To leave with my son?

[WhatDoIDoNow12345]

My partner and I have recently split after eight years together. We have a little boy, 2 years old, and my stepson, my ex’s son from a previous relationship, also lived with us full-time. The boys are very close and my son has a strong bond with his dad.

The breakup has been messy. While we have many beautiful memories, I now see that I was emotionally abused throughout much of the relationship, and that dynamic hasn’t ended just because the relationship did.

Right now, our son and I are still living in my ex’s house, while he and my stepson are staying with his parents. It’s been this way for a few months as I try to find somewhere affordable to live.

Even with child maintenance, the reality is grim: I can only afford a small studio for my son and me. I work full-time from home, but I can’t afford nursery, so I’m doing it all with a toddler beside me and no support. My ex’s parents are elderly and not able to help, and my ex cannot take our son overnight. Realistically, he would only see our son on Saturdays or Sundays.

So here’s my dilemma. I’m burning out. I’m doing everything alone, all the time. I feel like I’m entirely sacrificing my mental health so my son can maintain a weekly connection with his dad and brother - something that does matter, deeply. But I’m exhausted, unhappy, and I think my son senses that. My ex is also experiencing burnout and health issues, making contact a lot more limited.

I miss my home country deeply. There, I’d be able to live with my mum (who my son adores), afford good childcare, and have a real support system. I'd be able to breathe again. Maybe even see friends now and then. That thought feels like a luxury.

I’m trying so hard to stay - for my son’s relationship with his dad and brother - but I’m questioning whether it’s sustainable.

Here are the pros and cons as I see them:

Staying (current country):

• Son keeps weekly contact with his dad and brother
• Familiar environment for son
• Avoids disrupting current custody dynamic
• But: I have no support, no respite, and can barely afford housing or childcare

Leaving (home country):

• Son and I live with my mum (strong bond, stable home)
• Can afford high-quality childcare
• I’d have a support system and space to recover
• Better quality of life for both of us
• But: Son sees dad and brother much less, possibly just during holidays

So.... what should I do?
YABU - Stay
YANBU - Move back home

This sounds tough OP - but your ex would be contributing to your nursery and housing costs wouldn't he? It's not all financially on you, although the system for forcing men to pay is useless.

And free childcare comes in soon: "n September 2025, working parents in England can access up to 30 hours of free childcare for children aged 9 months to school age. This expansion will replace the existing 15 hours offered to working parents of children under 3. The 30 hours will be available for 38 weeks of the year, during term time. "

So a few questions:
are you in the UK - if so can you access funded childcare
can you present as homeless to the council and get housed that way in at least a 1-2 bed property
If you can only afford a studio on full time working why are you not eligible for benefits of some kind

Can your mum come over for a bit to help you rest and recover a bit?

Just to add - if you really can't make it work then the sooner the better I think, while he is young. Does he understand your home language?

Also count in if your ex fights you on this you may not be able to move.

Is your ex likely to give permission for you to move with your DS?

If he doesn't then a court is unlikely to over rule that.

It may not be up to you. If your ex doesn’t give permission for you to take the child out of the country you may be stopped from doing so by a court. Just make sure before acting so you don’t get in big trouble.

OP are you married? Is he on the birth certificate? You are going to have to get some legal advice when you have made up your mind. You will need a CAO in place for custody arrangements. This is important if you travel back to your home country regularly, the CAO will allow you to take DS out of the country for holidays etc

Will ExP allow you to take DS to your home country to live?

If he will allow you to go then just go. You can’t work with a toddler beside you.

Why can’t he look after your ds? Working in a small space looking after a toddler is not sustainable. Do you not qualify for any free childcare hours? Would your ex not pay cms towards his care and nursery?

Will you need ex’s permission to leave the country?

Will he agree to you going?

