AIBU to be hurt and fed up as a parent of a teen who constantly complains?

[EasyEV]

Im actually heartbroken and feel like a failure. I'm asking for you to keep me see straight on this. My youngest has been vocally harsh over our parenting keeps pointing out all our failings as parents. I keep asking myself where did i go wrong? What could I have done differently? It really hurts. I don't want to let her down and am listening to her there is part of me that thinks I may be pandering to a spoiled girl.

I've 3 children/young adults. My youngest is 17 and mid A-Levels so very stressed and tired. She has been saying she is depressed and needs therapy because of how hard and traumatic her life has been.

We were not 100% perfect parents, but we were not terrible. I was a SAHM and their Dad provided for most of their needs - they were comfortable and in a safe pretty village. No money worries, holidays, comfort. I have cared for their physical and material needs and been there for their mental support as best I could. Ive supported them with late night talks about their worries and concerns. Helped them with school work and friend and relationship problems. We have taken them to weekend sports, after school clubs. Picked them up from parties or held parties at home for them, with sleepovers and holidays included friends. Basically I was very hands on 24/7 and my husband was at weekends, when not at work. Very '1970s' traditional family setup.

My husband had a dreadful start in life with extreme poverty and a violent father and absent mother. I had divorced parents and it was something we neither of us wanted our children to face. We have done all we can to give them a stable home life. He has worked so hard to pull himself out of his beginnings and done all he could to give his children and family a stable and loving start.

However, through nobodys fault, our eldest has learning needs and had huge meltdowns daily, when he reached puberty he was also violent. It was tough for everyone; sometimes I coped well, sometimes I did not. I'm human. Eventually we had to call 999 on him. When he got to 17 he went into residential schooling until he was 19, this was to protect the younger 2 children as much as anything. Although we are all still in touch and see each other regularly, he didn't come home after 19 because he didnt want to live with house rules (like no swearing or hitting). TBH that was a relif as our family home has been a lot calmer without his behaviour. That was 5 years ago.

My husband had cancer 7 years ago and this was also a terrible time for all of us. But again, it's nobody's fault. But it definitely affected our family life with the stress and uncertainty.

What I'm trying to say is we faced some tough times and got through as best we could, and i had hoped their lives were cushioned by all the positive things we did. Yet I'm being told on a regular basis that she had a dreadful childhood. I feel like I'm being gas lit.

Surely no parent can give an Enid Blyton utopia childhood, but we tried so hard and sacrificed so much for them. I feel like a whipping boy. I am so hurt and am now wondering if I have spoiled her and her attitude is all part of that. However, I don't want to ignore any mental health or depression either. AIBU in my feelings over this?

Quick answer is because He is my child as much as my other two are my children. He behaved as he did / does because of SEN which isn't his fault. He genuinely doesn't see his own part to play in situations. His understanding of sequences and consequences is very limited. He will hold on to a 'slight' from someone and escalate it in his mind and react badly. He perceives his reaction to be reasonable and becomes even more angry and frustrated when he gets told off for his reaction.

At first meeting nobody would be able to tell he had SEN, but over time it becomes apparent. He is very literal and doesn't have a sense of humour. He doesn't jest or have banter at all; in fact he reacts badly to it.

This frustrates my daughter and my son. It is a major barrier to building a relationship with him. Although Nottingham as big a barrier as him not acknowledging his behaviour when he was growing up!

Stable? She had to have a lock on her door to protect her from her brother and her mother became suicidal having to deal with it. Her father then went through an awful time with cancer. How is any of that stable? She’s now having to navigate teen years, which are a nightmare, as well as sit important exams. She’s clearly going through it!

So unless you’re living 5 to a room, which is most people, you’re not allowed to have had any kind of traumatic childhood. Got it. You’ve clearly missed your calling as a therapist. Trauma exists in all walks of life. Quite clearly did not grow up in a utopia.

I think that arranging therapy for her is a good step forward. She has definitely experienced trauma due to her brother's behavior - you and your DH have done your best in very challenging circumstances, but realistically, there was only so much that you could do until your DS went into residential care. It's no one's "fault."

Therapy/counseling will help her to express her feelings to a neutral person and come to terms with them.

Also, is she planning on going to university? After two years at uni, my DD (20) appreciates her home life far more than she did at 17/18, because she's now met people from far more challenging backgrounds. Apparently, some of her friends have quite unpleasant, unsupportive parents, are on very limited budgets, etc. and it's made DD realize that even though we're not perfect, we're definitely on her side and will always help her if we can, IYSWIM. She's actually said that she now realizes how lucky she is (shock)!

She's got a disabled brother and her dad got ill. In-between family holidays, timely mortgage payments and hot meals. Really. She's cool.

This is very reminiscent of the stately homes thread

How are you disciplining her for her rudeness? Fine there are extenuating circumstances and that needs dealing with separately but she still needs to know there are boundaries around how she treats you. Both things can be true at the same time

Even though it isn't anyone's fault that a disability or cancer happened, it did cause trauma and I do think you are taking it too personally.

My eldest is younger, he's about to turn 12 and he could be saying similar things at that age except it was his brother who got cancer and is now disabled because of it. His brother had some complications and almost died before the cancer could even be treated and I had to sit down my then 10 year old son and tell him that his brother probably wasn't going to live. Watching a sibling or a parent or anyone close to you go through cancer is traumatic enough for adults, never mind children.

My son has had some counselling and he goes to a group for siblings of children who have had or have cancer which also helps because he felt so alone at first. He has talked about feeling jealous of the attention his brother got but then feeling guilty because obviously no one asked for this.

She isn't talking about your actual parenting, she's talking about circumstances out of anyone's control and having a SAHM and holidays isn't going to take away the trauma of having a violent brother and watching her dad go through cancer.