8 yo DS behaviour

[Wittsend1]

looking for advice more than anything. I am at my wits end with our 8yo DS. He has never been a happy go lucky child, a very negative thinker, was a very whiny baby and is still a very whiny child. His behaviour has increasingly become worse and worse. He will wake up in a bad mood, extremely grumpy, will argue about eating breakfast/ going to school/ what socks to wear/ what underwear to wear, he will find something wrong with everything! everyday is a battle. Picking him up from school, he still looks grumpy, will start to argue about the silliest of things! As the evening hoes on he will wind his little sister up, he will hit her, lie to my face about doing it, i will send him to his room and go in to have a chat about his behaviour where he does this horrible “oh stooooohhhoooop” (telling me to basically shut up) he has 0 respect for his father AT ALL, and DH doesn’t really help the situation as he just does not parent him. I’ve tried to talk to him saying I noticed he seems unhappy and is there anything upsetting or worrying him? He says he’s fine, but his behaviour is concerning me so much i’ve been in tears this evening after yet another hectic evening in his delightful company. I would love to be able yo enjoy my son and enjoy his company, but its gotten to the stage I dread picking him up from school, he is SO grumpy! He does have dome lovely qualities but atm the bad outweigh the good

It would get anyone down eventually so please don't beat yourself up! Negativity, wherever it comes from, saps your energy and wears you down. Is there a child-friendly version of grey rock? I always find it helpful with the in-laws who are prone to complaining about anything and everything. I don't actually have DC so have no advice really but a friend swears by the chimp book mentioned earlier.

I would meet with the SENCO. I think he needs a dyslexia assessment.

I have to say, there are a lot of red flags for autism with demand avoidance here (‘PDA’ if you will, but PDA is over diagnosed a lot, lots of high functioning autistic children are demand avoidant without being full blown PDA). I’d have a read about it. I’m seeing avoidance, sensory preferences, anxiety, equalising behaviour and communication issues, which can all be relevant.

He’s ok, out and about on the farms so loves it, likes no time constraints on him gets himself dressed with no issues because he knows he’s doing something he loves that day x

I also wonder if he's neurodivergent as hols take all the school stress/overwhelm away

He sounds unhappy. You’ve compared him a few times to your DD which makes me think this might be the root of it, if you are always saying how grumpy and whiny he is compared to his lovely happy sister then it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. Shower him with love, praise him, admire his good qualities, let him hear you talk positively about him to others. Don’t engage with the whining, don’t ask him why he’s doing it, just try to ignore it and praise the good stuff instead.

I agree. Many ND are co occuring conditions so he could have dyslexia and another ND.

Make an appointment with the SENCO and class teacher and share you concerns. Ask if there is anyone they can refer him for support eg school nurse.

I don't think having lots of conversations about why he's done this or that is really constructive. Essentially it's going to make him feel bad about himself and he's probably already feeling that.

I would make a concerted effort to ignore the negative comments and whining and to be breezy and cheerful, even if you aren't feeling it - fake it till you make it! Accept that your boy is just a bit of an Eeyore, glass half full type of person. Encourage his participation in all the farming activities he loves and lavish love and praise on him when he displays desirable behaviour. Essentially ignore the bad as much as you can and praise the good!

At age 8 he could really do with more input from dad - spending time with his dad doing activities they both enjoy will create a strong bond and a role model that he really needs. Is it possible that he feels resentful about his 'much easier' little sister and feels she gets more praise and positive attention?

This sounds really tough. He may just be more of a negative character and it's trying to work with that that can be so challenging.
We've had issues with our slightly younger son and am finding Kate Silverstone's book there's still no such thing as naughty really helpful.

Thank you all for you comments so far, they have all been very useful with lots to think about. I try my best not to compare him to his sister but I must admit it has happened. He has plenty of amazing qualities as well, he is an amazing little farmer and can do things practically that many lads his age probably can’t. He enjoys the extracurricular opportunities that come with school like football, folk dancing and isn’t afraid to try any opportunity if he likes the sound of it. He is actually thinking about it much better 1-1. He can be extremely witty when he’s not being grumpy, I think today has just been a particularly bad day.

Start talking …
ask at pick up

“ I notice your face looks unhappy - tell me about it”

”I hear you sounding negative about XYZ, tell me about it”

”wow, you sound grumpy - what’s happened”

either he starts talking
or
there is nothing

if there is nothing … ok to say to him, if you are happy or just feeling neutral - great, but do you realise you look/sound angry/unhappy? That sort of behavior can drive people away … do you want that? Etc

We found stripping right back really helped.
I know people say no screen time and be out al the time doing activities and outdoor stufd, but for some kids, my youngest for example it's too much.
Have you tried just having a super chill couple of weeks where it is just school, home and maybe one sport once a week. Lots of tv time. Shift bedtime half hour earlier and also having some special times in the week where it is just you and him, or just him and dad together doing something super quiet and non energetic like a puzzle or lego.
My eldest was an out everywhere every day kidz then i had my grumpy younger one and hes happier when he has not much to do other than school.

How often is he grumpy first thing in the morning? My son is sometimes grumpy and went through a bad stage of if - he sweated a lot in the night and I reckon woke up feeling a bit drained. I used to leave a couple of plainish biscuits (rich tea) in a tub by his bed for him to eat before he even got up, just to give that little sugar boost. And I used to really encourage him to drink water first thing.

Maybe try something like affirmations each morning ie “today is a good day”. Sounds silly and I’ve never needed it but others swear by it as adults.

I have a relative like this and he turned out to be neurodiverse. Like your son, he grew up in a happy, loving home full of activities etc so it was confusing why he was like this as his sibling isn'tat all. His father didn't handle it well and told him off a lot for his behaviour which I think made him act up more. The parents are seeking extra support but the diagnosis helped the parents handle his behaviour better.