To not want to see DP's friends anymore?

[Whatinthedoopla]

My partner and I have 2 DC, both are toddlers.

During the first year of having our first baby, it was really hard on us, we didn't have any local support from family or friends, the house we lived in was really small. We argued quite a bit because of this, but we moved closer to family, and into a bigger house and it became a lot better.

In the past when my DP gets frustrated with me/kids, he tells his friend what happened. I would get annoyed by this because I feel like his friends will now start disliking me, they have even messaged him asking if we are right together. I asked him to stop giving them details of our arguments, they can know the surface level details only, they don't tell my DP details of their own family arguements, so why does he have to do it. He says it's because he doesn't have anywhere else. I mention to him he has Mumsnet, Reddit, a counselor. I do these things - purposely do not tell my family or friends anything to ensure they don't look at him badly.

Now he has gone off and given details to his friend about the arguements we had when we had our first baby, like as if they happend yesterday! I said to my DP that it happened ages ago, and it was our worst year, why do I need to be judged for it by his friend.

My DP has many faults, and is not perfect.

I have said to him that he can continue to talk about me to his friend, which I actually don't care about, I just ask that I never see them again.

My DP is willing to break off our relationship because of this, but can't look at his friends in the face knowing that they only know his side of the story and has painted me as the monster and him as the saint!

I talk to my friends about my marriage sometimes for support, they don't go messaging DH though (that does seem strange). Is it that hard not to see them?

One of his friends are getting married, and I've said I don't want to go, but he insists that I have to

People should not be prevented from going to their friends for support. That's controlling and abusive, asking someone to keep quiet about how you treat them. If you don't want your partner telling their friends awful things about how you treat them, treat them better.

That said, if your partner is exaggerating, lying or ONLY telling them bad things without admitting their part in it repeatedly, the issue is your partner. It becomes a smear campaign. They WANT their friends to think negatively of you, and that is also abusive.

If he's doing the latter, you do need to leave, because it's purposeful and won't stop.

A kind YABU. It's normal to get things off your chest with friends and can actually be very helpful in helping see things from a different perspective. Most relationships have frustrations and arguments and as long as your partner isn't being dishonest in what he tells his friends, and as long as your behaviour isn't actually beyond the pale, they won't think you're a monster.

The latter is what is happening, and I did ask him to message his friend with details about what he did, and he said he wouldn't.

He can talk to whomever he wants for support. You need to stop trying to control that. You sound very immature

I’ve talked to friends/family about rows with dh before but they don’t slate him nor do they think badly of him. Either his friends are terrible at supporting him and getting too overly invested or he’s making himself the victim and exaggerating his side sp they think your awful or you are really poorly treating him and they feel he needs to get out of there.

One question is why is he reporting all this back to you? I don’t go back to dh and tell him what my friends said or even that I spoke to them that would be massively unhelpful. Of course you will feel awkward around them. It’s your choice whether to separate yourself from his friends but it will only fuel the fire that you are a bad person. It would be better to show a United front and let them see what your relationship is actually like. If they are rude to you then you have a legitimate reason not to spend time together.

This all seems a bit weird.

Talking to good friends about your relationship issues is normal. Most people do this. You just wanting him to use Reddit, Mumsnet or a counsellor seems a little controlling and extreme.

Him lying to his mates about you and bringing up resolved issues from ages ago also seems petty and ridiculous. Why would your DH want to purposely bring up old arguments just for the purpose of making you look bad? That's a red flag.

Sounds like you should both go to couples counselling. Both of you are showing unreasonable behaviour.

He doesn't appear to have lied - at least OP didn't mention that in her first post.

they don't tell my DP details of their own family arguements

I don’t have “family arguments” or at least very very rarely. Perhaps, shock, this friend is the same

@Etaerio read her third post

It seems an odd sense of priority to focus on this rather than the glaringly obvious issue that you’re in an unhappy relationship

He's allowed to talk to his friends. It's completely normal. You sound like you're trying to control the situation which is unfair on him.

