What’s your opinion on adults telling children their emotions

[Yolomy]

Not said in jest or in a silly way, said seriously, to child regularly. Variations of the below phrases, parent to child after not seeing them for a few days:

I missed you so much all I did was cry

I cried the whole time I didn’t see you as I missed you

I have been crying every day when you weren’t here

I cry when I am not with you as I miss you so badly

Yeah that’s bad, fast track to screwing up a child.

It's usually acceptable to tell your child what's going on emotionally and to name your feelings, and demonstrate working through them.
.

"I'm feeling disappointed because I didn't get the job I wanted. I am going to ask for feedback so I can improve for next time I get an interview, but I still feel a bit down."
"I'm feeling frustrated because my computer isn't working. I am going to go for a walk to calm down and then come back and try again."
"I am feeling very, very sad because a relative died. I might well be sad for a few days and I will need you and Daddy to be patient with me whilst I try to feel better. You might see me crying a lot but it won't be forever and I will be OK."

Talking to your child about your personal relationship issues is very rarely acceptable, and the above examples are just abusive. He/she is just trying to make them feel guilty for visiting their other parent and it's part of parental alienation. In line with the above examples,

"Did you have a wonderful time with Daddy? I missed you a few times and gave your teddy a big hug, but I did lots of fun grown-up things and some boring ones too! I've been thinking of all the fun things we can do together now you're back."

It absolutely IS emotional abuse imo. Guilt tripping and no need.

Yuck. What was the context? Was the child at the other parent becuase then it goes from weird and inappropraite to manipulative as I imaigne it's a way to stop the child wanting to go to the other parent.

My DF used to do this to me and my brothers as siblings after my DM kicked him out. Every weekend we’d see him, he’d tell us that he missed us so much all he did was cry all week waiting to see us, he couldn’t eat or sleep, and he might as well be dead, etc. I was 5 years old and I still remember the panic every time he dropped us back home that I’d never see him again because he was going to kill himself.

He did it to punish my mother. He wanted us to be angry with her and put pressure on her to take him back. He was an abusive twat.

Thanks all. I wanted to sense check that I was not being unreasonable to find this inappropriate. It makes me feel so deeply uncomfortable as I have heard this said many, many times (almost all handovers or phone calls) by one parent and yes the child is very anxious. I think the person saying it has no insight to the impact this might have on a child and is constantly repeating it as some kind of proof of love that when apart all they do is cry and pine for them as if this is normal

It isn’t having an effect to stop the child wanting to be apart from that parent but the child is constantly anxious about upsetting people and I think this is the reason why.

It's fine, and helpful, for adults to use emotional language around kids and to model managing their emotions, but kids should never feel responsible for adult's emotions. It's abusive.

That's not sharing emotions. That's making someone else responsible for your emotions and your reaction to those emotions.

I will sometimes talk to my kids about my age appropriate ways. It's good for them to know that adults feel things too, that it's ok to talk about those emotions and also makes sure they're aware that those emotions might not have anything to do with them. Something like "I'm a bit sad today because I got some bad news about X. I'd really like a hug if that's ok, and maybe we can do quiet things this afternoon." Or "I'm feeling really stressed because of some things that happened at work today. I'm trying to forget about it but I'm finding it a bit difficult to turn my mind to something else."

But the case in the OP is miles from that. I might say "I missed you so much, but I cheered myself up thinking about what a good time you were having" or whatever.

You're the child's step mother?

When our GD was about 8 she had a teacher whowould say stuff along the lines of
You make me feel so sad when you've not bothered to learn your spellings, and sometimes you've made me so sad at school I want to go home and cry.
This would be to individuals, groups and while class. When my DiL was telling me I told her to speak with HT immediately and get it shut down. This was emotional blackmail/abuse which turned our GD from confident caring young girl to an anxious mess who was scared incase her behaviour cause her teacher some emotional upset.

Horrendous manipulation to force negative feelings on a child's conscious.

That sounds manipulative and would have made child-me very anxious. It’s much better presented as positives, like “I’ve been looking forward to seeing you” or “I’m so happy you’re here”.

We had similar with my SD and her Mum. It's a long standing pattern, and goes beyond just the "I missed you!" and sending endless texts about it when she's with us.

When SD was 8 she told me that her and her Mum had both agreed that they wouldn't be able to live without the other and if one died the other would kill themselves. She also gets told the intimate details of the fights that her Mum and stepdad have- her Mum will come into her bedroom late at night, wake her up and tell her that stepdad is leaving and she's not going to see him anymore because he's been so horrible to her, and then in the morning it's blown over and it's like nothing has happened.

Unfortunately, it's had the effect that Mum wanted, they are hugely codependent on each other and SD has been reluctant to spend much time with her Dad throughout her childhood. We moved away subsequently as we were only in the area for her and hardly seeing her, and she comes up for holidays and occasional weekends, but it often feels like it's under duress.

Nothing wrong with the parent saying they missed them. But crying all day is to much of a burden on the child. Likewise sharing other problems with their children.

General emotional states can be helpful

Your examples are emotional manipulation at best, emotional abuse at worst.

