What’s your opinion on adults telling children their emotions

[Yolomy]

Not said in jest or in a silly way, said seriously, to child regularly. Variations of the below phrases, parent to child after not seeing them for a few days:

I missed you so much all I did was cry

I cried the whole time I didn’t see you as I missed you

I have been crying every day when you weren’t here

I cry when I am not with you as I miss you so badly

I'm a therapist and I know of many many clients I've worked with that as children were made to feel responsible for their parents emotions and it's very damaging to people

I think it’s fine for kids to know you were thinking about them when they’re away. Not in a “I missed you so much I cried all day”, more in a “when I was shopping I saw this thing I thought you’d like”, or they came to mind while I was doing x. Sharing emotions is fine, using those emotions to control your kids is abusive.

I am presuming ex-partner and you want something for court? Or childhood trauma of your own?

i agree that it’s emotional abuse. Far better to say something along the lines of “I’m really happy to see you”

It’s not in any context so impossible to answer. I often say to my kids that I’ve missed them a lot and couldn’t wait to see them. I communicate if I’m upset about something so that they understand if I’m a little impatient or something. It depends if the words are meant as a manipulation to make a point with another parent or upset the child.

I work with children in a safeguarding role. If this is a pattern of behaviour happening regularly then I would agree with pp that there is an element of Emotional Abuse.

Not all Emotional Abuse is deliberate. IME parents who over-share with their DC, offload on them emotionally and make them feel that it is their job make them 'happy', often don't realise they are doing it. In the vast majority of cases they are so wrapped up in their own issues that they don't recognise the emotional impact of the things they're saying on their DC. In a minority of cases, they know exactly what they're doing and it is a deliberate attempt to discourage the DC from spending time with their other parent.

Not for court. For supporting the child. I would like ideas on how to feed this back to the other parent as I think it’s not intentional harm but it is nevertheless harmful. The parent doing this has expressed concerns about the child’s anxiety without any self awareness of their own contribution. It may not be fruitful to feed back if the other parent is not willing or able to have that self awareness but I want to support the child. I already do, with explaining they are not responsible for adults emotions but they are very confused

I’m curious as I did not know if I am being over sensitive. It makes me feel uncomfortable but I don’t know if this is me being hypersensitive to what I feel is emotionally abusive. Sometimes it helps to have a sense check.

The context is parent hasn’t seen child for a few days. And those phrases are the first greeting on being reunited with them

😒 That's an awful thing to do to a child. Whoever said it needs to grow up.

I know I am being vague sorry but I am trying hard not to be biased too much to influence responses (which is hard)

It’s shared custody so both parents have equal time with child. There isn’t animosity between parents or any court involvement. The parent saying this didn’t used to have equal time, they had less, their choice.

The child is very anxious and gets frequently upset and difficultly regulating emotions. Very sensitive to any slight suggestion of rejection or getting told off, even gently. Quite worried about child’s emotional wellbeing

The other parent says these phrases at every handover, every call and never wishes them a nice time.

I do think there is truth in other parent wishing or trying to influence child to ‘choose’ them over the other parent, but in actual fact, child has preference for the parent who doesn’t do this, so I wonder if this stuff makes it worse and is pushing child away, therefore parent tries harder to pull them back. I don’t know

No, you aren't being overly sensitive. Listen to your instincts and possibly reword some of the posts on this thread to help said adult in managing their emotional outbursts.
If they are unaware that they are being emotionally abusive, then guide them, any loving parent would change their ways.
If they are then doing this to be manipulative I'd be having serious words (along the lines of fuck off & get a grip etc)

You can influence but you won't have any control over this problem. Do what you can but recognise your limitations as you won't be with them and the child 24/7 presumably.

No doubt based the examples given, they are emotionally dumping on a child which is harmful to that child's MH and highly manipulative.