AIBU to limit sister in-laws visits to once per month (max)?

[Stoneskimmer]

Hi Mumsnet.

I have a very strained relationship with my sister in law due to a serious familial incident.
Had she been a friend I would have stopped all contact, however she is my husband's sister.

Over the years I have been civil for my husbands sake and have limited myself to only seeing her when necessary (birthdays, Xmas etc). On occasion when she has asked I have babysat too, I love seeing my twin nephews. I would've loved to have been more involved as their auntie but find my SIL too damaging to my own metal health after a serious familial incident (cause by a member of her family, against a member of mine).

(My husband and his sister could meet up regularly, or he could visit her house, but they do not do this).

SIL has mostly been out of our family lives (apart from keeping in touch with her brother, my husband, by text or phone) over the past 4 years, and we've only seen her in person on special occasions.

Recently though, she has invited herself to our holiday home. Husband asked me to put up with it for his sake, which I have done. Although it really annoys me and makes me feel like we're being used (I'm so grateful for what we have, but I feel it's pretty obvious sister in law is only there to enjoy the goods).

Sister in law is saying that she wants to visit us at our holiday home more often. The thought of this has made me really unhappy as I find her really unpleasant to be around (treats my children different, takes over our holiday home as if it was her own, only nice to me Infront of my husband). Also, more importantly, due to the seriousness of our past familial incident and sister in laws undermining of it and general sweeping of it under the carpet, I cannot be more than just civil and keep her at arms length. I cannot forgive her and the whole thing plays over in my mind, every time I see her.

I do not want to hurt my husband, but I have been honest in the fact that I do not see eye to eye with his sister or like some of her behaviours.

Am I being unreasonable to say that I do not want her to visit us more than once per month?

As my husband would like to be a part of his nephews lives, and still loves his sister I think I would be unreasonable to suggest she didn't visit us there at all.
He is very generous and knows that his sister loves our hot tub (she is not as well off and he likes to treat her).

It's fairly small but has a big garden and DH recently treated us to a lovely hot tub. It's our favourite getaway!

I do find it difficult hiding my feelings, however she is also the type to enjoy winding others up.

Thanks, I do need to speak to him yes. I just wanted to know if others (not related or friends) thought my boundary was ok.

Do you have to be there when she visits? Maybe you could be there every other one? But think once a month is too much anyway.

YANBU your holiday home is your escape & for you to feel relaxed.

It sounds like she wants to show off to her new boyfriend - it sounds like she brings him & his daughter along. It’s a free day out for them & makes her look flash.

I always wonder when I read these boundary threads how people actually enforce them. Do you give them a formal schedule and cross dates off? Or send reminders like pet vaccinations:” Your next visit will be June.”

We are there every weekend almost. It's too nice not to be there!
Our families use it sometimes when we are not there (I don't mind this as it's not impacting my time, or personal space after a busy week).
I don't keep much of an open house, only for family, which is why it's tricky because I see a lot of my sisters, I feel guilty about not wanting my SIL there often. However, my sisters also return the favour by having us over, inviting us for dinners or help us out. SIL relationship has always been more one sided, even before the familial incident.
My teenage twins get on ok with SIL stepdaughter.
My son enjoys his twin cousins for a little bit (they are full of fun but quite rowdy as only young).

Seeing your update you don’t sound unreasonable at all. Once a month looks too intense and too much from the outside. Your teenager children would probably be much better off inviting their friends. And I’m sure you need family time just for you.
There are 2 types of visiting relatives : family and guests. When family visits they are helping, accepting you, supporting you. When it’s a guest visit it’s more about maintaining certain level of relationship. It looks like your SIL is in the latter camp. Would you count on her support in a difficulty ? I suspect not. So DH should be realistic - you can’t invest most of your time and energy in relationship with her, especially if she holds very different views and values. And it’s a bad example to kids , they need to learn how to keep their boundaries.
I wouldn’t raise with DH how different your sisters are towards you and your family. However if he mentioned this I would be ready to give him lots of examples !!!!

Would he and his sister been friends if there were not relatives? Would he tolerate the behaviour she presented in the past from a colleague?
Yes, you treat family differently but there are still limits to it.