A small world is a good thing

[Vergus]

I think the more people you allow into your “circle,” the more trouble and strife you get. Over the last few years I’ve allowed people to get close, to see me at my friendliest (both at work and personally.) On a professional level I’ve regretted it because the majority have turned out to be self- serving, power hungry twats. On a personal level I’m now being ghosted by someone who up until this point in time has been lovely and cheerful and affectionate. I’m not without my flaws but I like to think I’m not a mean person and I am quite frankly fucking fed up with selfish dicks who trample roughshod over my good will.

I think most people smile and lead you hand in hand down the garden path only to stab you in the back, abandon you at the bottom
of the metaphorical garden in the pissing rain and/or fuck you over in some way. Usually for their own ego trip.

I hate it. I hate people who I’ve been nothing but open and nice to only to have them do the dirty on me. I don’t trust people to do nice things and behave like grown ups any more. It’s much safer and more pleasant if you have a small world that you can control and then you don’t have to suffer any miscellaneous fuckwittery from individuals who you probably should have kept at arm’s length anyway.

So I’m closing the door now and everyone who plans to be a total twat can do one. I don’t need that shit in my life - I’ve got three really close friends and a loving family. Not my circus, not my monkey!

Anyone else had this revelation? I feel better already. I am going to hoard my energy and resources and time from hereon in

Similar. I don’t speak to some very toxic and abusive family members any more. I also came off FB as there was just too much info, and a false, extensive “social circle” of people I don’t know that well… I wanted my world to get smaller. It’s smaller now and I am always the last to know things but it’s great!

I've only got a v small family and a few genuine friends. Very little drama & I love it. I bumped into an old friend recently & she was all "oh we MUST get together soon! Send me your mobile number!" So I did, with a message saying "hi it's Connie". She read & didn't respond. I'd rather she said "listen we're not friends anymore & I'm only saying hello just this once to be polite but please never contact me". 🤣

I have a wide circle and in all that time I have made one bad error and one person turned out to be bloody awful. She was actually ok for a decade but then hitched her wagon to a complete dickhead and I questioned what he was doing to her, it was lower level abuse and she got very defensive. It was very much shooting the messenger. Then a couple more were not quite as I would have liked but nothing toxic. Do you think your filter is a bit off because of your childhood or younger life because life experiences can really affect how we form friendships and relationships.

We've a very small circle of friends/relatives and it's absolute bliss! We just stay in contact with specific/particular people and keep our distance from most of the others. No dramas, no stresses, etc. It's liberating to keep your distance from the back-stabbers, the self-obsessed and the ones who suck the joy out of everything!

I think it’s possibly good to have a lot of acquaintances but keep your friendship group small and select….I personally don’t want work colleagues as friends and keep them strictly as acquaintances that I’m pleasant to but definitely don’t want let them in…. In most cases work colleagues cannot be trusted

I've never socialised with work colleagues. I've always kept every part of life completely separate - a kind of "bunker" mentality. Likewise I don't socialise with people I meet through hobbies or voluntary work. I've always kept friends from one area of life separated from friends in other areas of life. The one and only time where there was overlap was our wedding where work colleagues, family, neighbours, and acquaintances from hobbies and voluntary work were mixed together. I was glad that none of that led to any longer term "mixed" friendships, and everyone seemed to go their own separate ways again afterwards! I just can't cope with, say, a neighbour or relative, attending the same hobby/voluntary work, or a work colleague turning up at the gym I go to. I just hate "blurred" boundaries.

@taxguru

I just can't cope with, say, a neighbour or relative, attending the same hobby/voluntary work, or a work colleague turning up at the gym I go to. I just hate "blurred" boundaries.

Yes that sounds like me totally. I like to have separate areas of my life and what you’ve described here would make me back off fast

Agree….some people love it though and actively try to get all their ‘friends’ together…ugh!

Indeed! Not only don't I want the different people in different parts of my life meeting and befriending each other, I don't even want them knowing what I do in other parts of my life. I.e. workmates didn't know much, if anything, about my hobbies, interests nor voluntary work, nor vice versa. Some family members don't even know what I do for fun! I really do have to live my life in "bunkers" or "silos" - it's just the way I am. I suppose I'm a bit extreme, but even with work, I far preferred the years when I worked away from my home town so that I'd not bump into work mates when I was shopping in my home town, and wouldn't bump into neighbours or people involved with hobbies/voluntary work in my lunchtime when walking through my work town.

I couldn’t disagree more with this and it worries me that people seem so keen to close themselves to the world at the moment.

Some of you seem to be reading this all wrong. You have had one or two bad experiences (who hasn’t?) and what you have taken from this is that no one can be trusted? When in fact the overwhelming majority of people are not like this. It’s like reading an article in a newspaper about a murder and concluding that everyone is a murderer. It’s profoundly irrational.

