TW: CSA | To still be upset by what my dad said a couple of years ago?

[ShadowTheHedgehog]

Me and my dad have never really had much of a real relationship. My parents split when I was around 7 and I'd go to his on weekends. The weekends became every other weekend, then once a month or not at all. He'd always promise he would come and see me and I'd sit at the window waiting for him and he wouldn't come. One weekend, I was finally staying at his and I was so happy, he then tells me that he's leaving (he moved from England to Wales). He left because he got another woman pregnant whilst he was still with my mom, and then a few weeks after he left, my sibling was born.

My mother and I started to visit some relatives on her side as she had been told one of her elderly relatives was terminally ill. After the terminally ill relative passed away, we continued to make trips to see the family during easter holidays, christmas etc. I began to experience CSA (my "cousin", he is 4 years older than me). It took me a while before I told my mom, she was in bits.

My mom called my dad to tell him what happened and he never called to ask about me and didn't come back to see me.

Anyway, a couple of years ago me and my dad were having a conversation in the car and I asked him "why did you not come back when that was happening to me?" and he told me "you just weren't my priority at the time".

This eats me up inside and sometimes makes me feel worthless. But I also feel like I should get over it as the conversation was a couple of years ago, on the other hand, I wasn't important enough to him, during one of the most traumatising moments in my life, after he had just walked out on us too. I just don't know how to move forward from this and I feel that it's silly and unreasonable to still be thinking about it.

Tell him.

“Dad, you said last visit that when Inwas 7 and being abused by my cousin I ‘just wasn’t your priority’. That’s been an upsetting thing to think about. Do you think there’s any point staying in touch if you don’t actually care enough to try and keep me safe? I’m just wondering about the future.”

Naturally! Nurture and love that little kid and tell her it's going to be ok. I'm serious - self compassion is a thing and it can be really helpful after trauma.

Thanks all for your input. Im not sure why I still see him or have a relationship with him. Im not sure if I want to but don't really know how to "get out" of it

You want him to prioritise you. It will never happen. Go no contact for your own sake. Go back to therapy.

Spend some time thinking about what you want, how to comfort and reassure- just prioritise- that scared little girl who still lives inside you. Just that alone will give you strength.

Then look at him and decide whether you want what he is offering. To me, he doesn’t sound as though he has anything you need.

In the meantime don’t contact him, just respond if you want to if when he contacts you.

I'm so sorry op, that's awful and I can understand why you feel the way you do.

It reminds me of the song Mother, by John Lennon. He basically wrote the song to let go of the mother that abandoned him as a kid, which messed him up most of his life. I think that most people in your situation do come to the same conclusion that they are better off letting go. You're never going to get what you need from him, the few crumbs he throws you every so often when it suits him are an insult and not worth it. I'm not surprised you keep shutting down, it's called self-preservation, you don't want to get hurt again. Don't give him another chance.

Surely this is the impetus you need to stop feeling any guilt if you stop seeing your dad. He was an absolutely shit parent to you when you were a child and he isn't much better now. His remark is so cruel and self-centred, it took my breath away. He should be ashamed of himself but he sounds like one of those people who don't do shame.

Go back to therapy, OP. I experienced CSA when I was ten, and at 52, I’m only really starting to deal with it. There’s nothing remotely “silly’ about being heartbroken your father was so totally inadequate when you needed him. My own parents knew about the CSA and chose to do nothing. It would have been ‘making a fuss’. I only discovered this accidentally in adulthood, and it’s a huge, horrible thing to process.

Get therapy, and never see or speak to him ever again in your entire life. You are worth SO MUCH MORE than this subhuman shit stain. I wish you peace, and healing ❤️