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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Reality check

65 replies

MyTicklishTealPoster · 17/05/2025 07:47

I live with my partner who is divorced with 2 adult sons who live independently. He owns the house we live in. I have no children, own a property with no mortgage that I rent out. Our living arrangements in my partners house involve us each contributing £1,000/month into a shared bank account, to cover food, social activities, purchase of items for the house and garden, and presents for his children and family. I also pay 50 percent towards all utility bills via a monthly direct debit into my partners account. My partner is wealthy, a high earner with finance earned from investments and inheritance. I have a good income and some savings. I do the majority of the housework, manage the large garden, work full-time in a demanding role, and am expected to make his breakfast and packed lunch daily, and remind him of things he needs to do.
My partner has said he does not want to marry, and that as part of his will the house and all his finance will be left to his children. He said he may at a later date consider adding a clause to his will enabling me to have a lifelong right to live in his house after his death until I die. I am expected to leave all my wealth to my partner should I die. His adult children, when we see them refer to their inheritance in conversations.
I am very upset, and feel used, in that I am contributing a significant and disproportionate part of my income to our shared life, whilst it enables him to save money for his adult children’s future. I have tried to discuss this inequity with him to no avail. I love him, and worry about my future based on this arrangement.

OP posts:

pinkdelight · 17/05/2025 09:28

And obviously don’t leave him anything. Bonkers that you’d be ‘expected’ to when he isn’t doing likewise. Has he brainwashed you into thinking you’re some second class citizen? If he’s that messed up and manipulative, you should get out anyway regardless of ‘love’. This is not what love looks like, sorry.

TheAmusedQuail · 17/05/2025 09:32

Why do you want to be with him?

He brings nothing to the relationship.

Catapultaway · 17/05/2025 09:38

How are you paying a disproportionate amount? It reads like you pay 50% of the living costs on a property with no mortgage, so you are effectively staying rent free whilst renting out your own property. You are better off.
He's right to leave the house to his kids, you're right to leave your house and assets to who you want to.
That aside if you're not happy in your relationship why does any of it matter, just leave.

RickiRaccoon · 17/05/2025 09:40

To me it sounds okay financially. Rich people are rich for a reason -- and it's usually not their generosity. It makes sense to keep finances separate for a later relationship where parties have children who aren't shared.

You're living free in his house (which must be quite nice?) and keeping the rent from your house so there must be a financial advantage for you there (?). 50% utilities bills sounds fair. £1,000 for food, social activities, house/ garden, presents (presumably it's your family?) sounds extravagant but I suppose, if you're enjoying that lifestyle, it's fair.

The housework is obviously unbalanced. For me it would depend if he's just sitting around while you're doing chores or working long hours in a demanding job. At the same time, if you're not seeing the money from his demanding job, it's not your problem and he should either do more or pay for a cleaner/gardener. I definitely wouldn't be doing breakfast and lunch for another grown-up.

I would tell him if he's not leaving you anything, you're not leaving him anything. Fairs fair.

TheAmusedQuail · 17/05/2025 09:49

Catapultaway · 17/05/2025 09:38

Paying approx. £1500 a month to him is in no way rent free!!!!

daisymoo2 · 17/05/2025 09:59

Does the money from your mortgage free property you rent out go into your account or a shared account? If your own account, does that not help to balance things out? You benefit financially through not having to live in that property and therefore the rent received is your income?

Catapultaway · 17/05/2025 10:03

TheAmusedQuail · 17/05/2025 09:49

Paying approx. £1500 a month to him is in no way rent free!!!!

Show quote history

😂 how is it not? It's 50% of the bills and shared living costs. Where is the rent element?

Mightyhike · 17/05/2025 10:04

Stand up for yourself OP. Stop doing more than your fair share of the housework and definitely stop making him a packed lunch! Make a will leaving your money to a relative or charity.

Fearfulsaints · 17/05/2025 10:09

I think it's fine for him to want to leave his house to his children, especially as you have a house of your own.

I'm not sure i'd be running the home for him (cleaning/gardening) and buying half the items for the home/garden without some sort of lifetime clause though.

I am not sure the reward of getting to live in a nice house you don't own (so rent free) would be quite enough for me to act as housekeeper. I sort of feel you live together because you love each other and sometimes that means someone is lucky and has a day to day life that's nicer than they could achieve on thier own but thier partner is happy to share the joy.

TheAmusedQuail · 17/05/2025 10:09

Catapultaway · 17/05/2025 10:03

😂 how is it not? It's 50% of the bills and shared living costs. Where is the rent element?

Show quote history

He's getting £1500 a month from her. She's paying rent and bills.

Fearfulsaints · 17/05/2025 10:14

TheAmusedQuail · 17/05/2025 10:09

He's getting £1500 a month from her. She's paying rent and bills.

Show quote history

I took the "it's for food, socialising and gifts' literally and assumed op felt that she could see that was how the money was being spent. So they went to lots of dinners out, concerts, gyms, holidays and so on. But maybe it's not.

