DH mutters "shut up", scoffs

[TFICoffeetime]

Hi
DH does bulk share of housework ATM due to recovery from surgery for me.
He often eyerolls or mutters over little things. I asked him to pick up some pastries I'd bought from shop 10 mins away as our youngest had a friend staying over. He moaned after as if he'd been running around and was exhausted.
When I was walking inside house I said I could use some more support in picking things off the floor
He was behind me and daughters friend in front and he said "shut up" to me in a defensive and v passive aggressive were the friend couldn't hear but I could not answer back.
He's been doing this more recently saying 'shut up" or "stop" like he is shissing a child.
I've told him it hurts and feels there is malice in his voice and I don't like it. It's made me cry a few times as he wasn't like this until few years ago. He says sorry he wants to change but then does it the next day. Sometimes I feel he does it more when I've said it hurts.
What stings is that I've been going through hard time with family member been ill & recovering from op myself. It's like he resents me. It's affecting how I feel for him. I honestly hate him when he does it as I've never wanted to be with a man that isn't supportive. He is in many practical ways but they are things he should do & I would if the shoe was on the other foot. I would just help no tutting.
I feel he plays the victim a lot. For example if I've not slept well he will moan about being exhausted - though I know from the snores he sleeps far better.
I'm really loosing love as I witnessed my Mum in a relationship that was abusive in more overt ways but for me the "sushing" tutting and worst "shut up' makes me feel belittled and small.
I've talked and talked until I m blue in the face but he just doesn't change. I don't want this forever but I feel he doesn't want to put work in and a sorry in a text, is him just shutting down and moving the topic on.
I've told him how unhappy makes me to the point of wanting to walk out but he doesn't put any emotional energy in. The more I look at him the more selfish I think he is.
I feel bit lost on it. If your husband did this would you find it belittling and unnecessary..would your husband do this even. Am I overreacting and should shrug it off. Or am I justified that it's mean behaviour and he should express himself like a healthy adult rather than under his breath and in scenarios I can't challenge.
Been together about 20yrs and he's become worse in last 3. Like he's changed and become more misogynistic.
His father speaks to his mum badly and points in her face and he never pulls his Dad up. I worry he's turning into him and when I'm at my most vulnerable he likes control (that's just how it feels). He can sulk and be silent which I also find it creates eggshell environment for me and I'm left feeling anxious and hurt.
Any words of wisdom. Thank you. X

If he hasn't always been like this, could he have something like sleep apnea? You said you know he sleeps well because he's snoring but generally if you're snoring you're not sleeping well. Sleep apnea would explain him being tired and short-tempered.

You both sound absolutely exhausted.

How long are you recovering from your Op? This tough being a “carer”, my DH is currently in that role as I’m not currently well.

BUT, those are reasons to be a bit stressed at times, not how your DH is being, which is unkind and unacceptable.

Do you think you’re feeling worse because you’re currently trapped as you’re recovering?

You say you’ve talked but nothings changed. Would you both consider counselling?

No, YANBU. "Shut up" is not at all acceptable and he shouldn't be disrespecting you like that.

I recommend marriage counseling or going by yourself if he refuses. Regardless of his situation, that is abuse. I'd get it straightened out because if it's allowed to continue, it might get worse and apparently, it's a pattern that would be easy for you both to fall into. You don't need to put up with that crap. Best wishes.

It sounds like he's being an arse, but you are vastly underestimating how much effort he's making. If there's a playdate you don't need to order pastries from some random shop and send him out like an errand boy. Just ensure there's always a couple of frozen pizzas in the freezer. Make life as easy as possible for both of you.

How much time and effort are you devoting to the sick relative? Do you normally spend a lot of time visiting, doing things for them? Does your husband think you are neglecting your family, martyring yourself? I wouldn't be sending my husband out for special pastries in the circumstances though he might well offer.

I actually said I think he has sleep apnea and should get checked but he brushed off. I don't think it's normal for him to fall asleep at 8 in front of TV. And his day is busy but only same as any working parent. I will suggest he gets checked again.

I definitely feel worse because I'm stuck in & his words cut deeper.
He's still doing less for the house than when I was working & he doesn't care for me
I just have to get him to pass things too low.
The rest is what he should do for the kids as their Dad. I still do all the emotional parenting but feels like he resents me.

Oh the pastries were donuts that we promised we would get in for youngest and her friend while they were watching a movie. I can't drive asap & shop is 5 mins away. I paid for McDonald's for 4 of them, so no cooking. He wanted to go so then when he moaned when he got back then told me to "shut up" it came out nowhere but full of spite xx
PS
I mainly cook. He loads dishwasher & does washing. I'm a sorted, tidy, clean bedrooms etc

I don't actually do any care for her (sister) but talk and help her emotionally which is max once week. I'm currently spending more time with family.. I honestly don't know why he's feeling a martyr. I appreciate things he does and say it but he still comes out with snarky comments which makes me not want to compliment him. Xx

I will look into sleep apnea because I thought this for a while and give couples therapy a go though I worry if he would gaslight to therapist. He's perfect husband when people are around and whispers the "shut up'". Worse thing he says "don't remember". This is in daytime so I don't believe he can't remember saying it. I feel it's a power thing. X
I don't what to do
I feel I'd be happier alone & raising kids together. I would still love him as the dad and always want best for him
But I don't think I can take it
It's knocked my self esteem and feels triggering as I grew up in an abusive household.
If he could communicate it would help but he goes quiet. I want to help.him but at the same time have to prioritise my health. X

How are you getting out and about to see family? Is he taking you? Agree with pp re carer stress especially if he I'd working not sleeping and caring for you and doing alll the driving etc related tasks for dc.
Who is dropping/leaving stuff on the floor?

