To not ban DD13 from bike rides, unlike what my aunt wants?

[Mnetnoob]

My 13-year-old daughter has recently gotten absolutely obsessed with cycling. Not just little rides around the park — I mean serious, Tour de France energy. She’s mapped out a 25-mile loop she does every Saturday morning and has started doing longer ones during the school holidays. Think 40 miles and up.

She saves her pocket money for energy bars and bike bits, tracks her rides on a website for it, and uses cycling forums in her spare time. Honestly, I think it’s brilliant. It’s active, healthy, keeps her off screens, and gives her a sense of purpose.
She always tells me her route, brings her phone, wears proper gear (helmet, hi-vis, etc), and I’ve taught her how to fix a puncture. She’s very level-headed for her age and knows how to call for help. I do sometimes drive out to meet her for a snack break if she’s going really far. So no, I’m not wringing my hands every time she sets off. She’s not out gallivanting in the dark or on motorways — it's country lanes and cycle paths mostly.

Enter my sister. She came to stay with us for a few days over Easter and nearly blew a gasket when DD came downstairs in full cycling kit at 8am and announced she’d be “back by 1, might do the longer loop.” My sister lost it — said I was being completely irresponsible, that no 13-year-old should be that far from home alone, that she was going to get kidnapped, hit by a car, or worse. I tried to explain she’s been doing this for months, and she’s never once had an issue. DD is careful, plans her routes meticulously, and checks in regularly.

It all escalated when my daughter got back later than usual one day — by about 25 minutes, because she stopped to help an older couple fix a dropped chain on their tandem. When she got back, my sister was practically shaking with rage, said she’d been “out of her mind” with worry, and accused me of being
“negligent beyond belief.” DD was confused and a bit embarrassed, and I had to calm everyone down. I honestly think my sister just doesn’t get it — she’s very risk-averse and tends to think the world is a lot more dangerous than it is.

Now she’s been texting me articles about teenage abductions, road traffic stats, and even suggested I “have her evaluated” because “this level of obsession with exercise isn’t normal.” I just think it’s a hobby. Kids her age get into gaming or makeup or horses — why not cycling? Sure, she’s intense about it, but she’s not starving herself or pushing her body beyond limits. She’s just really passionate about riding and seems genuinely happy.

I did have a chat with DD and asked if she ever felt like she was overdoing it, or if she was feeling pressured to ride all the time. She just looked confused and said it’s the best part of her week — like meditation, but faster. I can’t see the harm. She’s eating well, doing fine in school, and even managed to convince a few of her classmates to join her for shorter rides. It’s turned into a bit of a social thing too.

AIBU to live and let live?

Both you & your DD sound brilliant OP. Your sister's concern may well be coming from a good place, but nonetheless she shouldn't get to project all of her insecurities & worries about your dd on you, all the while trying to press those parent protect & guilt buttons that we all have somewhere, she's way OTT.

Re Cycling when young: I did it & not only is it good for your daughter's physical & mental health, it will also help her independence, self reliance, planning, goal setting, athletic, social & club skills. It will also give her a whole lot of road sense & world experience (you see a lot of real life from your bike).

Good for her & good for you, I only hope when my dd is 13 she's doing something similar & I'm facilitating her as well as you are. Well done!

I was thinking this. Cycling with other people makes the whole scenario very different. I think your sister is being quite peculiar tbh and it really isn’t any of her business.
maybe DD could send a half way text? Also air tag good idea.

I'd tell your sister she is welcome to go with her if she feels she is in danger. A few 50 mile bike rides should shut her up.

Finding her a club I think would be a good idea as it will be more social for her, find her new routes and be somewhat safer.

Her cycling sounds fantastic! I echo others recommending you look at a local cycling club - my husband and son are involved with ours and it's fantastic. V friendly and inclusive.

What do you think is killing/injuring those motorcyclists and cyclists? For the most part it’s CARS.
Driving a car is safer than cycling or motorcycling, but actual cars are the things that kill in all three activities. They are by far the most dangerous mode of transport in that they kill most people.

