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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

TW: CSA | To still be upset by what my dad said a couple of years ago?

34 replies

ShadowTheHedgehog · 18/05/2025 12:08

Me and my dad have never really had much of a real relationship. My parents split when I was around 7 and I'd go to his on weekends. The weekends became every other weekend, then once a month or not at all. He'd always promise he would come and see me and I'd sit at the window waiting for him and he wouldn't come. One weekend, I was finally staying at his and I was so happy, he then tells me that he's leaving (he moved from England to Wales). He left because he got another woman pregnant whilst he was still with my mom, and then a few weeks after he left, my sibling was born.

My mother and I started to visit some relatives on her side as she had been told one of her elderly relatives was terminally ill. After the terminally ill relative passed away, we continued to make trips to see the family during easter holidays, christmas etc. I began to experience CSA (my "cousin", he is 4 years older than me). It took me a while before I told my mom, she was in bits.

My mom called my dad to tell him what happened and he never called to ask about me and didn't come back to see me.

Anyway, a couple of years ago me and my dad were having a conversation in the car and I asked him "why did you not come back when that was happening to me?" and he told me "you just weren't my priority at the time".

This eats me up inside and sometimes makes me feel worthless. But I also feel like I should get over it as the conversation was a couple of years ago, on the other hand, I wasn't important enough to him, during one of the most traumatising moments in my life, after he had just walked out on us too. I just don't know how to move forward from this and I feel that it's silly and unreasonable to still be thinking about it.

OP posts:
TheSlantedOwl · 18/05/2025 12:10

Don’t let this affect your self esteem OP - HE is the one who should feel shame, he’s totally inadequate.

He can fuck off. Substandard bastard.

Sending a hug.

Branleuse · 18/05/2025 12:15

I think your dad clearly wouldnt know how to prioritise anything other than his own dick.
You are so much better than him. He says something like that so flippantly, as if its just nothing, but you are still replaying those words. He is callous. I don't think he will ever be the father you needed. Im glad you had your mum in your corner.
None of this is your fault.

freshpyjamas · 18/05/2025 12:16

He can fuck off. He’s a shit parent and a shit person. This is a him problem OP, you are better off without the twat.

Sahara123 · 18/05/2025 12:16

It’s horrible how these comments from someone who is supposed to love you more than anything stick with you isn’t it. Mine was being told that I never had anything interesting to say when I was about 18 and trying my best to talk to this parent . Still hurts and it’s probably nearly 50 years ago now!
Sometimes I think that this parent just wasn’t very happy and had mental health issues. And then other times I think what a nasty thing to say to a shy teenager. It’s definitely not you OP, that was a thoughtless, horrible thing to say. Ideally you’d say it was him, not you, and try to forget about it, but that is very much easier said than done x

Evaka · 18/05/2025 12:17

God, what a piece of shit. Im so sorry OP. He didn't deserve to have children at all. I hope you find peace x

QueenOfSwedenRose · 18/05/2025 12:17

You did nothing wrong then and now. Only him. Only blame him. Not yourself

ShadowTheHedgehog · 18/05/2025 12:19

Thanks all. Im 26 now and some days I just feel like a scared little kid all over again

OP posts:
mindutopia · 18/05/2025 12:22

But it wasn’t a conversation. It was a whole period of your life when you needed his protection and support. And he abandoned you. Of course, it’s okay to feel angry. Actually, the only normal healthy response is anger and rejection.

When I disclosed my experiences of abuse to my mum as an adult, her response was, I always expected this sort of thing from you. And then she gave me the silent treatment and didn’t speak to me for three months.

We are NC now. Therapy helped tremendously. I can’t recommend enough how important it is to have someone outside your family validate your feelings and experiences. It was almost like I didn’t realise how f-ing weird it was to not care that your child was abused until someone else showed me how a normal healthy person should respond.

sprigatito · 18/05/2025 12:22

Just make damn sure he is never your priority, nor that of your children. He has forfeited his right to a loving family. I’m so sorry OP, I know that however much we tell you he is a faulty human being and his deficiencies are no reflection on you, you’re still going to carry that dark spot on your heart. I have a mother who is incapable of love, so I know how bleak it is. I have found healing in giving my children the emotional foundations I didn’t have.

ChimpanzeeThatMonkeyNews · 18/05/2025 12:24

Branleuse · 18/05/2025 12:15

I think your dad clearly wouldnt know how to prioritise anything other than his own dick.
You are so much better than him. He says something like that so flippantly, as if its just nothing, but you are still replaying those words. He is callous. I don't think he will ever be the father you needed. Im glad you had your mum in your corner.
None of this is your fault.

🎯

Snorlaxo · 18/05/2025 12:25

Not the point of your thread but I’m surprised that you have contact with your dad considering his behaviour in your childhood.

I am very sorry about what happened to you but I am not surprised that someone who could callously decrease contact with a child is downplaying the awful things that happened to you and twisting his lack of concern into him having more urgent priorities. You need to remind yourself that he’s a cold selfish man who can’t be relied on. He’s not sorry for his behaviour in the past and need to protect yourself by having no expectations of fatherly behaviour from him. I understand why you’re hunting for signs that he loves and cares for you despite being so absent but don’t try and clutch at straws that aren’t there 💐

Sahara123 · 18/05/2025 12:26

sprigatito · 18/05/2025 12:22

Just make damn sure he is never your priority, nor that of your children. He has forfeited his right to a loving family. I’m so sorry OP, I know that however much we tell you he is a faulty human being and his deficiencies are no reflection on you, you’re still going to carry that dark spot on your heart. I have a mother who is incapable of love, so I know how bleak it is. I have found healing in giving my children the emotional foundations I didn’t have.

