AIBU to limit sister in-laws visits to once per month (max)?

[Stoneskimmer]

Hi Mumsnet.

I have a very strained relationship with my sister in law due to a serious familial incident.
Had she been a friend I would have stopped all contact, however she is my husband's sister.

Over the years I have been civil for my husbands sake and have limited myself to only seeing her when necessary (birthdays, Xmas etc). On occasion when she has asked I have babysat too, I love seeing my twin nephews. I would've loved to have been more involved as their auntie but find my SIL too damaging to my own metal health after a serious familial incident (cause by a member of her family, against a member of mine).

(My husband and his sister could meet up regularly, or he could visit her house, but they do not do this).

SIL has mostly been out of our family lives (apart from keeping in touch with her brother, my husband, by text or phone) over the past 4 years, and we've only seen her in person on special occasions.

Recently though, she has invited herself to our holiday home. Husband asked me to put up with it for his sake, which I have done. Although it really annoys me and makes me feel like we're being used (I'm so grateful for what we have, but I feel it's pretty obvious sister in law is only there to enjoy the goods).

Sister in law is saying that she wants to visit us at our holiday home more often. The thought of this has made me really unhappy as I find her really unpleasant to be around (treats my children different, takes over our holiday home as if it was her own, only nice to me Infront of my husband). Also, more importantly, due to the seriousness of our past familial incident and sister in laws undermining of it and general sweeping of it under the carpet, I cannot be more than just civil and keep her at arms length. I cannot forgive her and the whole thing plays over in my mind, every time I see her.

I do not want to hurt my husband, but I have been honest in the fact that I do not see eye to eye with his sister or like some of her behaviours.

Am I being unreasonable to say that I do not want her to visit us more than once per month?

As my husband would like to be a part of his nephews lives, and still loves his sister I think I would be unreasonable to suggest she didn't visit us there at all.
He is very generous and knows that his sister loves our hot tub (she is not as well off and he likes to treat her).

Incident is a vague word: was it an argument?

And was she actually involved?

Agree it depends on the “incident” (did you kill your cat or comment that she didn’t like your aunt’s haircut??) but generally I would say that once a month is more than enough to put up with a family member that you don’t like. Or even one you do like.

I'd be more worried why your husband isn't concerned about upsetting his wife.

Serious incident isn't the point of the post, but was the biggest reason for strained relationship and why I can not stand to be around her.
Serious to do with abuse. She was not involved directly but her reaction and behaviour afterwards was not ok.

Having the same people to stay with you once a month is a lot. How many are you talking about? SIL + her 2 (or more?) Kids + H?
How long do they stay?

Once or twice a year is enough
Possibly time when you are not at your holiday home.

I understand where you're coming from, though I believe he is concerned about me (he has helped keep boundaries in place) but also loves his sister and obviously wants to be part of her life I suppose.

He sees his sister away from your homes.
Anything else is completely unreasonable.
A good man would not be so dismissive of your concerns.

Sorry I should have been more clear in my post. So not actually having a sleepover, but sister in law, the twin boys, her boyfriend and his daughter from a previous relationship. They come for the whole day, early morning until night.

No way would I put up with that.

I find it odd that she does not want to visit us at our house (reason which I feel she only wants to see us because of what we have, although I would not say this to my husband.)

She ONLY asks to come to our holiday home.

Even if i got on with her really well I wouldn’t want her coming to stay that often. Life is busy. Family time with just your husband and kids is precious.

I feel really guilty for putting limits on his sister visiting us. Even though I know they could both meet up more often elsewhere.

I appreciate your perspective. Even if it was someone you liked, it's helpful to know some people would still have similar limits.

Get your DH to go and see her on his own.

He'll find out soon enough that unless she's getting a free hot tub session she isn't interested.

Stop the holiday home stays and she'll not be long in backing off.

I feel that he has mostly been understanding of my needs with his sister.
I feel so guilty, as I love my three sisters and can't imagine having to see the less because of my husband.

“sister in law, the twin boys, her boyfriend and his daughter from a previous relationship. They come for the whole day, early morning until night.”

OP, once a month is excessive. Four times a year would be plenty!

So she’s using you guys for the location and hot tub and your husband is lapping it up believing his sister truly wants to spend time with him.

Honestly I’d be trying to kindly show him the light. Such as a well I’m going to be out all day on X so why don’t you invite her to house… oh I’ve seen X event is on I’m sure nephews would love that maybe you and your sister could take them…

He will soon start to see it’s only for the hot tub when she never wants to come to the house only the holiday home.

Start claiming the holiday home back as a private holiday home for the residents of your home.

You have to be honest with him and explain the strain you feel. Just like you have in your post. Spell it out to him. YANBU.

He can see her as much as he likes, quite clearly, but once a month at yours sounds a lot.

I dunno, I only see my SILs once a yearwhich is plenty even though I quite like them so I'm on such a different planet here i should probably butt out...

@Stoneskimmer so your husband must have told her that you were going to your holiday house??? bloody cheek, inviting herself!!!you should really be telling him that she is not permitted to be there! you do not give her permission and he should be supporting you, as your husband! I also believe that she is hanging around like a bad smell dues to what your family has! send her packing! tell her she is not welcome in your home or your holiday home! if she wants to see your husband then he can visit her at her home! Make sure your husband never gives her a key to you holiday home!! it sounds like she is setting her sights on it!

How much time per month do you spend in your holiday home ? Do you usually have people often staying with you/ spending a day with you there?
For me once per month sounds very very excessive unless you generally keep a very open house.
I would be tempted to offer seeing her in your house under various excuses so your DH wouldn’t be able to say that she’s not welcome and the ball would be in her court.
It’s a big group of them coming for the whole day and unless you all tolerating each other well it’s a bit too much.
Do kids like to play with each other by the way?

Look I'm not trying to scaremonger, but its odd that they don't come to your house. Would you consider asking the police to check out her boyfriend using Sarah's Law?

www.gov.uk/guidance/find-out-if-a-person-has-a-record-for-child-sexual-offences

Really agree with this!

Surely dh can see she is using you both? Start inviting your friends and family to share in your spoils. When sje gets told no and most likely pouts dh can see the true dsis...

How big is this holiday home? Wonder if she feels less likely to have to be in close proximity to you when she's staying there. She's probably picked up on your feelings.

But you really need to be having this convo with your partner, not us. Good luck.