Is my husband gaslighting me?

[Amibeinggaslit]

We are staying in a holiday rental with my family (we all shared cost but my Mum is lead guest).

This morning the owner politely mentioned to my Mum that we please do not charge electric cars from the property. My husband expressed some irritation with this but no real issue.

I took the car out and came back this afternoon, when obviously it was then not plugged in to charge.

Before we went to bed, my husband went to the car. I asked him what he was doing and he said he was sorting out the bags.

Not long after we went to bed, I heard my husband creep out the room. I wondered where he went and I thought oh my god he’s sneaked off to charge the car!

When he returned I asked where he went and he said to get a water. I demanded he show me his phone (car charge app). He agreed but unlocked the phone and opened the app himself and I saw a blue blob on the screen. The app then showed the car as not charging but as having the charge status updated that very minute.

I went outside to the car and saw the charge lead plugged in to the car, with a coat covering what would normally be a bright green light and the rest of the charge cable weaved in to the house via a window.

I conclude he has sneaked off to charge the car and I am furious! We were politely told no, that should be the end of it.

He is offering no explanation for this other than “it wasn’t charging!”. I wish he would just own up to what is quite clearly a blatant lie to my face.

He at one point said he plugged the cable in the car to “store it”. The cable has its own bag when not in use and this place has about 9 rooms and a huge porch - it doesn’t need to be “stored” there…..? He has offered no comment as to why a coat was delicately placed to cover the light.

What do you make of this? I find it so disrespectful to the owners, my mum, the rest of us to be honest. The reason for this trip is a special family occasion.

I really don’t know what to do. I am so angry. Short of him simply owning up tomorrow and admiring the error in judgement and apologising, I really don’t know where to go.

It seems trivial on one hand but he quite clearly thinks I am fucking stupid and that he can bare face lie to me. I feel totally disrespected and that if he will lie through his teeth on this, he will about anything.

For reference I checked the app again at 0015 and it was still showing as updated at the previous time (when I confronted him). He said the app refreshes on opening. I closed and opened it again…. Still the update from the last change to the car.

Is he lying through his teeth?! What would you do?

YABU - his explanation makes sense and even if not, it’s not that bad for him to try and sneak in a free charge
YANBU - he is lying and disrespectful

Do you feel like your husband is trying to undermine your sense of reality and make out you're mentally ill?

He isn’t suggesting I am mentally ill no, but he does seem to be suggesting his actions are totally normal and do not display an intent to charge the car despite being expressly asked not to, and so I am “wild” in my assumption/conclusion.

I have also just realised the position of the car is not where I left it - it’s in the exact same spot (so taking up no more room/didn’t get moved to shuffle with other cars) - but I didn’t reverse it in. He has spun it round - presumably to get the charge port bearer to the house plugs 😡

Yep, he’s lying.

Then it sounds like lying, not gaslighting.

Are you sure you understand what gaslighting means?

Evidently not, no. I suppose I feel like he is trying to distort my sense of reality in that this lie is so very blatant (isn’t it?!) that any attempt to refute it MUST require assuming that I am or making me feel that I am stupid/mad.

I guess my real question is “this is a bare face lie, right?” and I suppose the fact I feel the need to ask is quite sad. I feel gutted.

he's lying - it's hardly gaslighting

He's lying and your host is an arsehole. You're paying them, not the other way around.

He's lied to you, to stop the flack, only you know why you get to decide what he does and if your reaction is unreasonable. You aren't in charge of him. I think Air B&B owners are taking the piss with dos and don'ts. So is it your car, or shared? Is it the lying that angers you?

We share the car.
The sneaking and lying bothers me more than the truing to charge. I think that’s silly and a bit risky when the owner has been polite and we are one day in, but if he held his hands up and said argh ok yeah, then fine. It’s like the lie is now bigger than the thing itself.
I agree I wish the owner allowed charging but it’s also just not a big deal. We can drive to a point tomorrow and charge.

It feels like you both are being really weird about this 😕

In all honesty the words "mountain" and "molehill" are coming to mind.

i have zero tolerance for liars. as close to scum as you can get.

makes my skin crawl just thinking of my dh lying.
he needed to take it to the station and charge it while he scrolled his cellphone/took a walk/ or shopped.
this puts you in the position of being his mommy and reprimanding a grown adult, total sex turn off.

Lying is not the same as gaslighting

How long has it been since you said something that was less than 100% the truth? 🤔

@ASeriesOfTubes decades i would presume. certainly not my immediate family or my parent. a long long time.

I get what you mean, OP. He's lying very blatantly, rather like a kid protesting that he hasn't touched the birthday cake while you can see a big piece has been gouged out and is all over his face!

It's an utterly ridiculous thing to do. Fingers crossed for a climbdown and apology tomorrow.

Yes he's lying, I'd be really embarrassed too.
It could have been a fire risk and I'm betting their insurance doesn't cover it.

Decades in which you've never told someone you're fine when a bit under the weather but you don't really want to talk about it, never told a server that your food was good when actually it was a bit disappointing but not worth the hassle of sending back, never told your OH you're OK with doing whatever thing you've been invited to when actually you'd rather stick pins in your eyes? I don't believe you.

A quick Google says it costs about £13 to charge a car fully. Really the owner is being strange and could have charged you a set fee to charge the car. Not sure what you are supposed to do if it ran out?

He's lied to you because you went out in the car and it now needs to be charged. He knows you will tell the owner you charged it.

Mountain out of a molehill. I think you are all being unreasonable including the property owner but for different reasons.

Charge the car and then leave a tip for the cost.

actually no, not my style. i wouldn't lie about food or my feelings.
do you lie often or have other's lie to you?
are you not able to tell wait staff "not what i expected", or tell someone you're not impressed with xyz?
why are others not able to be truthful to you.
the op's partner would be getting a lecture up one side and down another about immaturity and lying.

I agree with this. I wonder if he lies to avoid dramatics.

I'll tell you what I make of this, but you're not going to like it.

First, I'm perturbed that you'd use a word like "gaslighting" for one measly possible deception.

Second, I think it's appalling that you demanded to see his cell.

Why would this be gaslighting?