To not want to see DP's friends anymore?

[Whatinthedoopla]

My partner and I have 2 DC, both are toddlers.

During the first year of having our first baby, it was really hard on us, we didn't have any local support from family or friends, the house we lived in was really small. We argued quite a bit because of this, but we moved closer to family, and into a bigger house and it became a lot better.

In the past when my DP gets frustrated with me/kids, he tells his friend what happened. I would get annoyed by this because I feel like his friends will now start disliking me, they have even messaged him asking if we are right together. I asked him to stop giving them details of our arguments, they can know the surface level details only, they don't tell my DP details of their own family arguements, so why does he have to do it. He says it's because he doesn't have anywhere else. I mention to him he has Mumsnet, Reddit, a counselor. I do these things - purposely do not tell my family or friends anything to ensure they don't look at him badly.

Now he has gone off and given details to his friend about the arguements we had when we had our first baby, like as if they happend yesterday! I said to my DP that it happened ages ago, and it was our worst year, why do I need to be judged for it by his friend.

My DP has many faults, and is not perfect.

I have said to him that he can continue to talk about me to his friend, which I actually don't care about, I just ask that I never see them again.

My DP is willing to break off our relationship because of this, but can't look at his friends in the face knowing that they only know his side of the story and has painted me as the monster and him as the saint!

Sounds like he is setting you up to fail.

YABU to think you can stipulate who DP can confide in.

If them talking about how you act, or react or how you treat them puts you in a bad light - surely that's on you?

Regardless if that treatment happened last week or last year, it's obviously unresolved with them, just because you want them to put up, shut up and suck it up doesn't make it right.

YABU

How do you know what he’s said to them, what they have said back etc?

It depends how they behave towards you. On the face of it, him telling them about you wouldn't make me want to never see them again. Private chats between him and his friends aren't really anything to do with you, so unless they're being rude to you, I'd just be pleasant to them.

There are some of my dh's friends who I don't like, but that's because of a very complicated history I had with them before I even started dating dh. I don't mind if he talks about me to them though and I hope they support him (jury's out on how actually supportive they are, but that's up to dh)

Dictating what he can tell other people and driving a wedge between him and his friends is abusive and controlling behaviour.

I tell my friend about all of the arguments I have with DH, this is maybe once every couple of years, if that. So if she was relaying weekly arguments to me then it would look like I wasn’t telling her anything - but in reality it’s unhealthy and unusual to have arguments this often and both you and your DH need someone who loves you outside of the relationship to give you that perspective.

I guess I’m in the minority here, but I don’t think it’s good to involve other people in all your arguments as a couple. I don’t argue with my wife that often, but if we do it’s extremely rare I tell anyone else as I don’t want to negatively influence anyone else’s opinion of her, plus it’s our private business.

If I do tell anyone else, usually it’s just a light hearted comment of yeah we’ve argued about that too.

I don’t think it’s good to involve other people in every argument or disagreement you have because your friends and family are likely to be biased so won’t give great advice, it also invites gossip and your partner can’t provide their side of the story so it’s not fair.

But you seem not to need any support. Op's husband may

I think you’re both being a bit odd.

You can’t tell him not to talk to his friends about his problems, that’s harsh. I love that my friends and I can vent to each other and it’s a non-judgemental environment. It’s a normal thing to do. You suggesting he goes on forums to vent is a bit controlling and daft as, I’m sure many people get way more value from actually talking to people they know and having those in person conversations with people who care.

His wrongdoing in my opinion, is that he’s telling you he’s doing it. And telling you his friends are texting him asking if the relationship is okay. Why is he doing that? What’s the need? I’ll have little vents about my partner to my friends, just to get little issues off my chest, but then I don’t go home and tell him I’ve done it. It’s unecessary.

I might be misunderstanding things but it sounds like the talking to his friends about arguments is something that is happening frequently. If so, I think the first issue is addressing the reason for all these arguments as it doesn’t sound healthy for arguments to be happening so often, it suggests there is a fundamental problem in the relationship that needs to be resolved. It sounds a little like by telling people about things and then feeding back to you, he’s trying to prove to you that you are ‘wrong’ and the one that is to blame. Telling him not to tell his friends does not actually resolve anything. Saying you don’t want to see his friends any more also does not resolve things. I am not saying that this is all on you or that you have done anything wrong because I don’t know. But the thing to work on is the fundamental basis of the relationship. you need to work out why you are both behaving like this instead of working as a team. Maybe it’s him. Maybe it’s you. Maybe it’s a bit of both. But you both need to communicate openly and not defensively to get anywhere.