Is my husband gaslighting me?

[Amibeinggaslit]

We are staying in a holiday rental with my family (we all shared cost but my Mum is lead guest).

This morning the owner politely mentioned to my Mum that we please do not charge electric cars from the property. My husband expressed some irritation with this but no real issue.

I took the car out and came back this afternoon, when obviously it was then not plugged in to charge.

Before we went to bed, my husband went to the car. I asked him what he was doing and he said he was sorting out the bags.

Not long after we went to bed, I heard my husband creep out the room. I wondered where he went and I thought oh my god he’s sneaked off to charge the car!

When he returned I asked where he went and he said to get a water. I demanded he show me his phone (car charge app). He agreed but unlocked the phone and opened the app himself and I saw a blue blob on the screen. The app then showed the car as not charging but as having the charge status updated that very minute.

I went outside to the car and saw the charge lead plugged in to the car, with a coat covering what would normally be a bright green light and the rest of the charge cable weaved in to the house via a window.

I conclude he has sneaked off to charge the car and I am furious! We were politely told no, that should be the end of it.

He is offering no explanation for this other than “it wasn’t charging!”. I wish he would just own up to what is quite clearly a blatant lie to my face.

He at one point said he plugged the cable in the car to “store it”. The cable has its own bag when not in use and this place has about 9 rooms and a huge porch - it doesn’t need to be “stored” there…..? He has offered no comment as to why a coat was delicately placed to cover the light.

What do you make of this? I find it so disrespectful to the owners, my mum, the rest of us to be honest. The reason for this trip is a special family occasion.

I really don’t know what to do. I am so angry. Short of him simply owning up tomorrow and admiring the error in judgement and apologising, I really don’t know where to go.

It seems trivial on one hand but he quite clearly thinks I am fucking stupid and that he can bare face lie to me. I feel totally disrespected and that if he will lie through his teeth on this, he will about anything.

For reference I checked the app again at 0015 and it was still showing as updated at the previous time (when I confronted him). He said the app refreshes on opening. I closed and opened it again…. Still the update from the last change to the car.

Is he lying through his teeth?! What would you do?

YABU - his explanation makes sense and even if not, it’s not that bad for him to try and sneak in a free charge
YANBU - he is lying and disrespectful

Good point, he is not a child so why would you demand anything?

Why did you quote the whole OP?

She asked to see the charging app on his phone because she correctly thought he was lying. That was reasonable, imo.

He carried on lying, so she ended up getting out of bed to look at the car. Would've been less of a pain in the arse all round if he'd just put his hands up to charging the damn car.

Haha, this is so odd.

Never had an electric car so can't say for certain, but if everything you've said is true, then he's DEFINITELY charged the car.

If my other half did something so inconsequential, so blatantly and tried to deny it, I'd absolutely terrorise him about it until he begged me for mercy! All his birthday/Christmas/anniversary cards would be addressed to the Duracell Bunny 😅

Personally I'd find the whole sneaking about in the night and using a coat to cover the light pathetically hilarious in an Alan Partridge kind of way. I'd also definitely be on OH's side though and be sad that he'd not involved me in the mission.

Do you think he lied because he anticipated an overreaction?

I really don’t understand why people are struggling so much with this. The owner has politely for whatever reason as is his right asked that his electric point not be used to charge your car. Instead of being courteous and showing common decency and basic respect your husband has gone down multiple avenues to hide the fact that he has. Disrespectful and selfish to the extreme. He clearly has no intention of paying the man for his electric use because otherwise he wouldn’t be hiding it. It wouldn’t make it right even if he did.

Whether people think the owner should allow them to charge it is irrelevant. It’s his property and he’s asked them politely not to and that should be the end of that. Anything other is blatantly cheeky-fuckery and your husband has now effectively stolen from the owner. If people think it’s okay to do this sort of stuff it’s the same as stealing the equivalent amount in goods out of a shop or from a persons wallet. The cost is immaterial. You will have a contract that doesn’t state any breakdown in costs for use of the charging point so your husband is robbing this man and this would give the owner reasonable grounds to kick you out of the rental and jeopardise the rest of your stay. I would be livid, that is so embarrassing of your husband to put you all in that position after he’s been asked not to. The lying is a whole separate issue which is infantile, petty and shameful. Yes, he’s turned the car around and tried to distort your perception of reality to hide it. The fact that people have tried to blame you for starting an argument for no reason and being dramatic as opposed to acknowledging your husband is morally wrong is frankly laughable. Shows how low a lot of people’s standards really are.

