AIBU to still be this shaken after a man tried to chase me?

[Persianpaws]

I’m really looking for a bit of a handhold because I can’t sleep replaying things. I don’t want to keep going over it with loved ones.

Last night I was walking to the nearest supermarket about a mile away, it was 9.20pm and still light and I just fancied a walk, I’ve walked there lots of times with no issues.

I had AirPods in listening to an audiobook and had to walk down an unlit road under a railway bridge, there were some big houses on the same side of the street I was on just a few metres ahead, they were set back with a long drive leading to the main road.
Across the road on my left was a low wall with bushes on top that was leading into a field.

As I was walking I suddenly heard the leaves on the bushes rustling and saw a man peering out through them, he looked right and left to see who was around and then started heading towards me quickly. It was obvious from his facial expression and the way he moved that it wasn’t friendly or someone just crossing the road.

I suffer with severe anxiety and on more then one occasion I’ve felt threatened in a situation where I was safe, I have panicked and run away and it felt scary but the reasonable side of me was always aware it was an overreaction.
This was completely different, I didn’t panic and remembered reading someone posting on mumsnet to make my way to the nearest house if I felt threatened and not to run as it might make the person pursuing you to speed up to catch you.
I walked quickly towards the nearest house with intent as though I was unaware he was there and heading home, this made the man hesitate coming towards me. As soon as I made it onto the drive I ran towards the house and didn’t look back.
I instinctively knew this man meant me harm in a way different from my usual feeling of anxiety.

The owner of the house was walking past his front door when he saw me on the doorstep, I told him what had happened and he ran onto the main road to see if he could spot the man.
The roads to the left and right were open and straight, the man was nowhere to be seen and a group of men heading from the opposite direction hadn’t seen him, the only explanation was he’d gone back into the bushes or he’d have been easily spotted walking on the main road. I also imagine if it had been an innocent encounter he’d have tried to reassure me he meant no harm.

The adrenaline was pumping and so I still felt detached, the man from the house insisted his girlfriend take me home or to the supermarket, I said I’d be fine going to the shop as It felt safer going to a public supermarket and less hassle then a stranger taking me home, I know now I wasn’t thinking straight and should have called the police there and then.

I got a few things shopping including some wine and chocolate for the people from the house to drop off on the way home to thank them, as I got to the checkout the woman who served me commented on the chocolate and I said it was for a couple who had just helped me and just broke down, the adrenaline had worn off and it hit me what if that house wasn’t there?

I had spoken to the woman on the checkout many times as she served me in the past and she was a familiar safe person, I had started to shake and fight back tears and told her what happened, she was incredibly kind and offered me a lift home and to stay in store until she finished. I also called the police who sent a patrol out and agreed it was safer for me to go home with someone rather then wait for the police. There was a man in the store who escorted us to the car and even offered to follow us to check we were safe. The kindness of strangers was overwhelming last night and despite what happened it was really heartwarming to see how kind most people are.

I arrived home safe and the police visited, they took it very seriously and I learned another woman was attacked on that road and raped recently. I can’t stop thinking about that and feel so shaken.
In the same way my brain stopped me panicking and freezing I had taken in so many details about the man to give a full detailed description, there were a couple of distinctive features that I hope make him easy to find, it is going to be released on local news and social media.

One of the most frustrating things is I have “Hollie Guard” personal safety app on my phone and use it every time I go anywhere alone late, you shake your phone to raise an alarm, I was shaking my phone vigorously until I realised that as it had still been light I’d forgotten to set it for an active alarm.

Part of the reason I’m posting is because I’m still so shaken and keep going over and over things, I just wanted the reassurance from other women that I’m not overreacting when nothing actually happened to me. I have been sexually assaulted in the past which makes it so much worse and I feel like I’m an obvious victim.
The other reason is because I used the advice I read on this site and I feel it really saved me, I wanted to share it to other women - just in case.

The nights might be lighter and I live in a small town with minimal crime, you just never know when you’ll face a dangerous situation though. The other thing that really alerted me was the number of times I’ve read posts on here about “women’s intuition” and “spidey senses” I might not have trusted my gut as much if I hadn’t read all the stories people posted about it and how it helped them avoid danger.
This is long and I apologise but it feels important to share the advice again in case it helps another woman feel safe whether she is in real danger or not.

What an awful experience, I’m not surprised it’s lodged in your brain right now. Thumbs up to you for trusting your instincts. I would recommend getting a few sessions of emdr even if you have to pay privately. It’s very effective for treating PTSD without the messing around that comes with talk therapy. It will help you repackage the experience as just a memory as opposed to a raw trauma response.