Tupelobound · 17/05/2025 10:20

I couldn't get past being expected to make him his breakfast and lunch....

What is it with these men that can seemingly function in a high powered job yet are completely unable to put two bits of bread in a toaster in a morning or spend 5 minutes making a sandwich for his lunch? I'd be telling him to sling his hook on that basis alone.

C152 · 17/05/2025 10:46

There's a reason most divorced men get remarried and most divorced women remain single. If I were you, I would be serving notice to the tenant and moving back into my own property. It doesn't mean you have to stop seeing your partner, but he's not a true partner. Have fun, but sort yourself out financially; he won't.

PumpkinPie2016 · 17/05/2025 10:52

I'd be moving out if I were you!

Whether you want to continue to see him or not, I would not want to be living in a house I have no hold over, yet contribute to both financially and practically.
I also wouldn't be leaving my money to someone who 'might' give me a life long right to live in the house we have shared - sod that!

Honestly, you are not married and don't share children- move out into your own home so that you have security for yourself, plus you'll save yourself some money and time - win, win!

mumda · 17/05/2025 10:55

Our living arrangements in my partners house involve us each contributing £1,000/month into a shared bank account, to cover food, social activities, purchase of items for the house and garden, and presents for his children and family. I also pay 50 percent towards all utility bills via a monthly direct debit into my partners account.

That sounds a lot based on what our bills are.

Heronwatcher · 17/05/2025 10:58

It’s reasonable that he wants to leave the house to his kids.

It’s not reasonable that he expects you to leave your money to him or that you’re packing his bags/ food like a skivvy and also paying quite a bit of money towards his house.

I think I’d personally come up with a full idea of what you think is fair and then put it to him, but be prepared to walk if he doesn’t agree to it.

ThejoyofNC · 17/05/2025 10:59

When you say "expected", how have those expectations been related to you?

You're being an absolute mug.

Mauvehoodie · 17/05/2025 10:59

He's treating your relationship like a marriage when it suits him (you doing all the housework, being like his PA, expecting to inherit your house and money etc) and like a no commitment relationship the rest of the time (no inheritance for you or even for you to be able to remain in your home, 50/50 finances etc). Sone things are just bafflingly unfair like you doing all housework and gardening! None of this is on, he isn't showing any respect for you.

I'd start treating it like the casual relationship he is. Move back to your house and just "date" him. If you go round to his house, he cooks for you and vice versa. Stop all wife work for him till he actually gives you any of the benefits a wife would receive eg at least a fair % split of expenses based on salary. Make sure your will states your wishes eg half your estate goes to your own family/friends, other half to charity and that he knows it. He's treating you like a possession and an appliance not a human being.

AgnesX · 17/05/2025 11:02

So you pay a lump sum AND half the utility bills AND do housework/gardening/PA etc. AND he expects to be the sole beneficiary of your estate while you get nothing?

Not quite sure what you're getting out of this. I suggest that you move back your own home and see how things progress....

Poopeepoopee · 17/05/2025 11:18

Dreichweather · 17/05/2025 08:56

Seek legal advice but I believe if you leave if a small token he can’t contest it.

Show quote history

Believe that if you want.

butteredhorseradish · 17/05/2025 11:20

Is the 1K on top of the split bills? If it is, it's far too much. It's a ridiculous amount of money.
I'd be looking to change that first.
The food bill can also be split but as for the rest of it no. Why are you paying all this money for items for the house and garden when you're not going to get anything out of that if you either split or he dies and as it stands at the moment, not even the chance to live in the house until you die or for a set amount of time. You could be out on your ear pretty soon after he dies.

Also, you can leave your money to whoever you like and he's not leaving his to you I wouldn't be leaving yours to him either.

This sounds so imbalanced that I find it very difficult to believe actually.
It's a ridiculous situation and if he does not want to change some things to make it fairer then you should move out into a rental property until your tenants decide to leave your house. You'd be fucked if he dies or if he decides to split up with you. Think of your own financial stability and security first.

If you don't have your own children your money could be left to a sibling, cousin, the local dogs' home, some other charity...

SunshineIdiot789 · 17/05/2025 11:22

Why are you so desperate? Seriously, how low is your self esteem to let yourself be used like this?

Leave. Your life will improve.

5128gap · 17/05/2025 11:27

I think you need to take your feelings out of it (he has) and have an objective think about what this arrangement is costing you in money and labour, and whether its good value for the home and lifestyle you have. So, what would £1000 plus bills get you elsewhere if you were renting? Because really that's what you're doing. It's clear the money you are contributing is not buying you any form of asset, so you need a rethink with that in mind. As far as your domestic input goes, in your position I would not be doing this. Nothing to do with finances, but simply because its not fair for one partner to shoulder that much of the burden.

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 17/05/2025 11:37

He's sorted, eh😂
Live in housekeeper/gardener who PAYS him for that privilege

nomas · 17/05/2025 11:39

Leave him and change your will.

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