Yes, that’s a good point, I consciously treat my children in a loving and caring way. I adore them and make sure they know it. Although frankly I can’t imagine being any other way with them , but there you go !

midtownmum · 18/05/2025 12:26

Jesus. Of course that's stuck with you. I'm sorry you had such a limited, inadequate father, you deserve better. But this is 100% about his limitations, not yours. His failures do not say anything at all about your worth.

HeronTwist · 18/05/2025 12:36

I’m somehow only just learning as an adult that some men have this capacity to be a caring parent to a child, then somehow switch that off and become dad to another baby and drop the old one. It must be something in their DNA that helped their chances of passing on their genes, because I have seen a lot of men do this, and I just can’t understand it.
In other words, it’s not you, it’s him. He was interested in the new woman and playing father to her new baby. No doubt he ended up being a crap dad to them too.
you deserve better. Xxx

WildflowerConstellations · 18/05/2025 12:38

OP you do not need to get over this because it was some time ago. It's also part of a pattern isn't it, where he has not considered your feelings the way a parent should. Even a lazy, selfish parent should be able to be there for their child when something as serious as this happens. But he's no good. It's not good enough. You deserve better and always did! You really don't have to keep up a relationship with him, he wasn't a parent to you.

Lottapianos · 18/05/2025 12:47

'Im 26 now and some days I just feel like a scared little kid all over again'

Please believe me when I say that most people feel like this, at least some of the time. I'm 45 and often feel scared and vulnerable

What your dad said to you was really dreadful. He sounds cold, selfish and heartless. A comment like that isn't something you just 'get over' and as a previous poster said, it's not just one comment, it's a whole pattern of letting you down and being a shit father.

I have had issues with emotionally neglectful parents and I can't recommend therapy enough. Psychodynamic psychotherapy in particular. It really helped me to learn my own self worth and to slowly distance myself from my parents. It was a very painful process but ultimately incredibly healing x

Apora · 18/05/2025 12:49

What a monster. You should have been his priority. Why do you continue to see him?

ihaterunning111 · 18/05/2025 12:51

@ShadowTheHedgehog Hi I just wanted to drop by and say that you should find a good therapist if you haven't already. Sending my best wishes x

BangersAndGnash · 18/05/2025 12:54

He let you down when you were a child, and he let you down by not apologising and admitting how wrong he was when you brought it up.

It isn't you, it's him.

It doesn't matter that it is a long time ago.

Have you had any counselling for the way your Dad has treated you and for the CSA?

It my help you decide what to do - shrug and forgive / go no contact / write him a letter telling him how he has made you feel / other options.

But you are your priority to yourself. Everything you have achieved has been your own work and ability. Happinesses you have are down to you and those who have behaved better. Be proud of yourself - you don't need his selfish validation to be strong and proud.

Bestfootforward11 · 18/05/2025 13:03

I’m sorry. Your dad is callous, selfish and not deserving of you in his life. I suspect you turn the rejection inwards and maybe search for what you did ‘wrong’ or why you were not deserving of being his priority. But he is the one who did wrong in a way that is unforgivable. I honestly don’t think he should be your priority right now. His continuing behaviour places himself front and centre without regard for others. I think it would be worth doing some kind of therapy or counselling to work things out in your own head. On the face of it, continuing contact seems likely to lead to more pain rather than the love and support you whole heartedly deserve. All the best x

SherlocksHome · 18/05/2025 13:12

He isn’t your dad. He’s your biological father.

You can’t make sense of how he treated you because you’re a normal, loving, decent human being. He is none of these things.

Hard as it is, try and take the emotion out of it. Don’t think of him as your dad. He’s just a really shitty man who doesn’t deserve a second more of your headspace or attention.

ShadowTheHedgehog · 18/05/2025 13:57

Hi all thanks for your messages. I had a bit of therapy as a teen for the CSA but I got too scared and embarrassed to actually tell the therapist what happened so never got that far and I just stopped going. As for why do I still see him? I guess it's tricky. We go for periods of not talking and then he reaches out and seems to make an effort, then something happens to upset me and I go quiet. Then he'll reach out again and we go in this cycle. I have no issues setting boundaries with other folks but with him it seems too hard, then sometimes I get a wave of guilt and think about when he eventually passes away.

OP posts:
outingouting · 18/05/2025 14:12

That he can say those words and not hang his head in deep shame and regret says everything you need to know about him.

I’m sorry your dad is so shit.

you are still young - the words and abuse is relatively recent. If it’s any consolation I’ve got 20 years on you and have made some sort of peace with my CSA and my family.

when I was your age I focused on developing a fun, kind and supportive social group whom I still rely on. Do you have friends who can support you and enjoy life with?

DoItLikeAWoman · 19/05/2025 17:22

I wouldn’t be able to respect a person like this as a parent at all. He will never be a priority - especially not in his old age.

tripleginandtonic · 19/05/2025 17:27

He's given you an honest answer at least. Personally I don't think that would make me feel very loving towards him.