Well this sounds like a joyous environment for children to grow up in op

is this the partner you started the thread entitled “I think he hates me”

because presuming it is, good grief OP - this relationship” is more akin to two enemies living under the same roof and raising children together

I did. The relevant part is where she agrees with the statement of the previous comment: "That said, if your partner is exaggerating, lying or ONLY telling them bad things without admitting their part in it repeatedly, the issue is your partner. It becomes a smear campaign. " Given that her initial post did not mention lying, and indeed seemed upset about the detail of the recollection of arguments, it seems reasonable to infer that OP was agreeing to the third part of the suggested scenario: that is, ONLY telling them bad things without admitting their part in it. If OP's partner had been lying, that would surely be front and centre of her post.

My friends are my rock when DH and I go through turbulent times, and they offload to me about their love lives. You can't tell someone they're not allowed to offload their feelings to people. It seems to me the bigger issue you have is your DH is feeding back what his friends are saying to him as advice, which isn't necessary for him to do. I sincerely doubt his friends dislike you or even give you much thought outside of the conversations they've had with your DH. Wanting to cut off contact with them because of this is also extreme - it's your DH who's the issue by stirring ill-feeling between you and his friends, not the friends themselves.

Rather than tell your DH he isn't allowed to speak to his friends or that you don't want to see them, can you instead tell him you're not interested in any feedback they've given and that you don't want to know about any discussions he's had with his friends? The only opinion that should matter to you is your DH's when it comes to conflict resolution.

I’d never say anything that would encourage my friends to see my partner in a bad light. My first loyalty is to him and I don’t bitch about him. None of my friends badmouth their partners and I’d feel really uncomfortable if they did. My DP and I sort our problems out together, not by me bitching about him to my friends. If you’re having so many problems that this is an issue then you need to look more closely at the quality of your relationship and ask if it’s something you really want long term.

I would absolutely not give my friends or family details of the (rare) arguments I have with my wife- I think that's a very shitty, disloyal thing to do. (Except for the time we had a row over toothpaste, because that was hilarious and we were both being deeply unreasonable!)

It really sounds like neither you nor your partner are very happy in your relationship, @Whatinthedoopla. In your position, I'd tell him you want to go to couple's counselling. If he's not willing to do that, I'd consider leaving.

I think it is good your partner has friends for support over mumsnet & reddit. I think some boundaries should be in place in what is shared but you may have gone too far with the ultimatums. Try not to care what other people might think and live your life.

As a pp said, I’d be focusing on the fact that this seems to be a deeply unhappy relationship rather than on him seeking support from his friends.

That is quite honestly most threads on MN 🤣.

There are so many times I would love to hear the other side of story, because I suspect most posts berating their partners, are floating in exaggeration with details omitted that might sway posters to not sympathise as much.

In my group of close friends, we all have a moan about our spouses on occasion, I think that's normal! I know their partners well and know that they have good points as well and that the relationships are generally happy, we all go through rough patches though and a good friend will listen and support. It sounds like you and your partner have bigger problems than the general niggles about everyday stuff though. Maybe his friends are genuinely concerned that the relationship is bad for him?

You know the truth about the relationship op and that is the important thing.

everyone knows to listen to a moaning spouse with a bit of a pinch of salt. Unless you are actually awful/abusive then you are overthinking the issue of him talking to his friends about you… so long as he is doing that in a normal/ non controlling way.

do you come from a family that never talks about things?

me and my ex had this difference…. It was one of the big reasons he is an ex. He cared far more about what I said about our relationship than the relationship itself .. he wouldn’t have cared if I was as miserable as sin… as long as I never told anyone!

My DH is you in this scenario. Sometimes in the middle of an argument he will comment on how he expects I will run off to bitch to my mates about him.

I do get support from my mates. I dont have family nearby and they are my support network. We whinge, moan and offer each other advice but crucially we also move on. One friend very regularly bitches about her useless DH but i meet him regularly to socialise as families and think hes lovely, funny etc. I dont judge him based on her rants. I listen to her and offer advice if she wants it and focus on my own life. We are grown ups and we understand relationships arent perfect, we hear only one version of events, that its good to let of steam but we also know when to mind our own business and move on.

I have explained this to my DH. He is stilll a bit sensitive to it but he grew up in an environment where conflict/challenege was not allowed (by his authoritarian father), and you didnt share feelings or problems. Maybe look back at how conflict was handled in your household and ask yourself why this is bothering you so much?

Your DH is not wrong and you may just have to accept he does things differently to you.

Dont take the step of cutting out his mates before you look hard at this and why you are feeling the way you do (angry, paranoid, ashamed?….)