Stikl struggling with husbands infidelity

[Bcakes]

Good morning ladies! Really struggling at the moment, its coming up on 12 years since my husband went on a night out (just weeks after getting married), and ended up going back to his ex girlfriends place (she lives abroad, was home on holidays). So the night in question, he fell in the door pissed at 5.30 saying he went back to his friends house. But i just knew he was lying, so checked his phone and low ans behold he'd missed calls and messages from said friend saying please go home you're married just go home.
Lied to my face quite easily until i said i knew exactly where he was. Didn't offer up info easily, but insisted nothing happened at the house. On further questioning, admitted they met in the pub and flirted and danced before heading off in a cab together. His friend literally tried to pull him out of the cab as he knew there was way too much flirting going on. So, husband admitted to flirting and wanting something to happen, but yet insisted nothing happened except catching up over a few beers.
I kicked hin out for a week, but let him back as wanted new marriage to work.
Then all the quite questionable shit with some female colleagues over the years has really pushed me to my limits. I'm not going to go into that, it's on a previous thread and too much to go into (trying to type this before my child wakes).
Anyway, this time of year always gets to me because it was this time of year he decided to blow my world apart.
Over the years I've tried to talk to him to explain how much it has hurt me, and how I've felt inadequate and simply not enough for him since we got married. It usually turns into a fight, and is far from productive. I suppose i just want to know the truth, i want to know how far things went that night, i just feel like i deserve to know. Because i know he certainly wasn't sitting chatting over a cuppa for over 4 hours. I suppose I'm looking for advice as to how to go about it and how to finally get the truth? Sorry for the long post.
B

What kind of details do you want ? Sexual positions ? How many orgasms? Dialogue ?

how many arguments are going to circle back to his infidelity and for how many more years

he will never ever tell you the truth , ever

seriously , you have spent 12 year feeling inadequate and went on to have a baby this this loser!
ducks in a row
pack up your self esteem and move on
you deserve much better than this

I think it's time to go. I understand why you want to stay married, but it sounds like this has been 12 years of misery and stress. I'm sure happy times too but it's 12 years later and this is still eating you up for a reason.

I don’t think you’ll ever get the truth.
He hasn’t chosen to give you the respect you deserve by telling you the truth 12 years ago. I can’t imagine he’ll come out now and say it and I’m sure you can imagine what likely happened.

You’ve given it a good go but it sounds like now is the time to prioritise yourself and leave. You deserve to be with someone who will cherish you and show you respect.

If this was something he deeply regretted after being found out, the last twelve years would have been spent by him making you feel loved and cherished and never giving you any reason to doubt his love and support for you and to reassure and comfort you when you felt low.

All he has done is carry on being a player and totally disrespecting you. He probably has contempt for your forgiving his atrocious behaviour.

If you stay together, in twelve years time you will be a nervous wreck, a shadow of yourself and he will still be strutting around like a peacock, handing over his cock to any woman foolish enough to get with him for the night.

I’m so sorry, you have married someone untrustworthy.
Please set yourself free.

If this was something he deeply regretted after being found out, the last twelve years would have been spent by him making you feel loved and cherished and never giving you any reason to doubt his love and support for you and to reassure and comfort you when you felt low.

This.

I know it's probably painful reading all these comments. But you've done enough and tried enough.

💐

Exactly this. OP he seems to have consistently treated you like the back-up plan. The ex, the women he works with.

I know him refusing to say the truth must be haunting you but what will you do if he does confess?

You don't need to know the truth about that specific incident. You know the truth about what kind of man he is. Any man who cheats is a scumbag, but cheating straight after you've got married, and then also showing so little remorse over it that you continue to be inappropriate with female colleagues etc after your wife found out? That's a whole other level of arseholery. You surely can't believe that you need more proof of what happened in order to justify leaving this appalling excuse for a husband?

I’m not going to vote because you are asking the wrong question.

What you should be asking is how you can find the strength and self-worth to leave this man.

