sources.

Please take pride and shame out of the equation and get her the help she needs.

Parents do not deal with violence from one sibling to another in a way that they would if it was any other perpetrator attacking their child. I realise that is because parents are put in an incredibly difficult position and it isn’t easy to navigate but that makes it very hard for the child who is being attacked.They have to deal with the emotions of their parents as well as being scared of their sibling. It is likely that there will have been things that happened that she never told you about.

Regardless of how well you dealt with it, it would have been very tough on your daughter.

Add in the worry she would have had over her father’s illness and I would say she had quite a tough time. Counselling sounds like a good idea.

Her brother was physically abusive and her father had cancer. Sounds like she has had a terrible time.

I also think it's very telling that you're not telling us her actual complaints, her words. Is it just the above, or has she said more?

It sounds like she has gone through a fair bit of trauma (her dad’s cancer, her brother being violent and sent away because of it). Those things aren’t your fault at all, but she wants a scapegoat and as her mother she knows on some level she can be horrible to you and you will love her whatever. She’s secure in that.

Therapy could really help.

My eldest did this, basically from about 14 onwards told me every way I’d failed as a parent. Similarly her sister has adhd and her brother has autism so she did get a rough deal. Lus her dad and I divorced when she was 6 and her dad has remarried twice, she has several half/step siblings. There’s been a lot of drama from that side but she idolised her dad so it was always my fault. We also had mental health issues (me) , her gran died of cancer . It was a rough time for her.

il be honest it hurt me a lot, especially as aside from the crap stuff me, dd and her sister had some lovely times and until her teens they were great pals. Outwardly I tried to acknowledge her feelings, I’d gently point out inaccuracies but I never told her feelings weren’t valid. I would go away and cry but never showed it. It started to improve from around 18 and now she’s lovely and we are very close. Weirdly her younger sister never did this.

If she feels that she wants/needs help in the form of therapy then it may be beneficial for her.

With that being said, social media is heavily promoting a trauma-based mindset and has been for a while. If it gets in your feed then you are constantly bombarded with images and videos about childhood trauma, trauma-related anxiety, trauma affecting behaviour, generational trauma etc. It's similar to the "therapists blame the parents" trope but much stronger and more widespread. That will also be contributing to her headspace.

Also she did get therapy which has helped help. She can still be up and down emotionally but some of it is hormones. (Bad pmt)

Op, just sending a bit of solidarity really I also have a 17yo who regularly has done the same, especially over the last year.

I am a single mum, have raised him on my own since two. He also lives in a nice village, nice school, mid A levels. I've provided him with the childhood I did not have. I had cancer a few years ago and managed to get through without him knowing. I have always provided a warm, happy, secure home. Suddenly I seem to be public enemy no. 1.

I'm hoping it's a phase. He told me to piss off twice this weekend so I read him the riot act. Told him he was old enough to go and find a home of his own if he could do better, do his own washing, cooking, cleaning, paying bills.

Not my best parenting moment but I'd had enough. 🙄

Let's hope they grow out of it. It certainly isn't your fault. You can only do your best. xx

Yet I'm being told on a regular basis that she had a dreadful childhood.

Her dad had cancer, her brother was violent, and in your own words you didn't cope 100% (what did this look like?)

Also you say it was a Very '1970s' traditional family setup - this may not be a good thing - again what do you mean by this?

part of me that thinks I may be pandering to a spoiled girl This is a massive red flag phrase from you - you wanf her to feel fine about her really difficult childhood to make you feel better about yourself.

i had hoped their lives were cushioned by all the positive things we did. She was a child in what sounds like a very stressful home.
Having money and being taken to activities doesn't make a safe, stable childhood. Stop judging her, start helping her understand it all (therapy) so she can move past it. Family therapy with you might work, so you listen to the reality of what that all felt like to her.

I think the first poster nailed it when they said both things can be true at once. She's lashing out at you because you are a safe person for her to do this with - she knows your love is unconditional. And teenagers can be very self absorbed, they do see everything from their own perspective and rarely from anyone else's. It's wrong for her to blame you, you did your best, but her brain is still growing and developing and she isn't capable yet of being objective or totally fair about it all.
I do think you should get her some therapy - she has had a lot to deal with and an outside person to talk it all through might be helpful. I have looked after a teen who had complex ptsd and lots of stuff bubbles to the surface once they feel safe enough to feel it - the brain cushions us from trauma until it decides we are strong enough to process it. Don't let her treat you like a battering ram, but don't dismiss her real experiences either - agree with her that some times were tough and get her help, but push back on the 'everything was terrible' narrative because that's not good for her either.

"My youngest has been vocally harsh over our parenting keeps pointing out all our failings as parents. I keep asking myself where did i go wrong? What could I have done differently?"

Well, OP, you could listen to your daughter, as she IS TELLING YOU EXACTLY THOSE THINGS.

One, that even I picked up on, is that you waited way, way too long to put your son into care, when he should have been placed when he started kicking off, not years and years later after you've allowed him to abuse his siblings.