OP I’d be worried about my DD doing this but I appreciate that’s just me, I’m a worrier. Your sister has no business sticking her beak in though, tell her to back off. Cycling is a great hobby.

I think some of the safety aspects suggested by posters are a good idea, eg around trackers or joining a club.

I think you're DD sounds amazing. Your sister not so much.

OP, whilst your sister is being OTT I think some safety concerns are justified. It's a great hobby but does need some thought about keeping safe.

I'd invest in all the tech you can (seat sensors, rear mirrors, a helmet camera, good lights and reflective everything on the bike) plus brightly coloured clothing with good protection is she does come off).

I'd be drumming into her she needs to slow down and be extra careful at any roundabouts where cars have a tendency to not see cycles or go through them at speed and be vigilant at all junctions, especially where cars are pulling out from a side road and may not pay attention or have good visibility for the turn.

My neighbour is a keen cyclist and he came off hitting a pothole at speed, whilst swerving a parked car that unexpectedly pulled out in front of him. His helmet was split in two and he was concussed. Luckily no other injuries other than road rash (which would have been worse but he had proper padded gear and gloves). Not trying to scare you , sorry, just why good gear is important.

Your daughter sounds amazing! And your DSis is overreacting, there are far more risky (and less salubrious) things she could be doing. When I was your DD's age, I was hanging out in the local woods swigging cider with my mates.

She sounds so committed to her sport that it would be positively cruel to make her stop imo, but I second the suggestion of her joining a club. She'd have people to ride out with and they'd help develop her skills.

I really hope to see you posting on here in a few years, telling us she's been selected for the Olympics or something. 😀

I’m the overprotective type and I would be worried if it was my daughter, but that is literally because I’m the overprotective type and I’d know it was a problem with me and not her and I’d keep my mouth shut about it and be supportive and encouraging so she’d never know I was worried. I would quite openly stick and air tag on her bike and just say it’s a common sense thing. I’d make damn sure none of my irrational nonsense had an effect on her.

The thing about distance, would your sister be okay with her doing a 2 mile loop? Because actually, the distance she is from your house has literally no affect on the probability of her being abducted or knocked off. If something happened when she was a mile away from home you’d be no more able to prevent it than if she was 12 miles away, so it really is irrelevant. I understand the gut reaction your sister is having, but she needs to look at the situation rationally. And she definitely needs to not let her paranoia affect your daughter enjoying her hobby, I’d be having stern words with her about that.

As parents we all worry about abductions, especially with girls, but they are very very rare. And someone would literally have to run into the road to tackle her while she was cycling past, which is even less likely. People who get abducted are either tackled when on foot, or lured away. Not wanting to go on about it, it is very unlikely, just that when you think about it logically it’s even less likely on a bike than on foot. Just make sure she’s sensible enough to not get lured away.

Getting knocked off is definitely the biggest risk and is more common but still surprisingly rare. My dad has been cycling as much as you describe your daughter doing, if not more, for over sixty years and he’s been knocked off twice. Both within two miles of his own home and both with cars doing less than 40mph. He was quite badly injured the first time, and very badly injured the second time but he was very old and frail by that point so was at a disadvantage. He has fallen off quite a lot more, due to dodgy road surfaces. If she continues with this hobby falls are your most likely cause of harm, you can gets some nasty bumps and bruises, especially if you’re going fast.

It’s lovely to hear about a girl this age developing such a healthy hobby (physically and mentally). I hope she continues to derive as much pleasure from it as my dad still does.

Giving your sister the benefit of the doubt her first experience of your daughter cycling is going out for 4+h where as you have presumably seen her start with much shorter cycles, learn that she's sensible and so on.
That said it should have been dropped the moment you said it was fine.
I definitely think she should be doing the long rides with another person though and both should be competent at first aid. My neighbour came off his bike when a badger ran infront of him when going quite fast on a country lane. I suffered a fracture to his skull and needed CPR at the road side. Thankfully his friend who he was cycling with was proficient in CPR due to his job and a district nursery drove by giving him life-saving care whilst the ambulance got to him.
I'd also ensure she goes out with a decent first aid kit too.