It sounds a very tough situation, but presumably some of the constraints are limited.
For example, once Ex moves back into his own house, he should be able to have DS for overnights and not only at the weekend. In the meantime, he and SS could come at the weekend at have DS t the house while you go off somewhere.
Ex could be more flexible in terms of having DS at his parents house - a 2 year old can share a bed with their dad, or Dad could sleep on the sofa/floor and the 2 boys could share.
You might be entitled to benefits if you can't earn enough to house you and DS properly. Ex could up the maintenance to help with accommodation costs.
I'd be raising these possibilities with with Ex, and his response might help you decide what to do.

You would need his permission to take his son to live in another country OP- this is not just your decision to make. And given he was born here, his dad & sibling are here & here is what he knows, dad has a strong case to tell you no.

Jeez, I mean, how would you feel if he decided to take your DS to live overseas so you could only see him occasionally? I think that’s untenable and I’d do anything to stop it. There are plenty of childcare/financial/housing options that can be explored before going to that extreme. Sure you want to be with your mum and will talk up that bond accordingly, but this is your DS’s dad and step brother. Unless he’s a danger or something you’ve not said, there’s no way that moving countries is the best option for your DS.

I do agree with presenting yourself as homeless too, which you are really. You might need to take temporary accommodation for a while. For how long depends on where you live.

This. You cannot just take his son away. Hopefully the courts will not allow you.

You need the sign up for UC. They will pay for 80% of your child care and a child element as well as contributing to your rent . You can earn what you like to claim the child element of UC.

If your ex agrees with it and you can afford to fly your child back very regularly to see his dad and brother then fine. If both those things aren’t likely then no, you should not take your son and run away from his parent. Are you in the UK?

Are you entitled to Universal Credit, you'd get help with housing up to your local lha rate and 85% reimbursement of your childcare costs. You be entitled to a 2 bed , have a look at the gov uk website. https://lha-direct.voa.gov.uk/

I think while you want to be in your home country and feel it would be best for you, there's no way being taken so far away from one parent is better for your son. He needs a close relationship with his dad and brother just as much as he needs you. You need to explore what help you can get with childcare and housing.

A few things that have been raised:

1. Income: This would be outing if detailed, but I am taking an insanely massive hit financially at the moment as I got an opportunity that is a perfect segue into the industry I want to work in, and I earn basically nothing and therefore am not eligible for any free hours of childcare
2. Universal Credit: I am not sure I am eligible due to my current situation but will have to have a second look, thank you
3. His dad: He is struggling massively lately and was initially the one that suggested me going home for a few months. I think if I raised the idea of moving for good, he would be open to it if planned properly. Just wanted to know if this idea was bad before even raising it with him. We are not married. My son is used to me doing all bedtimes - recently, ex tried putting him to sleep and staying with him for the entire night whilst I was somewhere else, and he basically screamed all night. I said this was natural and to be expected and that he would get used to it with time as my ex is a safe presence to him, but my ex struggled so much he said he wouldn't be able to cope with it again due to existing health problems. So there's not much I can argue there

To point 3, your son is only 2. This period of tricky bedtimes won't last long and he'll never get used to his dad if he leaves the country. But if you sever that connection, which leaving the country will do even with the best of intentions, your DS will lose that whole side of his life and never have a functional relationship with his father. It's one thing when a father absconds or passes away and such a relationship isn't possible. It's another to decide to nix it for your own needs. Because none of the obstacles to staying are insurmountable, and your ex suggesting you go home short-term is very different to a life without him in it. Sorry, but I just hear that you want to move back and the other reasons are all in service of that really, and important though your support network is, it's not as important as your DS having his dad around as a constant in his life. If you're wanting your parent around now as an adult, why would you not want your DS to grow up with both his parents around if that were at all possible?

And presumbly the segue into the career you want is also short-term so the financial hit isn't going to last, and could be managed if you were so motivated. This does all sound more like what you want to do than what you have to do.

Also to note - plenty of dads who live in the same house in happy marriages can struggle to put a DC to bed when they're used to the mum doing it. It's just another hurdle of parenting to push through and manage. Not a signal to give up and leave the country. My DS was totally into me at that age but now is much closer to his dad (which I'm fine with!). Kids need different things at different stages, but his preference for your at age 2 is not how it's always going to be.