@verycloakanddaggersnails it all, did you ever validate your daughters feelings, let have therapy so she can process what she went through. You can have all the money in the world but watching someone go through cancer and then being around domestic abuse during your developmental years can damage you. You could have been so focused of your son and husband she may of felt emotional neglect. She may only see that and not that you tried to juggle it all. Support her now as clearly she felt unsupported before. Carrying on being a good mum, and hopefully she’ll realise that you tried your best, and having your son removed from the home was a massive sacrifice you made for you all x

You say she is mid A levels. Do you mean yr13 and actually sitting A levels at the moment? Mine have both so far found this a very unsettling time. They have stress due to the exams. Total uncertainty about whether they will make the grades. Sometimes you might have total confidence but they know it just takes one bad paper. They are potentially planning to leave home in four months, but they don't know where they will be living or who they will be living with. Or trying to get a job but they can't commit to that until exams are over. That attachment bond with you as parents is being tested to see if you will still be there, whatever she says or does.

Everything you do at the moment which doesn't fall into expectations will be a testing point. As hard as it is I would try to be as steady as possible. Agree that she has had some really tough times. Acknowledge that she is moving to a new phase with a more adult/adult relationship and that may be tough at first to negotiate. Reassure her that you will always be there for her. Perhaps planning some therapy for the summer to support her in the transitions would be useful but I would probably for now adopt a 'let's have a proper discussion of this after the A levels' approach.

If she is only yr12 you have more time to talk things through. I find going for a drive or coffee can help to talk through issues.

I don't think it's fair to criticise the OP for that. Securing residential care for a child is very, very difficult and takes years. There's pretty much nothing for parents in that position, unless they happen across a charity or things get really extreme, and sometimes not even then.

That's not the younger child's fault, of course.

I agree with other posters. It sounds like your DD did have a tough childhood, and you need to acknowledge this and stop calling her spoilt. I understand it is hurtful to hear, because you tried so hard to make things perfect for her and it feels like you're being blamed for things that weren't your fault. But the fact that these things weren't your fault doesn't mean that they didn't happen. I think you would benefit from therapy too OP, as these things were very tough for you too.

She's a teen and she's stressed and she's had some pretty horrid things happen in her life through no fault of anyone's.
So she's lashing out. Your job is not to take it too personally. She's got hormones all over the place and maybe she's just reacting, maybe there's some truth in it but if she's mid exams, just try to be calm and not react too much.
It could be some form of therapy would be useful for her to work through. I wonder whether some would be good for you too? Are you trying to create the magic childhood you and your DH did not have? Because there is always going to be problems growing up, nothing is perfect. So you've done your best and yet you really smarting with her remarks, so maybe you are trying to fix something from your past too.

Good luck OP

I am of the two things can be true at the same time camp too.

You sound like a fabulous mum who truly did everything possible but also your DD has not had the idyllic you would have hoped for her.

Two things I think the idyllic childhood is rare and I’m not sure how well it sets a child up for the realities of later life and second as a parent you should never take on the role of therapist to fix this type of stuff for your child.

I strongly suggest you get her into very short term therapy with a good therapist and let her process her feelings.

"My youngest has been vocally harsh over our parenting keeps pointing out all our failings as parents. I keep asking myself where did i go wrong? What could I have done differently? It really hurts. I don't want to let her down and am listening to her there is part of me that thinks I may be pandering to a spoiled girl."

Turn down her defences and listen? Did you miss the bit where OP was up late at night listening already? It could just be this girl is a spoiled brat. Difficult things can be processed without attacking others.

It would be helpful to hear more about the daughters behaviour from @EasyEV.

She's 17. She's stressed. She's lashing at out that person who is safest and closest to her - you.

Take it all with a pinch of salt.

No one has a perfect life. No one has perfect parents. She is currently focusing on the negatives, as you do. If you're lucky she'll consider the positives by the time she's 40.

If she wants therapy, then I'm sure that can be arranged.

Where I think YABU is to say you're hurt - I understand this is how you feel but it feels too much of a 'what about me' reaction - this isn't about you, it's about her. She's working through stuff and putting it on you because you're there. As an adult you need to be safe, robust and deal with your own feelings yourself.

I’d tell her the truth. And tell yourself that too.

ie Im sorry if I ever let you down during your childhood. I truly am. I never meant to. I love you and always want the best for you. Life can be hard. Children dont come with a Haynes manual to help parents make the right decisions. I made mistakes. Human beings do. Yes let’s get you counselling.

And get yourself some too.

She's working through stuff and putting it on you because you're there. As an adult you need to be safe, robust and deal with your own feelings yourself.

She is working through stuff but I totally disagree that she gets to take it out on her mother. There needs to be boundaries here. No one approaching adulthood gets to take out their feelings in another person without consequences to that other person. Her mother is not there as a punching bag. It is up to the OP to set limits on how much of this she can tolerate and then to verbalise those limits to her daughter. It will not help her daughter in the long run to not learn that she is going to be responsible for her own emotions in the very near future. This is not a young child here.

My niece went through a similar depressive period and really took it out on her parents, especially her Dad. She hated him. It was mostly external factors in the depression, not her parents fault, although her Dad was also a bit controlling. After a few hospitalisations and involvement of crisis team she has very gradually got better over the past year. And her Dad has changed massively in the way he treats her. You could now call her 'spoilt', but it's actually helped her a lot.

So, I think your DD may just be displacing her feelings of depression onto you and definitely needs help with the depression ASAP. Whether it be counselling or medication. You also probably do have things to change. As you say, you're not perfect, so there's always growing to do. Genuinely listening, apologising when you have done something wrong even if it's 2% and hers is 98%, and not minimising her feelings would be a good place to start.