Thank you for sharing.
A similar thing once happened to me. Though the man was caught and had mental health issues. He had done similar things in the past and was escalating.

Don’t underestimate the impact this will have on you. It affected me for many years, even though nothing physical happened and I didn’t feel safe going out alone again for a significant amount of time.

Look after yourself. I’m so glad you’re ok x

No you’re not being unreasonable at all, what an awful experience. You did all the right things, I’m so glad you’re safe.

adrenaline can take 24 hrs to come down - you’ll be shaken for a while. Try to do some simple box breathing and other actively calming things to help bring it all down.

Oh wow OP I’m so glad you’re safe!
That sounds terrifying. You 100% did the right thing. Instincts are incredible things and you listened to yours!

Thank you for sharing your experience and those helpful tips about not running—I didn’t know that and will bear that in mind for future walks alone.

I hope the bastard gets caught and punished.
All the best to you and please be gentle with yourself as you recover 🌺

How frightening but your reactions were spot on and potentially saved you. Hope you ok today 💐

I would only add that next time you go to the shops (at any time) please don't put your pods in you need to be alert,

Thank you so much for your kind words.
Part of me keeps thinking I’m completely overreacting because nothing actually happened and I managed to stay safe.
The other part of me feels sick thinking about it, I can’t sleep and keep replaying it thinking “what if?”

The police have offered victim support and I think I’ll take them up on it based on how I feel now and hearing how badly you were affected.
Thank you for sharing your experience I’m sorry this happened to you. I have the feeling it’s not something I’ll forget easily without professional help, the few people who have posted now though have made me feel I’m doing the right thing to ask for it instead of just trying to forget.

Thank you, I wouldn’t normally have worn them but I was lulled into a false sense of security with it still being light outside. They are on “environment mode” where the volume stops when there is any noise like traffic but I wouldn’t have heard something as small as rustling leaves if my book hadn’t paused to change chapter.

I included the detail in my post to show how dangerous it is to wear them - even when it’s light because it probably made me look vulnerable.

You did amazingly well to deal with that immediate threat as you did. I'm so sorry that you had to go through this.

I promise you, there's no such thing as an obvious victim. More women than not have been sexually assaulted, in being degrees of 'severity'. This isn't a 'you' thing. This is very much a 'him' thing.

The information you gave the police is incredible - so often it's difficult for them to get a good description. Your statement could very well help them catch a man who not only threatened you, but possibly raped another woman.

And please, please, please, be good to yourself right now. Don't focus what could have happened. Focus on doing what you need to do to get through this. That could be talking with friends and/or with a therapist, it could be giving yourself a couple of days of doing nothing and eating chocolate, it could be looking for self defense classes, it could be any of hundreds of options.

You are not overreacting. Not in the slightest. If anyone tries to suggest that you are, then they clearly have no understanding of how trauma affects people, not only in the moment, but going forward.

Absolutely not overreacting at all.
Your instincts and adrenaline kicked in to protect you from a threat.
You also did sensible things by going to the house to keep yourself safe.
You absolutely did everything you needed to do.
The adrenaline kicked in, which allowed you to be vigilant and to respond appropriately to keep yourself safe and alive
That is the job of adrenaline!!!! It comes in, and like others have said it takes a while to wear off.

You've experienced a really scary situation.
You're allowed to be shaken
It's reasonable to be very upset
It's reasonable to need extra support after something like this.

Look after yourself. It's very important.

Thank you, it was reading this (and the other lovely posts) that have finally made me give in and cry properly because I feel I’ve been permitted to.
I know that sounds silly but I felt I was wrong to until now because I managed to get away in a situation that lots of other women don’t, it felt a bit self indulgent feeling like I’ve actually been violated when there was nothing physical that happened.

The police took it so seriously but other people I’ve told seem to think it’s a “thank god you were safe, you are ok now aren’t you? situation?

It’s probably because I was relatively calm before the adrenaline properly wore off and I’d started replaying it in my mind.

I will take up the police’s offer for victim support and I’m on the waiting list for therapy for my anxiety. I love the idea of self defence classes and will look into that.

I was so wary about posting on AIBU but I couldn’t sleep and as well as wanting to share the advice I gave I wanted to know I wasn’t alone. I’m glad I did post because your reply and the others have helped me accept it’s ok to be this upset.

Thank you so much, I really appreciate the support.

If you walk alone a lot then please also consider the “hollie guard” app. I was silly not to use it last night because I’d have set off an alert sound when shaking my phone, it also notifies the contacts I choose, tracks my location and there is a timer so if I haven’t reached my destination in the set time it alerts authorities and my contacts. You use a PIN code to show you are safe.

