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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Stikl struggling with husbands infidelity

46 replies

Bcakes · 17/05/2025 09:00

Good morning ladies! Really struggling at the moment, its coming up on 12 years since my husband went on a night out (just weeks after getting married), and ended up going back to his ex girlfriends place (she lives abroad, was home on holidays). So the night in question, he fell in the door pissed at 5.30 saying he went back to his friends house. But i just knew he was lying, so checked his phone and low ans behold he'd missed calls and messages from said friend saying please go home you're married just go home.
Lied to my face quite easily until i said i knew exactly where he was. Didn't offer up info easily, but insisted nothing happened at the house. On further questioning, admitted they met in the pub and flirted and danced before heading off in a cab together. His friend literally tried to pull him out of the cab as he knew there was way too much flirting going on. So, husband admitted to flirting and wanting something to happen, but yet insisted nothing happened except catching up over a few beers.
I kicked hin out for a week, but let him back as wanted new marriage to work.
Then all the quite questionable shit with some female colleagues over the years has really pushed me to my limits. I'm not going to go into that, it's on a previous thread and too much to go into (trying to type this before my child wakes).
Anyway, this time of year always gets to me because it was this time of year he decided to blow my world apart.
Over the years I've tried to talk to him to explain how much it has hurt me, and how I've felt inadequate and simply not enough for him since we got married. It usually turns into a fight, and is far from productive. I suppose i just want to know the truth, i want to know how far things went that night, i just feel like i deserve to know. Because i know he certainly wasn't sitting chatting over a cuppa for over 4 hours. I suppose I'm looking for advice as to how to go about it and how to finally get the truth? Sorry for the long post.
B

OP posts:

PinkyFlamingo · 17/05/2025 09:02

It's not the truth you need. It's a divorve.You should never have taken him back, you wanted your marriage to work but clearly he couldn't care less. You don't trust him and no wonder.

OrsolaRosso · 17/05/2025 09:05

I second what @PinkyFlamingo said.

SummertimeFeelingFine · 17/05/2025 09:05

As above. It's always going to hurt, because you'll never be able to trust him, hence you can't believe what he says.

His friend was desperate to try to stop him, so it must've really been quite bad.

GoodCharl · 17/05/2025 09:06

12 years of this? Youre a glutton for punishment. Rip the plaster off and get a bloody divorce. Set yourself free

okydokethen · 17/05/2025 09:07

The truth is he slept with her and you know this.

Someonelookedatmypostinghistorysoichanged · 17/05/2025 09:09

12 is a long time. He is comfortable now with the lie. If this situation happened to a friend of mine, I would have assumed you’d accepted that he did shag her for old times sake and decided to move on. Not ok for him to do that obviously, but some people forgive and forget.

Moving forward I’d say I know you did shag her I’ve always known and I can’t get over it. Which is true, you are not over it.

He gets angry because he’s over it and doesn’t want to drag it up, getting caught in lies.

sadly I had a similar experience and just decided to put boundaries in Place. I knew he’d shag her despite all the lies. I Kept my distance whilst I figured out what I wanted. Without remorse is there no hope of forgiveness, forgiveness is moving on.

What keeps you with him a decade later? What do you want to happen.

GRex · 17/05/2025 09:12

I'm sorry you're struggling. The friend sounds like a better catch. Why did you stay with your DH for 12 years and even have children? That has to be more than loss of confidence. It might be worth dialing back to figure out what it was that made you take him back to start with, and then work out why you keep him. Do you think he's been cheating again over the years? Do you just get upset once a year, or is it just harder at this time? Are you ready to leave?

dudsville · 17/05/2025 09:14

Regardless of whether he went further than he admitted (which is already a serious breach of your commitment to one another), and I agree with the others, it's really likely that he went further, you've had ample time to learn you can't trust him. In 12 YEARS he's not been able to show you what you say you want from him. Do you think 13 years, 14 years might be the right length of time? And for argument's sake, what if he did suddenly turn around and say "You know what, you're right, that was an awful thing to do and I'm sorry it hurt you so much", would that be enough to heal the wounds of 12 years???

thepariscrimefiles · 17/05/2025 09:15

You know that something definitely happened with his ex-gf even if he doesn't admit it and you have had years of his questionable behaviour with female colleagues.

You know he is lying to you and that he can't be trusted. Are you in a position to separate? You mention that you have a child. What is he like as a dad? He is making you very unhappy and I don't think he will change, even with an ultimatum.

AppleAng35 · 17/05/2025 09:16

I agree with pp and think you know what really happened that night and after 12 years it seems he is not ever going to give you the truth. After such a long time, your whole married life, I think you need to make a decision as to whether you want to stay or leave. You have a child so you may feel it is preferable and easier to stay despite his infidelities. Either way, you need to accept that he has cheated and this is who he is, don’t stop beating yourself up and agonising over what happened. Either you move on with your marriage accepting that he is and always will be untrustworthy, or you leave and try your luck elsewhere. But this constant reliving it is not helpful. Counselling may help.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/05/2025 09:19

This is heartbreaking. 12 years of stress, insecurity, fear, sadness. It’s such a waste.