Those Examples are so manipulative and horrible. A child shouldn’t have to hear that.

Otherwise, age appropriate comments are fine: “mummy is sad because grandad Died”, “I’m going to miss you but hope you have a wonderful time”, “ I was scared because I didn’t know where you were”. Children need to understand that other people have feelings and emotions too.

I'm very open and honest with my child about my emotions. I have significant physical illnesses. Being honest is best in my view. He's seen me cry. I explain what was happening and reassure and apologise if I caused worry. I will explain why I'm angry. If it something outside of his behaviour I won't really go into the specifics of it at all and will just deal with that. A good example here is being rikled up inside by the multiple sociopathic/ narc head fucks in my family. I.cant exactly tell a child about that. So hiding that is tough. They feel it.

I'm ok with all this expression I have described. My life is the way it is and all the therapy, pain relief etc etc isn't enough to over come what I'm dealing with. This is reality for many mum's,.many dealing with more.

The examples you gave , that's not the same thing. That feels manipulative and coercive and dumping alot of trauma onto a child.

Sounds like emotional incontinence tbh. What’s the kid supposed to say/do? We’ve got a family member who embarks on similar guilt trips (usually about worry) and the kids are just like ‘oh…right. Well, er, don’t worry.’ When they were littler they just looked baffled. It’s ludicrous.

after the summer holidays I miss my kids (probably some mild form of Stockholm syndrome ha ha) and I tell them I missed their faces and their chat when they come home on the first day back but this is in no way to indicate they should feel bad for me or not go to school.

My dad did stuff like that too.

He used to tell us bedtime stories with himself as the main character, out on the streets in the snow, sort of like the little matchstick girl.
He was an alcoholic and my mum used to kick him out of the house sometimes when they argued. I think he told us the stories to make sure we got so upset at the thought of him leaving so he could get back in.
It worked because we used to be distraught at the idea of him out wandering the streets but in reality he was in his mother’s house perfectly fine.
The man in the story sometimes died and we would be beside ourselves, crying our eyes out. He used to occasionally outright say Imagine if I died when he was too lazy to tell the whole story.
I was a nervous wreck as a child, had terrible anxiety, OCD. For a few years my main fear was my dad dying. Not surprising when I think about what he was saying to us.
It took me til my thirties to realise it was actually emotional abuse. I think I would prefer if he’d just hit me, and I don’t say that lightly.

OP, what you are describing is emotional abusive or at the least, very very strange to say to a child. It’s not healthy for them at all.

My mum was very much like this. It made me feel responsible for ensuring she didn't feel sad by the things I did. But some of those things were important things for my development which I missed out on.

I didn't realise how much it affected me until she did the same to my son and I felt this massive surge to protect him.

The flip side is I have swung too far the other way and my son says that he thinks I don't care at all as i don't express those sorts of feelings.

So maybe what ever we do is wrong.

Definitely not ok. It's ok - or even good - to name your emotions, but not to talk about how you failed to deal with them.

'I missed you so much' is fine.

Could you discuss this with your child in anticipation of this happening again? 'I miss you loads when you are not here too, but I try to keep busy, get my jobs done and plan nice things for when you are back again '

Or even 'Daddy/Mummy/Granny does cry a lot. You know it's not your fault don't you? I think it's best to try to keep busy and happy, when we feel a bit sad, don't you? We all know that you are going back there soon.'. That way you are modelling a more positive way of dealing with emotions and hopefully giving your child some confidence in dealing with what is essentially manipulative, emotional blackmail.

The adult saying these things is never crying when they talk to the child just saying they have BEEN crying a lot. The crying doesn’t seem to be real and now become a phrase used.

They also do say that if the child is naughty it will make the adult cry, or similar things about naughtiness making the adult cry when they are alone. To make the child be good

I mean yeah all the other adults model positive language ‘missed you but tell me what a good time you had!’

even if the child is mid activity or event, and something special is going on for the child the adult will still open the conversation with ‘I’ve been crying’ and never says ‘go have a great time’ or ‘tell me about the fun you have had’. This will even include a birthday. They cry on the child’s birthday apparently

Yeah that's emotional abuse and a way to create a hyper sensitive child who walks on eggshells worrying about adults emotions when it isn't their responsibility.
If my 4 year old has ever witnessed me being overly emotional (crying, huffing cause I'm angry for whatever reason) I always reassure them that it's nothing they've done.
I don't think any of the adults in our family would ever say I missed you so much all I did was cry. Not even their Dad when he's been working away for a few days. Just big cuddles and a really happy sounding "Oh I've missed you!"

Is the person who is behaving like this there's non resident parent by any chance?

Yikes, that's too much IMO. I think it's fine for parents to acknowledge and name their feeling in the moment or after to their children - eg, when you're stressed or frustrated - but what you're describing sounds a tad too love-bomby for my liking.

This.

I think it's healthy to discuss emotions somewhat, as I think kids will mirror and talk back about their emotions too.
However the phrases in the OP are completely unnecessary. If the person is in fact crying all day they need to get some serious mental help, and if not they are guilt tripping their kid to never leave them and will most likely make their child miserable and full of anxiety