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AIBU?

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Original poster

8 yo DS behaviour

39 replies

Wittsend1 · 16/05/2025 20:13

looking for advice more than anything. I am at my wits end with our 8yo DS. He has never been a happy go lucky child, a very negative thinker, was a very whiny baby and is still a very whiny child. His behaviour has increasingly become worse and worse. He will wake up in a bad mood, extremely grumpy, will argue about eating breakfast/ going to school/ what socks to wear/ what underwear to wear, he will find something wrong with everything! everyday is a battle. Picking him up from school, he still looks grumpy, will start to argue about the silliest of things! As the evening hoes on he will wind his little sister up, he will hit her, lie to my face about doing it, i will send him to his room and go in to have a chat about his behaviour where he does this horrible “oh stooooohhhoooop” (telling me to basically shut up) he has 0 respect for his father AT ALL, and DH doesn’t really help the situation as he just does not parent him. I’ve tried to talk to him saying I noticed he seems unhappy and is there anything upsetting or worrying him? He says he’s fine, but his behaviour is concerning me so much i’ve been in tears this evening after yet another hectic evening in his delightful company. I would love to be able yo enjoy my son and enjoy his company, but its gotten to the stage I dread picking him up from school, he is SO grumpy! He does have dome lovely qualities but atm the bad outweigh the good

OP posts:
Dreichweather · 16/05/2025 20:27

Sounds difficult.

What’s his life like? Does he get enough exercise, eat health, limited screen time? Do you and his Dad spend time and have fun with him?

The my hidden chimp work book might be good shout.

Original poster
Wittsend1 · 16/05/2025 20:32

Dreichweather · 16/05/2025 20:27

Sounds difficult.

What’s his life like? Does he get enough exercise, eat health, limited screen time? Do you and his Dad spend time and have fun with him?

The my hidden chimp work book might be good shout.

he’s an active boy loves his football etc, is a farmer’s son so plenty of outdoor time HOWEVER I think this is a big factor in his behaviour as his Dad isnt able to spend much time with us and is always busy. School have no issues, say he’s a confident boy but is a bit behind with his reading x

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Jabberwok · 16/05/2025 20:32

Have you asked him why he behaves like this? At 8 he should be able to start to verbalize his feelings.

Do you reward good behaviour, giving him.something to look forward to may encourage positivity from him

BookArt55 · 16/05/2025 20:34

Same questions as above.
But mainly it he really asking for attention/ connection in the wrong way. Can you and him have time alone, uninterrupted, no screens, doing something he enjoys that you give 100% attention? It needs to become regularly. So they recommend 10mins a day, theb a bigger chunk of time at the weekend.

Dreichweather · 16/05/2025 20:35

Can he hang out with Dad on the farm?

I would also support him with his reading. You need to build his confidence.

Original poster
Wittsend1 · 16/05/2025 20:36

Jabberwok · 16/05/2025 20:32

Have you asked him why he behaves like this? At 8 he should be able to start to verbalize his feelings.

Do you reward good behaviour, giving him.something to look forward to may encourage positivity from him

Yes we’ve had many discussions, he says he doesnt know and says it will stop, but it never does, it might be better for a few days. The trouble with he is SO negative, I try to arrange something nice, there will be something wrong with it. He hates going anywhere as well, the negativity is getting too much! DD (nearly 4) is the complete opposite and loves life 😅

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Original poster
Wittsend1 · 16/05/2025 20:38

Dreichweather · 16/05/2025 20:35

Can he hang out with Dad on the farm?

I would also support him with his reading. You need to build his confidence.

He loves spending time on the farm, part of me thinks he resents the fact we don't live there as he loves farming.

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VivaVivaa · 16/05/2025 20:42

Does he like school? How is he at making and keeping friends?

Dreichweather · 16/05/2025 20:44

I woulf try doing some thing like this with him to get a better idea of what is going on

www.socialworkerstoolbox.com/the-three-houses-template/

Original poster
Wittsend1 · 16/05/2025 20:45

VivaVivaa · 16/05/2025 20:42

Does he like school? How is he at making and keeping friends?

He did have issues with a certain rough kid, took a while and alot of back and forth for it to be sorted, but it has been sorted atm and he says the kid r bother him any more. Teachers have no concerns other than reading, but he’s not extremely keen going at all, begs for days off etc.

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Original poster
Wittsend1 · 16/05/2025 20:46

Dreichweather · 16/05/2025 20:44

I woulf try doing some thing like this with him to get a better idea of what is going on

www.socialworkerstoolbox.com/the-three-houses-template/

Thank you, I do feel I need to dig deeper with him, even thought about reiki not sure how much I believe in that sort of thing but willing to try 😅

OP posts:
Dreichweather · 16/05/2025 20:48

It sounds like he is a very unhappy boy.

Original poster
Wittsend1 · 16/05/2025 20:51

Dreichweather · 16/05/2025 20:48

It sounds like he is a very unhappy boy.