I would not go down the sleep apnea route because this isn't the problem. He doesn't pull up his dad when his own mother is being abused. Now he is abusing you. This is nothing to do with him sleeping. This is how he was brought up and how he thinks of women. I'd be seriously considering my future with him.

He does resent you. And once contempt has entered a relationship, there's not much chance of it leaving. But you could.

Are your standards higher than his?

Just wondering if he thinks he's done enough but then you ask for more.

I don't think it's realistic to expect him to do it as well as you do, if you're quite particular. It's not his usual thing, and presumably he's working as well.

However he should keep his sniping to himself.

When my dad was wheelchairbound, he expected my mum to do all the jobs he usually did, as well as her own. He was constantly asking or telling her to 'just' do xyz.

Is it possible that you are too? Even asking for a few extras every day ends up feeling demanding. Have you told him you recognise it's hard in him, having the extra burden and you definitely will get better and stop needing the care.

Have you asked, when he mutters, if the way you ask for additional help sounds rude or bossy or demanding? Have an adult to adult chat about the strain this is putting on both of you and how best to handle it.

Hmmm this sounds very different to your initial post. The fundamentals though are that as partners, you should be treat each other with respect and compassion and that isn't happening right now. He sounds knackered and I think you're right, he should get checked out and have bloods run. You're obviously unwell too. And kindness has gone out of the window. I'm not quite sure how you deal with it but it's not sustainable it you both want this relationship to survive.

Op I’m so sorry but personally I think this is as ‘two sides of the story’ post- I honestly don’t think we can comment. The things you’ve said you’ve talked to him about, the support you’ve told him you need more of … there is a chance you’re putting how you saw your mum was treated onto your dh. It could be either way, and as someone said your standards might be higher than his.

As for this: I feel he plays the victim a lot. For example if I've not slept well he will moan about being exhausted - though I know from the snores he sleeps far better.

I snore when I’m exhausted and grabbing for any sleep. The nights I snore it’s like my body has shut down as it hasn’t had enough sleep! People should never try to one-over others on the sleep front- most people are just exhausted and trying to make their way through life, you don’t need to tell someone they got better sleep than you!

Ye definitely need to talk this out

I would think you are both busy people with jobs and surprised you are together enough to wind each other up. Many couples with children seem to hardly see each other as they are so busy.
What about getting a cleaner to save on the household tasks?
He seems grumpy and resentful, how long have you been an invalid?
You could look into separating - but discuss this when you have the facts sorted out in your head so you are coming from a knowledgeable position is better than vague threats.

In the first line of your op you say that he is doing the bulk of the housework. Then you say you told him you need more help picking things up. Then you say later on that he isn't doing any more than you.
Which is it ?
I'm not in your house so can't see the truth but if he is doing the bulk, then popping out to get pastries etc. then told you need more help picking things up, perhaps he is feeling exhausted.

It is still no reason to tell you to shut up but it is tiring when your partner is ill.

I was once told that you should only ever speak to your spouse,/partner as you would a friend. So no rudeness or bossiness. You sound rather controlling. Why order pastries for example? It's his home too and his standards don't have to be the same as yours. I think you should get a cleaner it won't seem so personal then and you may realise that no one puts up with being bossed around unless they have to.

Agree the first post sounds different to the later ones. The first scenario reads like he does a lot then you sent him out for pastries and when he came back you started on about needing support picking things up and he'd reached his limit and muttered shut up, which might be an understandable response letting off steam and not 'at you'. However it does sound like things have gone wrong in recent years and you're both tired and finding fault in each other so the love and respect has plummeted and may not return without the will and some hard work, which you don't sound in the right place for if you'd rather just end things.

Being tired is not a medical excuse for talking to your wife like a piece of shit

I'm not sure about why the pastry thing seems a lot. He wanted to go. We often get pastries in. It's his & our chosen weekend treat but we get extra when guests over and so I ordered donuts. He'd been in, not out all day and not caring for me. He is not a carer, he just does house tasks he didn't do before. Mainly for our children not me. He was saying he was exhausted having been out which didn't rack up then the item I asked for help picking up from the floor which was a bucket and cloth (not a long list) this elicited "shut up". It was mean in tone, and front of my daughter's friend. I felt humiliated.
I can't think of any situation I think it's ok for a man to tell a woman to "shut up". I know I wouldn't want it for my children. How you say words and intention is everything and this was plain horrid.
It seems most replies feel regardless of context this is not necessary and passive aggressive.
I also understand it can be exhausting when a partner has had time out for health issues but having been in both situations I would say easier to be the healthier one but I understand difficulties, I just don't think anything I've done warranted the sudden turn. And we don't outdoor each other on the who's had it harder. It was more I got no sleep felt awful mentioned it and he was straight saying he didn't sleep either. He had at least 8/9 hours. So yeah I think that is playing a victim/ minimising.

But in that moment we were having a lovely day.
I've spoken to family. This will be start of me gaining more independence away from, hopefully that will kick start change. If he can't, then I'm happy to raise children with him but I would rather not be in a relationship were I feel belittled and loosing self esteem. It's not isolated. If we did separate it would be the best it could be from my part, as my children come first and rightly they adore their dad. And I will ensure my life is independent to his.
Thanks for all the replies. It's nice to get the reassurance I needed that it was not ok. That raises my faith & confidence. Part of me was questioning does this happen to all men. Am I being too sensitive but no in my gut I know, that's not talking to someone with love. And I can't just ignore and lose myself.
Thank you x

Sleep deprivation is literally used as torture. And having sleep apnea is more than just being tired. Some people with sleep apnea wake up 20+ times per hour, all night long. It can and does affect your personality.

You win wild speculation and exaggeration prize of the day