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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Reality check

65 replies

MyTicklishTealPoster · 17/05/2025 07:47

I live with my partner who is divorced with 2 adult sons who live independently. He owns the house we live in. I have no children, own a property with no mortgage that I rent out. Our living arrangements in my partners house involve us each contributing £1,000/month into a shared bank account, to cover food, social activities, purchase of items for the house and garden, and presents for his children and family. I also pay 50 percent towards all utility bills via a monthly direct debit into my partners account. My partner is wealthy, a high earner with finance earned from investments and inheritance. I have a good income and some savings. I do the majority of the housework, manage the large garden, work full-time in a demanding role, and am expected to make his breakfast and packed lunch daily, and remind him of things he needs to do.
My partner has said he does not want to marry, and that as part of his will the house and all his finance will be left to his children. He said he may at a later date consider adding a clause to his will enabling me to have a lifelong right to live in his house after his death until I die. I am expected to leave all my wealth to my partner should I die. His adult children, when we see them refer to their inheritance in conversations.
I am very upset, and feel used, in that I am contributing a significant and disproportionate part of my income to our shared life, whilst it enables him to save money for his adult children’s future. I have tried to discuss this inequity with him to no avail. I love him, and worry about my future based on this arrangement.

OP posts:

LegoAirlines · 17/05/2025 08:06

Stop making his lunch and breakfast, and stop being the default housekeeper.

But the financial split seems fair to me, in this circumstance. He doesn’t see you as someone that he wants to share everything with, to the detriment of his children. That might be upsetting, but if it’s transparent and freely chosen, it’s OK for him to want that.

RhaenysRocks · 17/05/2025 08:08

So what are you getting from this arrangement? You cook, clean, make his meals and act as his PA and pay for the privilege of doing so to the tune of 1k a month plus bills. 'I love him" is just words. WHAT do you love? Exactly? He is showing you he does not love you. Love is not having someone run around after you and telling them you're out on your ear when he dies. What if that's in twenty years and you've completely made that house your home? This is not a good guy.

BlueMum16 · 17/05/2025 08:13

Does the £1000 include the share of bills or is that extra. If included it sounds a fair contribution.

Are you saving too for your future?

Would you be happy living separately and dating?

anyolddinosaur · 17/05/2025 08:20

How long have you been living together?

Why are you doing the majority of the housework, managing the garden and so on? Either you are equal partners sharing a home together, as the financial split suggests, or he is taking advantage of you - and it's pretty clear which this is. He is not yet even prepared to offer any security for your future. So stop doing the extras. As for leaving your wealth to him - why? He doesnt need it and he's not leaving you anything. Maybe you'll come to love his children and want them to inherit from you, maybe not.

He's right to want to preserve his kid's inheritance and you have a home of your own so a reasonable provision for you would be the right to remain in his house for a year. If he loved you he would also be leaving your part of his estate, perhaps by saving you were entitled to the income from part of it with the capital going to his children when you die.

Someonelookedatmypostinghistorysoichanged · 17/05/2025 08:26

You are being used financially and as his personal keeper of all things.
Why should you leave your all to him and his family. That is your decision.
What do you love about him? Love is about actions, feelings are not reliable, because whilst you feel somethings loving…. His actions seem to say something different. He seems to love what contributions you make to his life and comfort.

Poopeepoopee · 17/05/2025 08:29

|Just agree with him then leave it to whoever you want.

By the time he finds out it'll be too late.

Bigpaintinglittlepainting · 17/05/2025 08:31

Yes I would feel upset, you are essentially acting as married without any of the benefits. But what's the solution?

Wowitsthunder · 17/05/2025 08:32

What is he doing while you are doing the garden and the housework? You both work full time so that doesn’t seem fair. If you pay £1000 plus bills that sounds like a lot especially considering he is loaded.

I wouldn’t personally do that much or pay that much in an unequal relationship. It depends how much you want to be with him in the here and now.

I don’t think much of the sons and their attitude either,

TwinklyRoseTurtle · 17/05/2025 08:32

Personally I would move back into your own home, unless financially and emotionally benefitting you, which doesn’t appear to be the case. You don’t need his home as you have your own but spend your time maintaining your own home instead. As the saying goes ‘ water your own grass’

Trailfinderexpress · 17/05/2025 08:32

You sound like the housekeeper who’s paying for the privilege.

rolloverbeethoven · 17/05/2025 08:37

You're expected to leave everything to him if you die? Naah, leave it to a cat's home.