Loneliness and social isolation are incredibly damaging to our health and to society. Everyone has an inner circle of course but the idea of closing down everyone outside your immediate tribe is emotionally and spiritually impoverishing.

We need variety in our perspective and experience in order not to become blinkered. We need to not rely on one or two people for everything because over dependence is dangerous and limiting.

I find the current trend of celebrating this isolationist approach and the fetishisation of social anxiety so depressing.

Well, you are in the right place. Everyone on MN thinks the world is out to get them.

I don't. Though they may be indifferent.

@Thepeopleversuswork

you have had one or two bad experiences

Don't trivialise past traumas! I was mercilessly bullied for five years at secondary school. Not just name calling (bad enough), but physical abuse (being beaten up, burned with fag ends etc), theft and damage of property (coats, school bags etc)., mental abuse, etc. I was suicidal at times because of it. It affected me for decades afterwards and I created my own coping methods to live as near a normal life as possible.

So the way I've been as an adult certainly shouldn't be trivialised as "one or two bad experiences"!

I suspect other people who act in the same way as me have likewise been severely affected by traumas earlier in their lives.

I separate out different areas of my life so that it's easier to shut out. For example, if (as has happened) I ended up in a toxic/bullying workplace, I could just easily leave that job and get a job somewhere else - put it behind me and move on. Had I allowed those toxic workmates to infiltrate other areas of my life, it would have been harder to extract myself from their effect.

This. It’s a kind of arrogance to think everyone is out to get you. Most people don’t give you that much thought. And why would they if you are relentlessly suspicious and miserable. Being open to people is really the only chance you have of making enduring relationships. Why would anyone close themself off to this?

For some people it can be a good way to meet new people.

I've got some very close friends who are former work colleagues.

I don't have much family and don't even like some of them anyway.

Different strokes for different people.

@taxguru I’m sorry you went through this. But with kindness you can’t go through life assuming that everyone is constantly out to get you. You simply can’t get past it if you adopt that mindset. The only way to move past this is to refuse to allow it to shape the rest of your life.

Also frankly there are a huge amount of people on here with similar approaches to the world and they can’t all be traumatized. In most cases it’s misanthropy.

I've even got a couple of good close friends from the days of the toxic bullying workplace.

People are all different. I couldn't box my life off the way some people do, personally.

I had it a couple of years ago. I stopped seeking people out, and they have left me alone. I’m healing nicely. My life has never felt lovelier, and I have finally peace of mind. 10/10, do recommend.

I meet "new" people through hobbies, voluntary work etc. Doesn't mean I want to become bezzie mates with them. I'm happy enough to be "friends" with them at events etc relating to the hobby or whilst doing the voluntary work.

Sometimes, someone special comes along. Like my OH who I met 37 years ago whilst doing voluntary work. We worked together (a few hours per week) for months before we actually started to "bond" and it was probably a year before we had a romantic date and longer still before we became intimate! Another good friend I have came through a hobby - again, a "slow burn" of becoming "friends" rather than acquaintances over many, many months, but our friendship is still basically all about our mutual hobby and doesn't really stray into anything else.

That's the reality of making friends etc when you've been traumatised by prior life experiences - it takes a lot of time to build up trust, and in the meantime, you make sure you can extract yourself if things start going the wrong way.

I get through life perfectly well using my own coping strategies of keeping people at arm's length until they prove to be reliable and trustworthy. Most of the time, I don't even actively think of my teenage years etc. I just don't see how a larger network of friends who all know each other would actually benefit me. I'm happy as I am. People are different - some people are happy with a "small" World, some aren't.

Maybe I'm naive, but I find that most people are great. Neighbours, colleagues, shop staff, train staff, school staff, GP surgery, strangers, wherever I go I see nice, friendly people.

i don't think everyone needs large networks of friends. I just don't see the point in thinking people are out to stab me in the back.
I have been ghosted many times, but that's because people are busy/incompetent/ have enough friends/going through mental health crises etc etc. Not necessarily because they are out to get me.

Most people are not out to get you. Although I remember one of your previous posts and you do work with some pretty crappy people. That aside, if you’re happy with your lot then it works for you.
I have a wide group of acquaintances and a smaller group of friends, and even less that I’d trust with my ‘business’. That’s even smaller since someone I care about left my life my that was their choice.
Ultimately, you can’t control other people or their actions. For me the sweet spot is finding contentment with what you have and staying open to the possibility that new people could enrich your life.

I have a large family so don't need many friends. I just have a couple and that's enough. Family stuff keeps me busy !

I have met quite a few dickheads, and quite a few nice people who are deeply insecure or lacking in confidence who make a mistake when they feel backed into a corner somehow. The latter I forgive. The former I swerve.

I try not to let bad experiences change how I am with people. That would be to my detriment not theirs. It is difficult though.