To not ban DD13 from bike rides, unlike what my aunt wants?

[Mnetnoob]

My 13-year-old daughter has recently gotten absolutely obsessed with cycling. Not just little rides around the park — I mean serious, Tour de France energy. She’s mapped out a 25-mile loop she does every Saturday morning and has started doing longer ones during the school holidays. Think 40 miles and up.

She saves her pocket money for energy bars and bike bits, tracks her rides on a website for it, and uses cycling forums in her spare time. Honestly, I think it’s brilliant. It’s active, healthy, keeps her off screens, and gives her a sense of purpose.
She always tells me her route, brings her phone, wears proper gear (helmet, hi-vis, etc), and I’ve taught her how to fix a puncture. She’s very level-headed for her age and knows how to call for help. I do sometimes drive out to meet her for a snack break if she’s going really far. So no, I’m not wringing my hands every time she sets off. She’s not out gallivanting in the dark or on motorways — it's country lanes and cycle paths mostly.

Enter my sister. She came to stay with us for a few days over Easter and nearly blew a gasket when DD came downstairs in full cycling kit at 8am and announced she’d be “back by 1, might do the longer loop.” My sister lost it — said I was being completely irresponsible, that no 13-year-old should be that far from home alone, that she was going to get kidnapped, hit by a car, or worse. I tried to explain she’s been doing this for months, and she’s never once had an issue. DD is careful, plans her routes meticulously, and checks in regularly.

It all escalated when my daughter got back later than usual one day — by about 25 minutes, because she stopped to help an older couple fix a dropped chain on their tandem. When she got back, my sister was practically shaking with rage, said she’d been “out of her mind” with worry, and accused me of being
“negligent beyond belief.” DD was confused and a bit embarrassed, and I had to calm everyone down. I honestly think my sister just doesn’t get it — she’s very risk-averse and tends to think the world is a lot more dangerous than it is.

Now she’s been texting me articles about teenage abductions, road traffic stats, and even suggested I “have her evaluated” because “this level of obsession with exercise isn’t normal.” I just think it’s a hobby. Kids her age get into gaming or makeup or horses — why not cycling? Sure, she’s intense about it, but she’s not starving herself or pushing her body beyond limits. She’s just really passionate about riding and seems genuinely happy.

I did have a chat with DD and asked if she ever felt like she was overdoing it, or if she was feeling pressured to ride all the time. She just looked confused and said it’s the best part of her week — like meditation, but faster. I can’t see the harm. She’s eating well, doing fine in school, and even managed to convince a few of her classmates to join her for shorter rides. It’s turned into a bit of a social thing too.

AIBU to live and let live?

Your sister thinks she's the boss of your family. Why does she think it's in the least bit ok for her to tell you what your daughter can and can't be doing?

It's time to set her straight about her place, as in she is not a parent and gets no say and set some hardcore boundaries with her overbearing intrusiveness.

@Mnetnoob

Why does your title say your ' aunt ' but your thread states it is your ' sister '...

I'd assume a typo/incomplete edit that merged "her aunt" and "my sister." Titles can't be edited without submitting a request.

We live in a world where you can track your child’s phone.
i suppose you could add an AirTag to the bike or to her shoe just in case something happens to her phone.

as long as she avoids routes where traffic is especially dangerous or routes that make her especially isolated this is an excellent way for her to spend her time.

She sounds like my aunt why who also has an irrational fear of being kidnapped and expressed to me her fear of my child being kidnapped too. 🙄 She’s in her 70s and is so afraid of living. I think it must be a familial thing because my parents are very similarly risk averse.

Your daughter sounds brilliant. Long may she continue with the cycling.