Set yourself free so you don’t waste 12 more. It wasn’t even a one off, you don’t trust him because he’s fundamentally untrustworthy. He’s not good enough for you.

Dinosaurshoebox · 17/05/2025 09:19

I've chosen YABU.
Because that man told you to your face who he was and you buried your head in the sand.

I'll tell you how far they went and I'd bet my house on it all.

He shagged her. And he's done it to others.

Why shouldn't he? He got away with it. And has continued to do so.

Don't be so desperate to be loved that you can't even love yourself enough to do better

Jobsworth7 · 17/05/2025 09:20

AppleAng35 · 17/05/2025 09:16

Yes, exactly. I mean, for me him admitting wanting something to happen that night is as bad as sex, but I think you need to assume they slept together and decide once and for all if you can live with that or not.

For me it would be a no, but it would have been a no 12 years ago!

Lanzarotelady · 17/05/2025 09:23

To be honest, whether he did or didn't, that is not the issue, you are hurting and don't trust him and you have allowed yourself to be in this situation for 12 years, why?
Please learn to have some respect for yourself and claw something back.

LeilaLandi · 17/05/2025 09:27

Something was happening with his ex in the pub, to the point that his friend tried to intervene. It’s clear what would happen next in a place of privacy.

It’s so sad you’ve wasted 12 years on wanting the truth when it’s irrelevant really and how much that must’ve impacted your happiness and wellbeing and those around you.

I’d move on. It’s been way too long. Being on your own and in a place of peace emotionally is a much better plan. Life’s too short for this!

Jobsworth7 · 17/05/2025 09:27

As for getting the truth from him - you won't. Ever. His friend probably knows what happened as I bet they had it out later, but I'm pretty sure they wouldn't tell you unless you'd already left your H.

AppleAng35 · 17/05/2025 09:28

I think the above narrative that women who choose not to leave “lack self respect” is quite unhelpful. Think carefully about what will be best for you and your child and do that - that is self respect. Sometimes that looks like leaving, sometimes leaving puts you in a worse position and it’s better on balance to stay, even temporarily. But sadly it will have to be with the acceptance that he is not the husband you wanted or deserve.

PerkyGreenCat · 17/05/2025 09:28

He hurt you initially by cheating but you've hurt yourself more by staying with him. You've put yourself through 12 years of pain when in all that time, you could have ditched the cheating scumbag, enjoyed being single for a while, met the love of your life and lived happily ever after.

He told you who he was the first time he cheated.

Put your own health and happiness first.

Or carry on putting up with his shitty behaviour for another 12 years.

MemorableTrenchcoat · 17/05/2025 09:30

What are you asking for, interrogation techniques? Don’t bother, just end the relationship, as you should have done a long time ago.

GeorgianaM · 17/05/2025 09:31

You are never going to learn the truth and you are never going to get over it.

i can’t fathom why you’re put yourself through 12 years of doubt, uncertainty and feeling anxious. He was the one that caused the rift but you are responsible for your happiness and security and should have ended it then and there.

Stop wasting your life with this man and get him out of your life and your head.

MyCyanReader · 17/05/2025 09:32

Ffs you're never going to know and of you're still hung up over thus after 12 years then your marriage is pointless.

End the relationship and move on.

Purplecatshopaholic · 17/05/2025 09:32

This is what happens when you try to flog a dead horse because the other person Doesn’t. Care. I’m sorry op, but you won’t ever get this man to tell you the truth, and frankly you don’t need to. You know he lies, you know he flirts and disrespects you, you know there has been ‘questionable behaviour’ with work colleagues. Seriously, I appreciate your self esteem is likely on the floor but you need to gather some strength, and dump this man. You deserve so much better.

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 17/05/2025 09:36

I agree you should never have taken him back, I understand why you did though.
He actively sought to cheat on you with his ex just weeks after marrying you. It wasn't a heat of the moment fuck up, his mate tried time and again to stop it happening but he was so determined to fuck her he ignored this.
I would end your pain and constant wondering and dump the fucker now.

SALaw · 17/05/2025 09:43

So if he says ok we had sex where does that leave you? Or if he insists he’s telling the truth and continues to say they didn’t have sex, where does that leave you? Would one result in you leaving and the other not? Would either stop you going over it again and again in your head? It feels to me like you need to decide are you staying regardless and, if so, you need to find a way to let the hurt go, or are you saying regardless the pain is too much and make plans to separate?

MasterBeth · 17/05/2025 09:47

You wanted your new marriage to work, but it hasn't.

Marriage is built on trust and respect. You don't trust him. He doesn't respect you.

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