To ask how you found your neurotribe?

[MaybeND]

I’ve been seeing a therapist recently who says I am neurodivergent. Instead of getting dependent on her, she thinks it would be more beneficial for me to just take some sertraline and find my neurotribe for some peer support. She’s suggested I look on MeetUp.com. I’ve tried this but the nearest ND meet up is over an hour away from me which is not ideal as I have a baby and small child. There are some things on Zoom and I’m wondering how good those are as a substitute?

How have others here found their neurotribes? And how long did it take before you felt like they were really a source of support? I feel as if she’s talking as if I’ll just go to one meet up and instantly get sorted with a great new friendship group who are all living in each other's pockets. Whereas I feel the reality may be rather different and that I may not even end up exchanging numbers with anyone the first time. It could take quite a while to find people I really click with even amongst other neurodivergents and then to take time to get to properly get to know them.

Am I sounding overly pessimistic? How has it been for others?

The first time I contacted her, her waiting list was actually closed. And the second time too. I then got in touch several months later to ask if there was any possibility it may open again. That time I got through right away.

I'd be very hesitant to trust an opinion of a therapist with psychic powers who can predict in 10 min who is ND based on her own subjective experience. Who also feels she does not want you to depend on her but is happy to suggest you'd be better off to depend on medication (which she is not qualified to discuss) and a social media platform....

I'd change the therapist.

I'd also consider she is aware of her limitations in supporting you and this is why the suggestions of 'let's try something else' come up.

Any suggestions? Genuine question.

No but she did also tell me in the first ten minutes that she is ND herself. Which is perhaps a red flag too.

STEM jobs

She’s centring your therapy around herself. That’s quite narcissistic of her. I’m sorry you’ve had a not great experience with this therapist. Maybe you can cherry pick some of what she’s said and ignore the rest.

Absolutely. The only therapist I’ve never even contemplated returning for a second session with spent the first few minutes of our first session telling me about his childhood with a violent alcoholic father. If he couldn’t see that this wasn’t appropriate and that it would have the effect on many clients of making them feel as if their problems were less important than their therapist’s, then he didn’t have the emotional IQ to be my therapist. The others I’ve had since have been, without exception, wonderful.

Autistic woman in her 40s here… (diagnosed, in case that matters). This therapist sounds odd to me, and I would take her advice with a pinch of salt, however well-meaning she might be.

Honestly, your ‘neurotribe’ just amounts to ‘people you feel relaxed and happy around’ - brain wiring is no guarantee that you will get along with someone, because autistic/ADHD/neurodivergent people are as individual as anyone. You have to build a friendship the old fashioned way. I’ve found neurodivergent people I instantly click with, and others I find really annoying… just like I have amongst the neurotypical people I meet.

I will say that us weirdos tend to gravitate towards each other in social settings, usually because we’re floating around the edges feeling mildly uncomfortable… the school parents I’ve become chatty with over time definitely share a certain ‘something’ and I’ve been totally unsurprised to discover that many are also neurodivergent (mostly ADHD). It was the same in baby and toddler groups once upon a time.

We don’t all go around announcing it up front, but people send out subtle signals in the way they behave, whether they mean to or not. Even if I don’t realise it at the time, it’s usually the reason I feel comfortable around some people when I may not around others.

In terms of deliberately seeking fellow oddballs in the world, look for the people who also seem uncomfortable in the groups you’re in. Also the adults sitting on the floor when everyone else is standing 😆 Take up niche/nerdy hobbies (or anything that requires a certain amount of geeky focus…) - crafts, choirs, performance, circus skills, book groups, gaming... there are loads of us out there in the world, just going about our business along with everyone else!

You’ll also find dedicated ND meet-up groups in lots of areas, but that’s never really been my thing as it feels too intense for me. It’s just not that big a part of my identity, and I wouldn’t want to artificially limit who I meet to just one ‘tribe’.

sorry - mini essay there!!

Why is she suggesting sertraline?
There is value in meeting other autistic people and realising how much easier it can be to communicate with them.
However separately therapy can be helpful for a multitude of this things so it's not either or.
ND people tend to flock together. Are none of your existing family and friends ND?

This is just bizarre. It's putting a huge burden on you to go and make friends who will then become your confidentes and ad hoc therapists when you've never even met these people. You have a baby, it's early days but toddler groups and the school run are a great way to meet people and you'll probably click with some along the way. Autistic people don't hang out in secret hideouts with a special badge and password. And you can't force casual acquaintance into intimacy, it takes time.

I would suggest you go and speak to a couple of other therapists and book in with one of them for 6 weeks or so. See what next steps feel right from there.

How did you hear about her in the first place?

Is it possible Op that you may have interpreted what she said?

You say that, but three people, two were complete strangers, asked if DS was autistic long before we suspected anything.

An uneducated guess is sometimes going to be right. It’s not something a therapist should be doing, because there are many things that overlap with autism that it could be. Those people may have asked that a bunch of times and been wrong a whole bunch too.