I'm somewhere in the middle. On one hand it's none of your sister's business and I certainly wouldn't suggest you ban your DD from cycling. But I might look at modifying what she is doing. That is quite a long time for a 13 year old to be out on the road alone and whilst I think your sister is over reacting it's undeniable that there are risks. Do you have a tracker on her phone? I know they are considered the work of the devil by many on here but I think in this type of circumstance they're very useful. When I,DH or DS go on solo rides we always have ours on. I don't sit staring at my phone if one of the others is out but it's good to be able to check that they're in roughly the expected place and that they're still moving, especially if they are late. I did have an accident a few years ago which lead to me losing consciousness and my DH was able to find me very quickly thanks to the tracker. I also agree with the PP who suggested being careful of her sharing info publicly on things like Strava if she regularly rides the same routes especially if there's a predictable pattern. Plus it's sensible to hide the start and finish point if that's your house.
I would also strongly recommend that she joins a club and meets other people who share her enthusiasm. Whilst solo riding is great- I enjoy going out on my own- so is riding with other people. The company is nice,there's the security of having others with you, and you learn a lot from riding with more experienced cyclists. There's nothing wrong with just riding for fun of course but if she wants to get into any kind of racing then joining a club will help her do that too.
So no, don't stop her, but maybe steer her towards adding activities other than just solo rides as that would probably be safer and better for her.

Sadly though, it's cars that make roads unsafe for motorbikes and cyclists.

Yes, as a cyclist you are at the mercy of the motorists on the road.
I am glad OP is looking into a club because you’re safer in a group than riding solo.

It's really positive to hear about a teenage girl who's so into riding her bike, and getting her friends into cycling too! (as so many girls stop riding at that age)

Agree with other posters that it would be best for her not to put her route data onto anything like Strava. If you do splash out on a tracker, it would be worth attaching it to the bike itself, then at least it'd be useful in case of theft.

If she joins a group of some kind, she might end up trying out different kinds of cycling - and may well decide to do more of that (eg track riding at a velodrome, downhill mountain biking, gravel cycling) in a fixed location.

Assuming that she does continue riding on road, you might want to consider getting a copy of 'cyclecraft' and/or looking at what gets covered in Levels 1-3 of 'National Standards cycle training' (aka 'Bikeability'). Lots of looking behind, positioning for maximum visibility, communicating clearly with other road users etc will all make her demonstrably safer than she would otherwise be.

Perhaps this aunt would benefit from some cycle training too - this might mean she gets out on a bike more often herself, and give her some insight into her niece's life experiences?!

Would you be interested in doing more cycling yourself? Perhaps you and your dd could plan to do a long ride together in the summer holidays - either a one-day ride & picnic or maybe a longer expedition where you stay away from home for 1-5 nights? It might be a nice thing to bond over?

Because it's Aunt of her child. OP's sister .I'm guessing a typo. But think it's clear what she means. Her sister (op) is the one not happy.

This child is safely riding regularly and well done on her and parents encouragement. I do agree with safety courses such as bikeability, and this was offered through my son's school year 5 (haven't got my son off of a bike since, to school, round the area, although nowhere near what OP is describing but he loves it! ) From what OP has described, her child has a passion, is trustworthy, reliable and mature. What more could you ask for? Well done her! So glad you will look into a club environment for her hobby. You should be very proud.

Sometimes you don’t need to say everything you’re thinking, either.

Your sister is being ludicrous and needs to be told that it’s none of her business and that you aren’t going to let her anxieties limit your daughter’s life and development.
I bet if she were stuck in her room all day staring at screens she wouldn’t be worried as she’d perceive her as safe, yet we know that would be terrible for her mental health, physical health and development. How would she feel about horse riding? That is an incredibly risky activity but often not perceived as such and so doesn’t generally illicit the same type of panicked response. Humans are terrible at assessing risk and green make very odd decisions as a result - over cautious with done things and completely ignoring the (often bigger) risks of other things. Or as in this case not weighing up the risks properly. She is only considering the risks of your daughter doing the cycle ride. Not the risks if she doesn’t, and isn’t considering the many many benefits.

Your daughter is not just cycling but learning lots of skills, including problem solving and risk taking, and also developing her confidence.

We cannot eliminate all risk from our lives and nor should we try to. There’s lies a very boring and sanitised life, in which humans do not do well either physically or mentally.

You are doing the right thing and I commend you fur supporting your daughter in the face of your sister’s scaremongering.

