To want to change our employee's working rota for the sake of her son?

[GrumpyOldHorsewoman]

We have an employee who is fairly new - she started about 3 months ago.
She has a son of pre-school age who she has given to his father to bring up, despite the fact that she apparently has a restraining order on her XP, and has been late for work a couple of times when she has had to collect the boy and take him to nursery because his father has been arrested. She still maintains that the child will be better off with the father

She mentioned a few days ago that she has the boy on Wednesday nights, and alternate weekends. She always brings him to work with her when she has him. Now this in itself is not a problem (I have done it many times myself over the years), but our business is training racehorses, and as you can imagine not the safest environment for a pre-schooler whose mother spends most of her working evening on her phone organising her Saturday night clubbing whilst the child wanders all over the yard, in and out of stables etc. When I discovered that she has him alternate weekends, I realised that her weekend to have him co-incides with her weekend to work (she works every other weekend). In the interests of the child spending some time with his mother, rather than just being dragged in to work whenever she had him, I suggested to DH that we offer her the opposite weekend, so she didn't have to bring him to work with her and they could actually spend more quality time together - I thought she might appreciate the suggestion.
She declined, on the basis that she 'wouldn't have any time to herself'. FFS, she only looks after him 3 nights a fortnight. This poor kid looks completely lost. I thought he was about 2, because he hardly speaks, just wanders around with either a dummy or a Fruit Shoot stuck in his mouth, but in fact he is 4 and starting school in Sept. The mother isn't some young girl - she is in her late 20s and whilst I would never, ever dictate to someone how to raise their child, I think this one could benefit from a bit more attention. I think this regardless of the gender of the parent, as DH's father was the same, and I have nothing but contempt for the way he practically ignored the children he helped to create. Maybe it is the knowledge of DH's relationship with his father that drives me on - I don't want to interfere, but would like to maximise this child's opportunities of some time with his mother.

God, that was long-winded.

You feel sorry for this child who has, apparently, two highly irresponsible parents .

I don't think changing your employee's working rota will turn her into a responsible parent.

I sympathise but you've offered her an ideal opportunity to swop weekends and she refused so not a lot you can do about her attitude to her son.
However if you are unhappy, (and rightly so judging by your post) about the child coming in to work with her, it's very reasonable to tell her this and again suggest she switches weekends.

i wouldn't let her bring him to work. it is not safe.

Anna, I know you are right. I feel like an old busybody, but it is bothering me. I just feel sorry for the kid.

GOH - I'd be muttering behind her back in your position - of course you disapprove of her parenting and feel dreadfully sorry for the little boy, it's a no-brainer to feel that way if you are a thinking, caring person...

I just don't know what you can do to help this poor mother-child duo. How intimate are you with her? Do you have her trust?

GOHW I don't think YABU at all.

That is all terribly sad. But I don't know what the solution might be, unless you're prepared to sit her down and give her a piece of your mind, which I acknowledge might not be very appropriate..

You could tell her that she's not allowed to bring him to work (health and safety have been round etc), so does she want to accept your offer of a swap?

Actually, and tb completely h, I would phone social services. It sounds as though this child is being properly neglected - is he with his father when the man is arrested? And if not, who is he with? I think it's quite likely that they are already aware of his case. But if you feel unsure you could phone anonymously and ask what would be the best thing to do.

Perhaps, if you would really like to help this poor child personally, you could arrange for him to do something while he's at your yard and his mother works? REad a book with him, get one of the other hand to do so?

hands

You are in an awful position aren't you really, you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. If it was me I would have to ring the SS because from what you say, he is neglected. Sometimes we have have to do the hard stuff for the best off reasons. Good luck.

Poor child

But maybe he enjoys being at work with her? It sounds like the other bits of his life are the real problem.

I think SS may be aware of the family history. She's not a bad person, even though I don't like her very much, and she does seem quite good with her son - he obviously loves her, but she just doesn't want to be responsible for him. This job gives you a pretty good lifestyle, and she doesn't want to compromise at all. The job is more fun than raising a child.

i was about to say what onebatmother said, tell her you've had a visit from h&s and she cant bring child to work anymore..hopefully being forced into spending time with him may make her realise what asweet little boy he is and how much he needs some stability..id hope so

Difficult one as the child probably has a happier time at yours than at home. However I don't think it is appropriate for her to bring him to work other than perhaps in an emergency. I don't imagaine that your insurance company would be impressed if he, for example, got kicked by a horse.

imagine

I would actually worry more about your liability as an employer who has tacitly agreed to an unsafe working practice.

You are wide open to being sued if anything happened to the boy on your property.

For that reason you must change her work pattern and tell her she is (and neither is anyone else!) allowed to bring their child to work during the time they are being paid.

oops "is NOT allowed"

Horrible situation for you, and for the little boy.

I would strongly advise you to consider saying that she cannot bring her son to work with her. I am imagining the scenario should something happen to him while he is there, you would not want to find yourself being held responsible. I can see problems with your insurers not paying out in the event of a lawsuit because he shouldn't have been there in the first place, for example.

Sorry to be so pessimistic, but that was what came into my mind.

x-post with gagarin!

Trouble is, I'm not unhappy with children being about the place, so long as they are properly supervised it is a fab place to be. My own DDs are always around the yard, but under constant supervision. It would be hard to tell her she couldn't bring her child into the yard, when my own are always around. I think I will just have to make him part of the wider 'family' we have here, and make sure he is properly supervised. Then, I suppose, he should enjoy the time he spends here, at least.

yes good plan grumpy. Give him jobs to do, could end up making a huge difference to his future if he gets hooked on horses and has an esteem-building hobby type thing.

You could also try having a sit-down with her and telling her what you've been thinking, what you've decided but that you think it's a bit of a shame for him never to have any time with her when she can pay him full attention. Or is that too patronizing? I dunno. Maybe she might hear a wake-up call? People do sometimes need someone to articulate something which they've pushed to the back of their mind, so to speak, and they suddenly 'get it'.

obm, it's the sort of thing I would secretly love to do, but feel I couldn't. DH is firmly of the resolution that how people raise their children is none of our business (my reply was "It'll be your business when they steal your car/mug your daughter/burgle your house")
I think I would rather just try to make a difference discreetly. This girl isn't the type to be 'spoken to' either, so I think I will say no more to DH on the subject, just try to encourage the child to enjoy his time here.

I would be telling her she has to change shift or find childcare when se is working as surely it is a H & S issue to have a 4yr old unsupervised in a yard? If anything happened to him, how would you stand legally?