When I first started using it I was just walking to the gym 5 minutes away, I forgot to turn it off and left my phone in the locker, I caused quite a lot of worry but it showed just how well it works!

I still can’t believe out of the hundreds of times I’ve used it (I live in a rural area) that the one time I didn’t this happened.

You are not overreacting, lovely.

Good for you, OP - give yourself credit for keeping your wits about you.

I have been chased twice, once when running by a van. I was running along a stretch of pavement next to an A road with a steep stone embankment to my L and the traffic to my R. This guy slowed right down and put his L wheels up on the kerb then drove after me, revving. I had nowhere to go - embankment was a sheer wall, couldn't jump into traffic - so just had to keep running, knowing if he chose to accelerate I'd be straight under his wheels.

It stays with you for some time after.

A very similar thing happened to me recently, a man appeared at my back out of nowhere and started following me, when I went to cross the road so did he and then I doubled back and ran for it. The worst was I was with my young child in a buggy, around 9pm but a light evening. I didn’t contact the police because I thought he actually hadn’t broken the law and felt a bit silly about it afterwards, but simultaneously shaken up. Now I wish I had phoned the police.Thanks for the advice about the Hollie app, I will be downloading! Hope you are ok x

You're not overreacting OP. You were incredibly brave and it's not unusual for span experience like this to leave you shaken for some time. You'll be full of "what if's" too.

My young adult DD sometimes takes our little dog out for a walk in the evening to a large park. That in itself makes me feel uneasy, but when I see her picking up her iPods I can't help but intervene and tell her to leave them behind and stay alert of her surroundings.

yes I agree, sooner the better. Hope you’re ok op

You are not over reacting. You alerted the police and have helped others by doing this. The kindness of strangers and people you know from daily life - you spoke up and alerted others and they took care of you. Be kind to yourself. Take it easy. Do you have someone you trust that could spend time with you and listen to what happened. Reach out for all support.

Not overreacting at all OP. A couple of years ago a man came up shouting at me from across the road, blocked my path, asking what I was laughing at, called me a dirty cunt and said he'd kick me between the legs next time, then kicked me. I cried out and saw an opening so ran up the road.

This was on my way to work, I saw another woman heading in his direction and warned her, then called the police. When I saw my manager at work I broke down only then. The panic was rising on and off all day.

I really recommend some therapy, I did some CBT (other things going on at the time as well but I ended up blacking out and hitting my head a couple of days later). Was very nervous for a while of any men walking near me or approaching. Broke out in a sweat because a man ran up behind me and he was actually running for a bus.

Also you handled that situation incredibly well. Part of my reaction was anxiety that I've always had good instincts and fight or flight, but I'd been so wrapped up thinking about work that I didn't spot the danger.

You’ve reacted heroically in those circumstances and having the presence of mind to note a careful description will massively help the police. Think not of the what ifs but the what did which is that you protected yourself and almost certainly other women too.

You are not overreacting, OP. I just wanted to add that there is some evidence that the best thing you can do straight after a stressful or traumatic event is talk about what happened. Just tell the story, like you did here, over and over. Phone friends, record it on your phone, write it down, phone a helpline... It can help to prevent ptsd symptoms.

This happened to somone else a week or so ago from memory that thread may help you

Firstly what a dreadful experience for you.take care and be kind to yourself,.aybe sit in the garden, watch a gentle film later on .it really passes me off when people minimilise trauma like this.like they would not be shKen up! It seems like girls and women have a curfew doesn't it.itsba summer evening down a main road FFS. Sending hugs to you xx

You're not overreacting.
I absolutely take my hat off to you.
You did everything right to protect yourself, you kept calm, trusted your instincts and sought help.
Well bloody done!
It's no wonder it's affecting you now, let all those emotions come, cry, shout, jump up and down, do whatever helps.
I'm so proud of you, be kind to yourself ❤️

You did so well @Persianpaws . How clear headed you were. Some good advice here too. How shockingly common this seems to be from the comments.

Be kind to yourself. You need to process it. Hope they catch the bastard.

The mind is a funny thing. Thirty odd years ago, I was approached by a man who tried to get me to go with him under some nonsense ruse about an event. He was so creepy I actually went to the police station. I still remember everything about the guy. Still wonder if he was ever caught doing something wicked. Nothing happened to me at all. He just spoke to me. But he really creeped me out and it was the look on the more senior police officer's face that stayed with me. No events were scheduled where he tried to take me.