Because he will never give the answers and the love and security you are craving. He doesn’t have your back and the past 12 years will simply go on repeating themselves.

Until, one day, you realize that you are a shell of a woman - and you’ll deeply regret staying.

Waiting for him to be someone he clearly isn’t is not a strategy that’s worked out for you. At some point you are going to have to take responsibility for the damage you are doing to yourself by staying.

Are you going to put yourself through this for another 12 years? 20? The rest of your life??

come on @Bcakes, it’s time to call it quits.

But OP how will you know if he's telling the truth?
He's lied so much in the past that the trust is gone - it will never come back will it.

So your choice is stay as things are or end the marriage.

I haven’t read the full thread but I really do feel for you. I know that it’s not that easy to leave. I strongly suggest that you go and see a really good psychotherapist who will help you to work on your self worth and self esteem. You know you need to leave the relationship, it’s no way to live, but you just aren’t strong enough yet. Wishing you all the best.

Op he is not going to tell you the truth and will probably be irritated if you start questioning him.
The truth is that he doesn’t care about your feelings.He doesn’t care that he has breached your trust and continues to do so .
You know he cheated and he knows that you know he cheated but you stayed with him.
Why would he tell the truth now ?
Even if he admitted cheating , what would this achieve . ?It would just show that you have been married to a man who consistently lied to you for 12 years.
You have two choices , divorce this man and free yourself or stay married and endure many more years of misery.

.

You won't get the truth from a liar and it's unreasonable to expect him to suddenly become truthful.

You know he cheated with his ex. You let him come back anyway. You say he'd been sketchy with other women. He knew from the first incident that you would let him back with no consequences other than talks.

He knows he can lie to you and disrespect you and you don't really do anything about it.

What are your options?

You can split up. Your marriage has no respect and no trust and no foundation.

You can stay and stop nagging him when he cheats. This is who he is and he's not changing.

You know what happened 12 years ago, why have you let this drain you for over a decade! If he hasn’t admitted it by now then he never will and it will continue to eat you alive.

I don’t think he’s ever been faithful to you.

A few weeks after getting married you are still on a high of being madly in love and adoring your partner.

To cheat so quickly after standing up and making marriage vows really makes him a nasty piece of work. He even had a mate trying to hold him back but absolutely nothing g was going to get in the way of his cock finding its way into that woman!

Having sex seems perfectly natural to him as he did it so easily after getting married.

You need to read the harsh descriptions of him and your sham marriage in order to find some anger and strength within you to stand tall and gain back the power in your life by booting him out of it!

He can still be a father to your child but you will be free of this weak willed nasty little man.

@Bcakes as you mentioned past threads I did look them up. Those coupled with what you’ve written today paint a very clear picture. Your husband has undermined your trust, he has crossed boundaries, been deceptive and straight up lied to you in relation to his contact/relationships with other women. Some may have been innocent, others not so much but you can’t tell the difference because of the fact he broke your trust so irreparably at the start of your marriage and has done nothing to rebuild or regain that trust. Instead he has dismissed and diminished your feelings and as such subsequent issues have potentially been bigger issues then they might have been.

Usually couples counselling would be a good idea but in a previous post you said he refused to attend. Instead you should go to individual therapy, work through your emotions, get a better understanding of what it is you want going forward, work out if you want this relationship to continue and if so how you can do that in a healthy way.

It’s always easy from afar to just say leave, relationships are complicated and the reality is that sitting up has financial, emotional and logistical implications, especially with kids involved. Having said that it’s clearly having a really significant impact on your mental health to remain in the current situation.

Ultimately he will never tell you the truth, from his perspective there is no advantage for him in being honest, deep down you know the truth of the situation but there is a need for confirmation that you will never get. You need to accept that and move on accordingly, either with or without him.

What @NZDreaming said.

I think counselling will really help you find the strength you need to do what’s best for you.

Read your other threads. This man is a serial liar and a serial cheat.

Set yourself free, he is ruining your life.