My niece at that age came to the uk from America alone and cycled round the north of England staying with us and various other people en route. I think cycling is a great way to have an adventure and yes, there are risks but they can be managed and are worth taking.

If you (not yoyr DSis) are concerned, you could get an apple tag or similar that dd can zip into her cycling top pocket along with her gels/snack. Link it to you to track. Then you can see where she is if she doesn’t turn up at the appropriate time.

It sounds great what she’s doing. And it’s really important that DCs are given a chance to become independent and pursue their interests as they get older, they just need guidance and working through with adults initially to understand consequences and how to deal with any potential issues - but it’s great for their growth and maturity and ability to adapt to challenges as an adult. (I have a late teen who used to go home solo from school in her final 18 months of primary, having worked up to it, and who took on lots more as she got older - and is currently studying abroad quite happily and dealing with a lot of interesting challenges which that throws up for her. She is also a cyclist but prefers sprinting, but the gear, gels, tracking rides…I hear ya!!😆)

Are you a human ?

Get her a Garmin with a beacon alert function so it will automatically call you if there is a fall or other issue.

I entirely agree with your daughter that cycling is like meditation. Being out in the air, moving, feeling your body's strength. Speed, peace. It is my happy place.

You sound like a brilliant parent facilitating and encouraging her sport. Definitely find her a club. Round here, we also have a cycling social club instead of a sporting cycle club. Mostly coordinated via a FB page, so people post up the distance, speed and intended departure time/day, and whoever wants to go, turns up. I bet there are similar things in many areas and they would completely support and encourage any young person getting into cycling, teach cycle maintenance, help with technique and equipment, as well as safety. One of regular dads who goes has a similar age daughter who is now getting into racing having been going out with the group the last couple of years.

DH was similar at the same age - he became British boys and British junior road cycling champion. But he joined a club, learned how to ride safely in a peloton, got taught good technique ( there is a correct way to pedal) and made friends who he could go out with between club rides.
In joining a club he also joined British cycling which gave him his insurance.
Sadly he had a contract to join a Tour de France team, but his career ended due to a car hitting him when he was 16 out on his own and driving off leaving him with a fractured sternum and two fractured wrists.
The cycling is great, but it is much safer to cycle with others.

Could there be some jealousy here from your sister?

You sound brilliant, OP; you've equipped your daughter, taught her how to fix the thing that could lead her into becoming vulnerable, and you're not allowing yourself to be cajoled by the media into thinking that perv-vans are everywhere.

My DD was into athletics and I used to worry about the coach crashing en route to meets, the skimpiness of the kit meaning there would be eyes in the bushes, her legs becoming mis-shapen from all the training... it's nuts how we manage to find thing to beat ourselves up about.

Your daughter sounds responsible and capable, and your sister sounds oddly jealous.

Wow, your DD sounds great and it sounds like it’s all being very responsibly handled.

Your DD sounds awesome.

It’s not your sister’s business in any way.

I’d see if there was a club in the area - your DD would probably enjoy doing races, events and time trials. Our local club has a women’s section and the whole club is extremely supportive of young riders.

You can get sensors which attach to your saddle and warn if cars are approaching from behind. (Expensive but worth it)

I’d also recommend a wrist band that has a plate with your contact details on it for emergencies. My DH never cycles without his.

A cycle club would love her. Your kid sounds mature and fantastic - but no harm if her training is given some external and experienced direction, and she gets to ride in a group of like minded people who will all be looking out for her.

Doesn’t your sister remember the 80s?

I remember from the age of about 10 we’d be out of the house from 8am to 4pm, no phones or contact or parents tracking, we’d be playing in woods, rivers, all over town, in abandoned houses and derelict buildings!

Kids are safer than ever now with phones and tracking devices. Your DS is ott and is absolutely overstepping.

I was a bit older when I got into serious cycling. Good for her I say! She's approaching it very sensibly. I joined a club too - she may just be old enough to go out with adult or women's only sections, but has probably outgrown the kids' sections. British Cycling run "Breeze" rides across the country - these are women's only.

PS my sister and I have very different styles in everything, and I quickly learnt to ignore her unwanted advice.