I have a friend who never lies (even what you are quoting as white lies). Me, myself and I? Yeah I probably have done so but for my mate, a liar on any level is this visceral for them.

Sorry @Amibeinggaslit on your case yeah your husband lied to you. Hopefully he will apologise in the morning.

He is a thief. Your holiday let does not include electric car charging. He needs to pay for it.

Check your t&c's for the holiday let. If they say no charging and you have been, they may have the right to terminate your stay. Lots of holiday lets aren't insured for charging cars as a fire hazard.
Also its against fair use of electricity, which is expensive for a holiday let owner.
Bar all that... sounds like your husband is lying and a total knob.

I was severely harmed by a lie in 1993.
That’s the last time I lied, big or small, to anybody I Iove.
I know firsthand the damage a lie can do.

He’s tried to tiptoe out to charge the car. God loves a trier. You’ve caught him, but fair play to him for ignoring the host. They’ve probably charged you a fortune to stay there.

Some words just need to be banned at this point due to the excessive misuse - gaslighting and narcissist should be the first two.

I own a holiday let and a guest last year melted one of my plug sockets by doing this. Just tell him to look up where the nearest chargers are and plan better

And yes- he is a dick and a liar

Agree with @Hyperbowl

It is clear cut. Your husband did something you were all asked not to do by the owner of the property. He did it anyway (even though he could easily charge his car elsewhere). This is wrong. He then lied to you about doing it. This is also wrong.

I would speak to him directly about his behaviour and tell him his actions reflect on all the guests (including your mum) and that you don't appreciate his lying to you.

To those saying why shouldn't they use the electric to charge their car, why should they? It is a potential fire risk, possibly a breach of insurance terms and an additional cost for the owners. It sounds like a large house, what if 5 cars needed to be charged? I wouldn't expect an Airbnb to provide petrol, why should you use their electric to charge your car! When you have one of those imo ridiculous cars, you need to factor in the logistics of charging it. Very entitled

As for the husband, it is odd for him to lie and go so far to hide it. I would be annoyed about this

It would worry me that he lied but not just that, made great strides to cover it up and say that you had the problem. Is he always so dishonest or is it out of character?

Yeah ridiculous car not polluting the planet with fumes 🤔

But yes, it is entitled behaviour to charge when you've been asked not to. And would be really obvious.

They are the kind of lies that everybody tells now and again just to keep life simple in the moment. If you really think you have zero tolerance for liars then I have a bridge to sell you, because I guarantee you've been told similar ones hundreds of times whether you've spotted them or not.

He’s lied, it isn’t remotely gaslighting. Don’t try and make it something it isn’t. I, like others, think he did it because he thinks it’s a stupid rule by the owner and he knows you’ll try and tell him off like he’s an errant child rather than an autonomous adult. You’re being extremely dramatic about the whole thing staying up late to sneak onto his phone. Chill out a bit.

I can’t believe anyone thinks its ok to fully charge a car on someone else’s electricity bill when they’ve been expressly asked not to do this. Would you syphon petrol out of your host’s car to put into yours?!

Your H is a cheeky fucker and a liar. Its not gaslighting in the extreme, but lying to your face and making out like you’re unreasonable for questioning him is designed to make you question the evidence in front of your eyes, and reality itself, so it does have gaslighting vibes.

If your hosts have an app for their energy supplier they’ll be able to see the huge bump in electricity usage overnight and I imagine you’ll be evicted later today. Start looking for a new place OP!

How is it a stupid rule to not want guests using £15 in electric to save paying at a charging station?! Cheeky fuckers.

You 100% shouldn’t charge a car if you’ve been specifically asked not too. It’s nothing to do with the cost of electricity, but a safety issue. You don’t know if the wiring & main mains supply into the house can handle the power draw. It’s a serious fire risk, and your husband shouldn’t drive an electric car if he doesn’t know this!

Of course he’s lying. I’d be annoyed too - it’s so childish.

Regarding the charging itself, could you perhaps offer to pay the owners extra, to cover the electricity used?

Edited to add, I see someone says it’s not about the cost. I know nothing about such things but perhaps the owner could be asked.

Tbh I would have just given the owner the cost to cover the electric and charged the car

I love a thread where people get a chance to explain what the term gaslighting really means. Have we had Ingrid Bergman yet? Actually that wasn’t the original version, you know.

Anyway, OP’s DH sounds like a straightforward knob end if that helps.