Aparecium · 17/05/2025 08:43

Woah - he's in clover!

Why should he marry you or commit any part of his sons' inheritance to you? Why shouldn't you pass on all your hard-earned savings to him? After all, you already pay him for the privilege of being his housekeeper and bedwarmer.

Good god, woman! Listen to yourself. Imagine this wasn't you, but a friend telling you about her life.

Is this really a mutually affectionate, mutually respectful relationship?

FinallyHere · 17/05/2025 08:54

I’m sorry., I don’t understand this. Why do you do the majority of the housework? Why do you contribute to presents fir his family. What have you learned about relationships that you feel what you call ‘love’ for someone who treats you so very badly ? Why would you choose this life.

im very sorry, this really does sound terrible. I hope you see you have options.

if nothing else, inform yourself about the salary a really good housekeep would comment. And speculate how he would ‘fund’ anything else you do for him.

I really hope posting here can help open your eyes.

UnimatrixZeroOne · 17/05/2025 08:54

Poopeepoopee · 17/05/2025 08:29

|Just agree with him then leave it to whoever you want.

By the time he finds out it'll be too late.

Love this solution.

Dreichweather · 17/05/2025 08:56

Poopeepoopee · 17/05/2025 08:29

|Just agree with him then leave it to whoever you want.

By the time he finds out it'll be too late.

Seek legal advice but I believe if you leave if a small token he can’t contest it.

MoreChocPls · 17/05/2025 09:00

Why are you paying for his family and the house you don’t own? Stop doing all the housework etc. you’re a cheap easy ride for him.

Loopytiles · 17/05/2025 09:01

That wouldn’t be a deal most women would want. Your DP sounds sexist and nasty.

you work full time and he expects you to serve him like a housekeeper! And you are doing! Why?

Don’t leave your money to him: lie to him about it if easiest.

Paying 50% of the bills is unfair when he’s so wealthy and you have costs with your own property. Don’t pay towards anything for the house, it’s not yours. Other than any items you want/purchase and would still want and take with you if you move out.

Nor 50% on gifts for his family, he should cover that and you buy something from you should you choose to.

intrepidpanda · 17/05/2025 09:05

Financial split is fair. You boh pay the same bills and fun stuff
You both have your own house to pass to who you wish. You do mot have to put him in your will, he can expect all the likes but his is up to you.
But the household duties should be split.

Zanina · 17/05/2025 09:06

Sorry op but you need to move out. Even if you paid nothing financially, for all your labour you should have been given some provision even if that was now and not later. You must move out, he feels entitled to your money and labour. If you analyse further you will see he takes much more than he takes. I would silently move out so that he can't stop you. Please don't waste your time and resources, you can still have a relationship just not tangled with finances and labour. You're doing far too much even if you were married. Leaving inheritance to his kids is fine, but taking your resources now and after you pass is greedy.

VainAbigail · 17/05/2025 09:07

I am expected to leave all my wealth to my partner should I die

Errrrr, no! Why is this even a thing?! What’s he said to you to make you say this??

dontcryformeargentina · 17/05/2025 09:16

RhaenysRocks · 17/05/2025 08:08

100% this…

ZenNudist · 17/05/2025 09:24

What have I just read? What's he doing whilst you slave away tending him and his house? Stop!

Definitely will your money elsewhere.

If he actually cared for you he'd make provision for you when he dies

pinkdelight · 17/05/2025 09:26

I don’t get why you pay 1k as well as your split of the bills. Just have your own money as there’s no mortgage/rent to pay. Food bills can be split same as the utility bills are. As for making him his breakfast and lunch, you don’t ’have to’ do that - why on earth do you? He’s not a child, stop doing that and let him do it himself. Same for half the housework. You’re capable of making all these changes without his yay or nay so take some power back and stop mothering and trying to please him. I think he’s fine to leave the house and everything to his kids but then you need to look out for yourself and not act like he’s in charge of you. Tbf even if you were married and he left you everything in his will, I wouldn’t be waiting on him hand and foot either.

insomniaclife · 17/05/2025 09:27

Oh for fucks sake OP, read back what you wrote here. What are you thinking??? How have you justified this to yourself?

Ginmonkeyagain · 17/05/2025 09:28

Yoir remind him of things he needs to do and make him a packed lunch? Do you also lay out his school uniform and games kit every evening?

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