I'm torn on this. I think your sister was OTT and unhelpful, but I also would be deeply uncomfortable with the risk.

There are hundreds of threads on here where parents of kids this age are told they'd be neglectful if they leave that age child at home for the evening, or overnight etc. the consensus on those seems to be that 13 year olds still need quite a bit of supervision. Mostly I think people are being overly worried with these and their kids can handle more independence.

But IMO this swings too far the other way. If leaving a child to watch TV and go to bed is neglectful, how can letting a child navigate roads and other (often badly driven) cars alone be ok?

I'd be happy for her to go out with a cycling club though.

The cyclists aren't spontaneously combusting, they're being hit by motor vehicles. Cars are the danger here (along with that bin lorry the other week).

I think I'm a fairly relaxed parent, but I'd actually worry about a kid so young being so far away, alone and doing something potentially dangerous. Cyclists are vulnerable on roads, and it would be quite a long time before you realised if something happened.

YANBU - your sister's anxiety is bizarre but my sister also has wild anxiety about my sibling and taking risks - I certainly don't. She is autistic and struggles with appropriate responses to situations at times - could this be an issue with your DS?

I think it's fantastic your dd is so keen on cycling and going out by herself and planning routes independently.

Hopefully she would be keen on joining a club, it's a great way to develop skills and meet others who can give advice.

I am a big cyclist so really applaud your daughter. I agree with the others:

get her an AirTag she can slip it into her cycling jersey.

If she has not got one already I really recommend a Garmin radar. She puts this on the stem of her saddle and it will warn her that cars are approaching from behind. Really is a godsend especially on quiet roads where cars can sneak up on you.

Get her into a club where she can be stretched over different routes, learn about proper nutrition and generally learn from others experiences.

We are a very friendly bunch of people and clubs love having new young members.

Yes, sadly, cyclists are at the mercy of the most dangerous vehicle on the planet, apart from when they are in protected bike lanes

For the first time I find myself on the more anxious and of the responses to one of these current type of questions. Ordinarily I think most of mum‘s net is far too paranoid and overprotective!
The cycling is no issue for me, my own DC cycle without adult supervision regularly including on their own however I do think five hours out alone on a bike is a pretty long time and I’m not sure I would be massively comfortable with that. I can’t 100% put my finger on why because I do recognise that the risk of being knocked off or injured is the same. what I think it could be is that unless you’re actively tracking, if something happened at the beginning of the ride that’s a long time to have a problem before anyone realised they were missing.

Pedestrians get run over too, shall we all stop walking or running

Ah look, with all due respect that's trite & u know it. Cycling is riskier & the points about being out cycling for 3-4 hours alone are well made & well meaning tbf.

I'd be on the benefits outweigh the risks side of the fence but I can see the other pov. I think joining a club & a few of the other precautionary measures suggested by posters are the way to go for the OP & her super daughter e.g. ultra visible gear, i tag & garmin radar thing on the saddle, etc etc, etc

P.s. you could suggest them all to her aunt as good birthday presents too 😉

I'm not being trite. All the bike accident anecdotes are pretty pointless. There are risks to everything, be it walking, skiing, cycling, driving etc

I say good on you and good on your daughter.

The only thing I would mention is does your daughter have a little first aid kit? My partner goes cycling and always has a small first aid kit with him including a bottle of antiseptic spray in case he gets scratches from brambles (animal pee on brambles can lead to some nasty wounds).

Frankly it’s none of your sisters business and I’d be saying as much, it’s not up for debate, your her parent and you’re fine with it.

Personally I’d prefer it if my son was in a group/ with someone at that age, only because where we are (very rural) cars on our roads aren’t tolerant of cyclists at all and there are unfortunately many accidents we hear of so that’s my paranoia that I’d want someone with him if the worst did happen. If she’s been fine for months and she comfortable and you are then carry on!

If we had more people like your DD and fewer who act like your Dsis, the world would be a better place.