It does! I don't know what to do. Both children have a loving home DH and I love each other and them dearly, they are well fed, clean, never without, anything the need or want they are given (within reason obviously) like i say DD is the complete opposite

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Original poster
Wittsend1 · 16/05/2025 20:54

I sometimes think that I am getting him down when I talk to him about his attitude etc, but I just dont want him to grow up to be a bad person! I dont know how I can get him to understand that, if there is nothing wrong, his behaviour cannot continue, he gets annoyed every time I try and tell him

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VivaVivaa · 16/05/2025 20:56

I’m probably going to get my arse handed to me. But a child this unhappy, who has been this way since a baby, with no obvious physical or social cause…I would consider neurodiversity. Did he meet milestones on time? Crawling and talking etc? Any sensory issues that you’ve spotted - you’ve said eating and getting dressed are a battle, could these be sensory things?

VivaVivaa · 16/05/2025 20:57

And has he been assessed for dyslexia, if reading is an issue?

Original poster
Wittsend1 · 16/05/2025 20:59

VivaVivaa · 16/05/2025 20:56

I’m probably going to get my arse handed to me. But a child this unhappy, who has been this way since a baby, with no obvious physical or social cause…I would consider neurodiversity. Did he meet milestones on time? Crawling and talking etc? Any sensory issues that you’ve spotted - you’ve said eating and getting dressed are a battle, could these be sensory things?

This has crossed my mind. He has issues with certain clothing (seems to be getting a little better now) so he went through a spell that he would only wear joggers, nothing else, jeans were “too tight” did not feel right. If socks dont sit right on his feet he would throw huge tantrums, same with the tounge of the shoe, if that wasn’t a certain way. He is currently going through a stage of only shorts (not just because he is hot) because trousers are not comfortable, milestones when he was a baby were all fine, a little later walking perhaps but still ok x

OP posts:
Original poster
Wittsend1 · 16/05/2025 21:01

VivaVivaa · 16/05/2025 20:57

And has he been assessed for dyslexia, if reading is an issue?

I raised this with his old teacher, she didnt think there was a problem. His current teacher thank god has acknowledged that he is a little behind but it may one day “click” and they will keep an eye.

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Twintrouble1234 · 16/05/2025 21:10

Have you tried love bombing him! Like squeezing the grumps out and the love in (big bear hug), kisses til he giggles, tickles and that sort of thing. One of my DC needed that physical contact and although older now he still has grumpy spells and I realise we've not had that close contact for a while so I'll sneak if for an unsuspecting cuddle and you can actually feel them relax

Hrunf · 16/05/2025 21:11

I would stop talking to him about it. Realistically an eight year old boy is unlikely to have much agency over his behaviour and it sets him up for failure and disapproval.

I know it’s really hard with negative kids, but I would try really hard to ignore the bad and give positive attention to the good. So when he’s whining you pretend not to notice. When he hits, you implement the consequence with no drama. When he does something positive, you notice. Eg “thank you for helping your sister”; “I loved your tricks on your bike”; “It was great for me that you helped with dinner”.

Get his dad to set aside a small amount of time every day for positive 1:1 activity together. Even just 10 minutes. He chooses what they do (a game or drawing together or whatever).

Finally, accept him for what he is and work out what helps in the moment. Don’t exhaust yourself trying to pep him up, but help him to identify how he is feeling and get into a routine of what to do when he feels sad or cross or whatever. With my DD I might identify the feeling for her (“you seem to be a bit down”) and then remind of things we have identified that help (“shall we have a cuddle and then you could do some Lego?”)

outingouting · 16/05/2025 21:16

Hi, no tips but my 7yo DD is very similar. Glass half full all the time. It’s very wearing. I’m now trying not to perk her up but to not let it get me down.

Hitting his sister is poor tho - a line is crossed there.

Haveyouanyjam · 16/05/2025 21:19

Sounds quite a bit like my 10 yo DSS. He has had other trauma and therapy and can communicate some of his issues, but the negative, argumentative side that seems to come from nothing is the same. Sometimes it’s because he’s bottling something but other times it’s like he can’t help himself and he seems to almost get enjoyment out of it. Is he otherwise thrill seeking? DSS highly likely has ADHD.

Original poster
Wittsend1 · 16/05/2025 21:22

I dont know why the whining gets to me so much it’s as if I cant stand it anymore (i realise this is on me and I need to work on that)

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HollyBerryz · 16/05/2025 21:26

What's he like during the holidays?

Notmyrealname22 · 16/05/2025 21:27

It might be time to talk to a GP and/or a psychologist. I took my kids to see a psychologist when they were younger. There is no harm in trying. The psychologist was just like a lovely friendly person talking to them and playing games with them, much like when I took one to a speech therapist. They might be able to help your DS develop coping mechanisms for his feelings.

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